well im still alive and just wanted you all to know...

so its been a very long time! i apologize for how long ive been away but it was neccessary. in feb i was admitted to Speppard Pratt (SP) in MD. i was there for 66 days before ins said i had to leave. i begged them to keep me a little longer - i knew i wasnt ready to leave, id already been doing badly on my off meals and days and been purging again - no way was i ready. oh well - ins rules so i left.
i can say at first i did fairly well. i mean i didnt eat the entire meal plan but for 13 days i managed to not purge... slowly it began to be taking one food item away from my meals randomly and then purging when i ate anything. ive been working hard to get the purging back down again and im only purging usually, one time a day sometimes zero and still keeping around 200 calories down. hey its not perfecy - i know, but its a step in the direction i need to go!
well i have been seeing a dietician now, and she was seeing me 2week intervals, then she moved it to one week due to weight loss and now she has it up two times weekly... she wrote a t-con to my dr who then scheduled me an emergency apt. for today, the dietician wrote she was reccommending return to SP. no way! ive lost nearly 20# of the near 50# they made me gain while i was away... thing is i dont plan to go back and i do not plan to gain that shit back either.
the difference is now, after the low weight i had gotten to, i realize that getting there didnt make me happy and no matter where i get to my weight and body will never be the way i want for it to be. however, i can tolerate a weight close to where i am now and hopefully maintain it and not go back into the hospital. its really hard though - i mean making you gain half your body weight while in a program then just sending you home to live and deal withsuch a change - no talk about it first or doing treatment.

today is a really SHITTY day!

04 march, 2012     345pm

today is just a horribly SHITTY day! i woke up after having had to have a supplement (im in treatment right now) before i went to bed, i still havent had a real bm so i am terribly terribly bloated not to mention the weight gain it causes... i also feel like i have a UTI and i only get certain times to use the bathroom... this means im having to wait sometimes more than an hour and its pissing me off really bad!
then to make it worse, they upped my mealplan today because i didnt make weight yesterday... i wish i hadnt again today - its so fucking much food and weight - its really hard and triggering... there are some "ok" staff here who u can tell really care and then there are those who are just piss ants! i had a freind in here whose husband was bringing me 2 sweatshirts because this place is SOOOO cold! well they wont let me have them! they say its against policy if i need something my hubby needs to bring it - really? i mean its not like i live anywhere near here - its a dam 5 hour drive ONE WAY!!!! they wont let me crochet, they wont let me have my nook! i mean this is bullshit and im so ready to just leave - highly doubting whether recovery is worth it all... freezing to death to the point my hands are constantly purple my legs are purple and even my scalp has goose bumps... i mean is it REALLY worth it? well theres one thing i do know for sure - if i deserve to be punished this is the place because it feels like everything is a punishment! at the dining room NONE of the staff eat with us, most are fat to obese and others just really dont care... it feels like the lunch room in elementary school and they are hovering over just waiting for the chance to attack...
im not sure im going to handle this much more - i nearly lost it on the nurses earlier... wtf is feeding me 2200 calories? HOW is that supposed to make me feel BETTER? i dont think so! its just making me fat, overfull and i feel like im totally over eating - that in and of itself isnt healthy...
im not sure, the patients are ok i guess, so far only 2 that i really feel comfortable talking to, 2 others who i have basic conversations with and the rest - they dont talk to me and i dont talk to them. we have 27 patients here and it feels like really there are no supports. each patient has what they call a "contact" this is the person who is the one you go to should you need anything or need to talk confidentially... well today my contact didnt even talk to me. i have a new one for tonight and i pray it is SOMEONE ELSE!
so my time is up - only allowed 15 minutes at a time....

waiting wating keep on waiting...

606pm Sat Jan 28,2012
MOOD/EMOTIONS: very anxious, annoyed, frustrated, irritate, still hopeful, trying to think positive

so i slept less than 2hrs in the past two days - meaning been up since thursday 4am... i was on a manic - high yesterday... i wish i still was today but i can feel myself slipping the more "no's" we get.... we went to the dealership we went too was a 1hr drive because YAY - yes we had been approved... the issue is this - i had told them i wanted to postdate the down payment till the 8th when r taxes were to be deposited and originally they had said yes... we get there paperwork done, copies of evverything, all we had to do was hand them the check and sign - nope... they cant hold the check until the 8th it has to be today! grrrr now we r nearly out of gas again and i hope this othr place which is about 7miles from here will get us approved and we can go get the van there tonight or tomorrow instead... i dont mind because its way closer and i can get any work i need to get done on it ie... oil changes etc will be done righ here basically and if it needs repaired - then they also offer a temp replacement until it is fixed! hopefully it wont need any - but just in case!

