idk what to do anymore...

26 jan, 2012   340pm
EMOTIONS/MOOD: well i have a TON of anxiety - idky, also i am pleased with our tax refund just wish id have done 2 days ago could get by next friday oh well...

otherwise i really dont have much for emotions... i miss my husband and im ready for him to be home so i can really sleep and feel safe... lastnight was harsh - didnt sleep much and kept getting woke by weird noises... idk it just makes me anxious then i cant sleep or even rest peacefully... my 2 youngest were in my bed again so at least i was warm and i could cuddle close to them and i felt better - i knew they were safe with me...
i woke this am at 604am my alarm had been screaming bloody alternative music for 4 min before i realized it was in fact my alarm... good thing i finally realized it seeing as the boys couldve missed the bus...

so after they went to school i took myself upstairs and made myself shower and wash my hair... normally i love those showers especially when im alone... for some reason i just didnt feel like showering today - hence i made myself and i felt a bit better afterwards... i dressed an i had taken meds before the shower, i could feel them digesting and i hate that feeling makes me wanna hurl but y? theres nothing else in there so i didnt... i got myself into my van and drove to see cm after searching all over for this paperwork i was supposed to show her - i think it accidentally was thrown out... eeeeek.... oh well maybe they will resend to me?....

while driving there i started to feel a cold sweat and shaky, my head began spinning and i felt lightheaded... i quickly parked and rested my seat back some so i could relax and maybe it would go away... i was also feeling nauseated so i drank some water to see if that might help as well... i still felt poorly after about 15min sitting there so i left and just came home.... i relaxed while reading texts and posts from my phone on fb and eventually i was still shaking so bad i caved