so yesterday was therapy... i went and wow i was SO hyper-manic my mind was going over 1 million miles an hr and my body was trying to catch up! i was talking so fast i couldnt often get the words to come out right or fast enough... my sentences felt like i was all over the place.... the good part is that mood i really like! i get so much done and i feel so good thing is it exhausts me more than anything...
anyway in the appt i told her how i was feeling and some fears im having and we talked about these things... that was good... the problem was me.. i had a BAD BAD BAD BAD body day.... i felt like every breath i was taking i was expanding and my clothes were shrinking... when i looked in the mirror i could see my face getting faster and i was getting really anxious... i really did literally want to scratch all my skin off - i didnt care how bad it would hurt - it needed to be done... of course i didnt and i back talked myself saying how unrealistic, illogical and CRAZY those thoughts were... even at the dealerships after the appt... i was burrying myself in my jacket to hide - i just really felt nasty...

wehn i went to print my journals from my computer before the appt though - couldnt print - NO INK!!! then to make it worse and even more frustrating - i couldnt find the journal i usually carry with me! i felt childish and retarded but oh well right...

so my weight is back where it was - thank God... and hubby home from the field YAY! and one other thing before i go for now - today is DAY 2!!! not giving in - im going to do this! new van, fresh start new beginning...

idk what to do anymore...

26 jan, 2012   340pm
EMOTIONS/MOOD: well i have a TON of anxiety - idky, also i am pleased with our tax refund just wish id have done 2 days ago could get by next friday oh well...

otherwise i really dont have much for emotions... i miss my husband and im ready for him to be home so i can really sleep and feel safe... lastnight was harsh - didnt sleep much and kept getting woke by weird noises... idk it just makes me anxious then i cant sleep or even rest peacefully... my 2 youngest were in my bed again so at least i was warm and i could cuddle close to them and i felt better - i knew they were safe with me...
i woke this am at 604am my alarm had been screaming bloody alternative music for 4 min before i realized it was in fact my alarm... good thing i finally realized it seeing as the boys couldve missed the bus...

so after they went to school i took myself upstairs and made myself shower and wash my hair... normally i love those showers especially when im alone... for some reason i just didnt feel like showering today - hence i made myself and i felt a bit better afterwards... i dressed an i had taken meds before the shower, i could feel them digesting and i hate that feeling makes me wanna hurl but y? theres nothing else in there so i didnt... i got myself into my van and drove to see cm after searching all over for this paperwork i was supposed to show her - i think it accidentally was thrown out... eeeeek.... oh well maybe they will resend to me?....

while driving there i started to feel a cold sweat and shaky, my head began spinning and i felt lightheaded... i quickly parked and rested my seat back some so i could relax and maybe it would go away... i was also feeling nauseated so i drank some water to see if that might help as well... i still felt poorly after about 15min sitting there so i left and just came home.... i relaxed while reading texts and posts from my phone on fb and eventually i was still shaking so bad i caved... i ate 2 apples (sliced) and a small packaged cup of applesauce... i was disgusted with myself for this and quickly made some heated rolls with ramen and then i purged... im not sure if i got all of it - i didnt allow myself to go upstairs which means i didnt weigh after - punishment for being weak... i deserve much worse but thats what i did...

idk if we will travel to Fl this yr or not... using tax return we have the money - but we also have bills that need to be paid off so things can stay on track... so idk... i hope i can figure it out so i can actually go! i would love to actually GO to disneyland - ive seen it on tv, driven by it and even watched the fireworks from the balcony of the timeshare apartment - but never actually paid and gone in! my kids are getting older - id like to have one fond memory at least for them... i also definately plan to get family photos - i WILL make time! we havent since 07 - this needs to be fixed fast!

i have been thinking about why i feel so useless in this world and i came up with somewhat of an answer - ya sometimes i actually do think! anyway so i was thinking about a post from a group memer in one of my online support groups... she said she doesnt feel useful to her family and she is miserable but doesnt know why... this had me thinking about my own existence and i was thinking i dont feel useful anymore or needed anymore... i desperately wanted to have a baby each time i had them - even if youngest wasnt planned - God had other ideas and im ok with that... but with each child he needed me to care for him, feed him, protect him, help him with things and for a while do diapers etc - the stuff moms SHOULD do...but now, my boys are older 12, 14 and 16 and they really dont need me anymore... they take care of themselves pretty much even allowed to carry their inhalers at school and they know how to do the nebulizers... i feel like the only reason im really here is to cook their meals, do their landry and clean the house... i know i shouldnt feel this way but i do and im not sure how to resolve it...

so in therapy last week i remembered this yesterday but didnt get back here to add it, anyway my T asked me to do EMDR... ive read some on it and i know what and how it works... im just not so certain i trust MYSELF with doing this... i know how i can easily put on the front that everything is 'ok' when really i feel like maybe cutting or even killing myself when i leave... im not sure i would be able to be honest when im asked if im ok... many times ill say yes even though i know its a no, but i dont want to be a further bother, burden or cause more concern and worrying - i do that enough already...

"EMDR, a complex psychological methodology, accelerates the treatment of a wide range of pathologies and self-esteem issues related to upsetting past events and present life conditions." (EMDR.com).   

oh i forgot (well didnt actually forget - just pissed i caved in again and embarrassed to admit it) - lastnight i caved and had dinner and purged... yes im ashamed, guilt ridden and frustrated but at least was only 1x which is still improvement... my boys had asked if i was eating with them because were setting the table and didnt know to set a place for me... my middle said i just wanna make sure since u usually dont eat with us at the table - wow that hit me hard. i never really thought they paid attention whether i was at the table or not so i said i was eating - leading to me eating more than i felt was acceptable (like NONE) and i purged... to keep from doing it again though i went upstairs and got on my fb page on my phone and read news articles and was in bed ready to sleep at 730pm... i refused to caving again this time!

today im really full of anxiety - i think the episode from earlier may have been axiety attack but im not sure really... whatever it was its gone now finally, but i feel my chest very tight and heavy - having anxiety now and idk what from...

as far as the weight goes - id love to lose like 15lbs more, i know realistically i cant and if i do i really WILL be admitted ip and im still trying to avoid that right now... i emailed my CM and told her why i didnt come in today but i gave her the information on the vacation site she was interested in... i hope she goes and that they have a fantastic time - her husband will be home for 2 weeks next month and he is deployed over seas - has been gone since May 19, 2010... the lil man will enjoy it too - he just turned 4 yo...

hmmm lets see - oh with the tax money ill be able to also get all my things off pawn - yay! means i have my ipod touch back and my hp touchpad and my special recording pen as well as my sons netbook... he's been using my laptop since i got a loan on that... well i think thats about all for now... not cooking tonight - boys are having leftover ramen with cabbage in it or leftover spaghetti... all that needs to be used and not wasted...

tomorrow is my next T appt... im both looking forward to it and not... i dont know whats going on with where i will have to go because CM is working on getting approval for a more local place because it is out of the ins. network... if it gets approved then we will work on the details... i am looking forward to learning more about myself - everytime i go i get something from it - this week i could use something positive! and hubby comes home tomorrow night - im so looking forward to snuggling close with him and falling asleep in his arms... i dread his comments regarding my body and weight though... ugh a catch 22 so to speak...

GOALS

410pm jan 25, 2012
EMOTIONS/MOOD: well i feel very guilty for how i have been acting this week. i feel useless and i actually feel like i want to cry but nothing is happening.

goals - we all have them right? if we dont then we need to find some so we have something to continue and fight for.... here are some ive made just now but i have a real goals list in a special notebook to be worked on every month then evaluate my progress...

GOALS:

1. deal with myself without falling back to negative behaviors (ie cutting, purging etc...)
2. get myself out of this funk im in and start fighting again... (i feel like somewhere somehow i put myself in the situation and thinking that if im going to treatment anyway why not do what helps right now?)
3. get paperwork for school printed, signed and faxed back to ac. counselor
4. go to the gym - maybe be social even in zumba... i havent been since issues with my toe, then that was fixed and i broke my left pinky toe... need to make myself go and make myself talk to soomeone even if it is the boys' dr at least it is some and better than what ive been doing... ive become a REAL hider and seclusive to mostly my room or the kitchen/bathroom.
5. work on food safety issue and drink saafety issues too
6. finish the blanket for my friend so  i can mail it next week
7. accept i have to and need too go into treatment
8. work on info for admission to treatment.

so although i know i had a really important goal to put here is why i even made this post but until i can remember this is what i have for now.

(btw - still doing well with day 1)

 

 

fe fi fo fum - is that success i smell??

220pm wed jan 25, 2012

MOOD/EMOTION: not so sure of my feelings lately. i have been very good at not taking my medications and as a result feeling hopeless and numb.

well i woke this am determined to make this the official day 1 - again... so far im doing ok.. i was able to not bp when i had planned for it  - in my head... i said do i really wanna start ANOTHER day 1? not really... tired of being a let down to myself and everyone i both  care about and / or love... so before getting too far let be back track a bit...

took my boys to their appt for specialist friday after i first went to therapy... honestly - i do not remember much from my session except i was still triggered and trying to fight but i also knew it was a losing battle... im not exactly sure why i felt that way or why i thought that - but i did and in essence i caved and it ended horribly... in session what i do remember is her saying i have till this friday (28th) to determine which treatment i was going to and making plans... ugh - so been TOTALLY procrastinating on this one...

well this past few days since i think some how i have given myself 'permission' either subconsciously or to sabotage myself to just not care and do what ever... well this means first - not taking meds which i have been quite successful at - not a positive i can say... which this means lead to numerous bp and not remembering, not getting things done, feeling shitty and well just trying to move onto the next day hoping i will do better... yesterday was definately the worst though... i remember very little other than bp on anything and everything all day... since we barely have any food i was not only disgusted, ashamed and frustrated i was angry for doing it and everytime i would punish myself further... i ended up with a massive migraine and i still am battling that today... we have no food really except snacks now and i even allowed myself to bp on spaghetti - something i never do becuz purging that is aweful and so hard sometimes... afterwards i took night meds and came to bed... soon i found 2 boys in here to sleep and i didnt even care - they were warm bodies and everyone is dressed appropriately so i see no issue - besides it was their choice... i was asleep sometime soon after 830 - well thats the last time i looked at the clock and the next time was when i got up to use the br at 3am then i didnt hear anything until the alarm screamed bloody music at me that it was time for the boys to get ready for school at 6am... grrrrr! that clock ruined my sleep and i was actually SLEEPING and DREAMING... mind u the dream was im sure medication induced and was very very weird - but at least it was sleep!
i finally managed to force myself from the bed at like 945am and dressed then went to see cm... i was totally not in the mood, didnt want to go anywhere or deal with anyone / thing... but i went... i posted a comment to a page of mine and said ' if i dont go i know im going to be eaten alive which i really dont want... or hmmmm maybe i do? if i am it will mean lesss of me to deal with and i can always go for less of me!' wow - that was mean to me and not anyone else and i realized that shortly after posting it - but it is how i felt and what i thought at that moment...

after visiting there a bit i went to get some gas... now mind u i had only $4 and some change left to my name and i was trying to figure out how on earth i was going to make till payday next week... well God blessed me! i was able to use my military credit (i thought it was already maxed) and get $25 in the tank giving me about 240 miles of fuel! yay! next i went to the px and bought some pain meds for cramping and bloating bcuz i was again able to use the card - sweet!

i went to the van then next to the commissary - we at least needed some milk... i was able to get a small container of sour cream for the boys potatoes, a small box of packets of splenda for my coffee and a very small container of milk.. i came out with 75c left eek! so what do i do? i drive to the mini - px where they have some groceries - was hoping they had shredded and sliced cheese and i could put on my card but they didnt... i was irritated then and thats when bp hit... i went to the br and decided what i was going to do - get an all veggie pizza at pizza hut and a meat pizza for the boys - but the card wouldnt work in their machine today... so then my bp was delayed and i would have to have something at home... i really didnt want to bp on pizza anyway - what a waste of money! so when i got home - i just put what i had away and came to rest in my room... migraine was full throttle and i felt like my head would explode! i also noticed i am retaining a LOT of fluids... i had lines deep into my thighs from leaning over the counter and they were still there when i got home from seeing cm...

so i rested a bit on the bed and messaged and posted via mobile for a bit and decided to write... i dont know my emotuonal standing right now - just that i still feel numb and its wearing off and im begninning to feel very triggered... well im noticing it more - let me go back again... so i pulled out the only jeans i own that stay up... but when i saw myself in the mirror - i was very triggered and pushed it to the back of my mind... i feel rediculously huge today - bigger than most any days actually... i feel like the jeans are tight and my stomach is hanging over... when i look in the mirror - this is also what i see so it verifies the feelings... but when i look down without the mirror - my stomach is clearly not hanging over so why is that what i see in the mirror? it is confusing as hell and it is making my head swirl with horrid and harsh words... it was so bad this am i was searching through ALL drawers in the room looking for a blade to cut with... i was desperate and i found one... it took EVERYTHING i have in me to NOT pick it up and use it... that was right before i left to see my cm...

then at the comissary well that was a HUGE trigger just having to go there BUT when one of the regular supervisors came to me and asked if ive lost more weight - i was triggered worse... i told her no ive been the same for a while... but for some one to NOTICE my size is smaller - wow, it conflicted every thought and feeling i had in my body at that moment... i mean she noticed - thats good right!? but then again she also 'noticed' and i havent lost further so it is frustrating to get 'comments' when ive not done anything but maintain... in so many ways i would LOVE to lose more - like 15lbs more... but then again in so many ways i 'KNOW' i cant lose more - especially not THAT much...

with a lower than normal bmi i know it is not healthy but then i question that as well... using a chart for a basis is great but when it comes right down to it - not everyone and everything can be guaged by a chart... so maybe i really AM obese but my weight is lower and based on the charts im underweight... i have been told before that it IS possible to be over - weight even obese and still be underweight... this is done when th body only has fat stores on it and so it really is a higher bmi and therefore that person is both obese and underweight... i dread that to ever be me! it scares me to no end... the very thought of gaining is equally as sacry for me... i can say this week i gained some overnight and i TOTALLY freaked out... i know this is part of the 'sabotage' i have caused myself and allowed for myself to not take meds and become a 'robot' to AN / BN but i also know why it had shot up so fast - now i know anyway, and it is going back to where it was... i know the dr's dont want it there and neither does any of my treatment team - but i feel safer and if i can stop purging 100% and still maintain i feel a little better... i dont feel quite so huge ya know?

so being a robot - i dont want that anymore and i took that 'right' away lastnight... today being day one and i hope it is successful... well the days of no meds were successful too - successful at allowing me to fail my goals for treatment but succeed at getting me through to the next day.. i asked a friend cant u just invent a magic pill for me? this would be a lot less difficult to swallow then! she said she wishes - ya me too...

so friday im supposed to have made a decision where im going to go off too... i feel like im abandoning my family and being selfish to help make me better - a road traveled many times yet not real success... it makes me feel so guilty and i really wish i didnt need to go... not needing to go would mean gaining weight and not caring (no way), re-engaging with and feeling comfortable with food (was doing well but successfully have failed miserably at this since a few days after leaving the hospital), successfully keeping even liquids down ( right now i am still allowing myself water without purging so its a step)... as well as emotionally hold myself stable and live a 'normal' life (do i really want to be norma l/ what is ' normal '? '... im sure there is more to it - like eventually dealing with my past and understanding why i always turn to the 'old tricks' rather that what ive learned ( bcuz what u know is easier than trying to make urself follow the new stuff which is petrifying and uncertain), i know the ways i cope work - but only for so long then i either have to act again which potentially can lead to death, or use the new skills and let myself 200% trust my treatment team and my husband with what i do... now let me add to that part - i do trust my team; i dont trust myself;  end reulss: allowing myself to trust someone else, this makes trusting them so much harder - es[pecially when i cant trust myself or even that what i am trusting in - will work and / or be worth it... does this make any sense? it does and it doesnt but im not sure how to better explain myself so...

i have a blanket i have been working on for a while for a really good friend... i have not had the mindset to complete it bcuz ALL i could do was be robotic to the ed - and there was no room for self escape or other me time - just to make sure i COULD get to a bathroom once i had eaten something... well i have the blanket next to me now on my bed... i have PLANS to work on this or nap rather than risking bp... the issue is that i still am not feeling well, im still very triggered, my hubby is still in the field leaving me the full 100% opportunity but challenging myself to not give in and i really want to go to the gym... if i am spending all my time bp as a robot then i dont have time for the gym and i need to go - havent in months - mostly cuz of the middle toe issue but that has since been resolved and the only thing really holding me back are my pinky toe on the other foot - i broke it and im trying to let it heal without more issue and myself - despising leaving the house and / or being seen... alls i seem to want to do is hide away in my house either in my room trying to rest or downstairs under the rules of the ed and serving like a robot...

i guess well - for now this is all i need to say... oh except writing although on my list to do things - hasnt been going so great becuz even when i have the time and full opportunity i have found myself to engrossed in ed allowing  no time to further do things that will potentially help me to lose the ed and find myself working recovery... HELL NO! ed doesnt want that and he is fighting me - and i am fighting him... i feel like i have really lost and i am a waste of space, air and food and that i need to sleep myself into my grave and allow someone else the opportunity to breathe, eat and have a life which is not a waste... i feel useless and hopeless with myself and very ashamed and disgusted with my behaviors, who and what i am... i also am very stingy - i am selfish! i cant just give my family to someone else! i brought the boys into this world to raise and have themselves successfull lives and i refuse to lose that opportunity! so i keep fighting even if all i make is toe crawls - i wont give up till i recover or it kills me in which case i didnt give up and i am still  fighter not a quitter...

what a long exhausting, triggering, failed day...

545pm
thursday Jan 19, 2012

MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, triggered, frustrated, useless and epically - a failure.

let me begin with like oh idk it was about 4 am when i climbed out of the bed - i just could not sleep last night! not sure exactly what was going on but i kept feelin very uncomfortable and not safe - i kept checking on my boys and making sure hubby was still breathing... he was and they were all ok and i lay down to rest and toss and turn some more until finally his alarm went off, he got up for work and i got up and dressed.... i came down and made him eggs with sausage and stuft it in a whole wheat pita plus a large coffee fresh - of course!

then i felt like i had more energy than 10 people and began scrubbing and cleaning the kitchen - took me less than 30 min to completely sanitize and clean the kitchen, do the dishes, load the laundry, clean all counters and the sink and orgaanize the counter where the pressure cooker and other gadgets go... when i was done with that i had to get my boys up for school then i came dowsntairs and read emails etc... they left for school - i took a warm shower - i was FREEZING! i was so cold my legs were purple and my lips were bluish white! i thought i was going to freeze to death and was upset when the water ran cold very fast!

im supposed to be researching this treatment place - so far ive not done it... i only shared the link with the lady from ANAD so she could see more info on it... im scared to research again - i dont think ill be able to go... financially we just dont have it and the CM told me the other day that tricare doesnt pay the transportation anymore... i cant just drive or fly when we are BROKE.... literally... i spent my last change to get a 1/2 gal of milk and a small 3lb bag cat food...

ok so what else happened today to get me so triggered right? well i got out the shower and dressed then i had my 16 yr old start the van while i finished getting six etc on... then he stayed home while i went to my CM and see if my 12 yr old's referral was in yet so i can take him tomorrow to the appt... well she wasnt there -moving to ANOTHER office! but another lady looked up the # and gave me the address and phone number... i decided to go to the peds clinic see if my 12 yr olds asthma care plan was ready... the lady  tried to give me hell for not having his id card with me - i didnt think id need it to pick that up - i know who i gave it to, i know when and i knew what it was for... she finally gave it to me and i headded home...

as im pulling to the road towards our house my phone rings - its my middle son... apparently some girl was getting teased, he tried to stop the teasing by standing up for her and the girl thought she was funny to go around the table and POUR a can of OJ over his head and all over his JROTC UNIFORM! he needed me to bring him new clothes! wtf!!! i was PISSED! i got his clothes and drove to the school where he was in the office waiting for the school administrator to see him... well apparently  ateacher had just died (not sure if at the school or they got a call or whatever) but they were dealing with that issue and said we could go home someone would call me later... noone called and his uniform is smelly like old orange juice and sticky - it needs dry cleaned and pressed and i dont have the $... i told the school i expect the student to pay those fees - she said if she gets suspension "it was so worth it" what a snot! i may even have her charged with bullying if she carries it further... im sure i could have a legal suit to sue her seeing as the whole event is also on camera and several teachers as well as the officer saw it and said he was not at fault...

i also got online and was trying to research disability... im not excited to apply but my husband says i should try and my t says i might qualify... i was reading and trying to figure it out - but i have no idea where to start so...

lets see what else happened? well ive bp 3x during all this - i was just so dam triggered and it felt like that was the only thing that was keeping me somewhat sane... ya i know its not sane, healthy or a positive thing - but i felt it was the only skill i had right then and at that exact time...

i also have been emailing back and forth with my academic counselor, my oldests sons school to get his almost 2 weeks worth of makeup work and made him ramen with eggs and squash for lunch (my binge) i purged then headed out to do the other stuff... i came home after getting my middle son and stopped at the comissary to get cat food and milk - it was $3.55 and i had $3.53 so the cashier gave me the 2 pennies - how embarrasing!

hubby took someones duty tomorrow night and they paid him $80 that will get us through till payday... i need to really get these finances straight, in order and organized... those 'little' mistakes soon add up to a lot of fees!

im still waiting now for him to get home - he had a very long day - he was at work at 445 then a fewseconds to drop off some boxes then back to work - now it is 615 and still no word from him... hope he is at least staying warm...

this song is so me - enjoy...



not only does this song relate totally to me - but also is so very true in life...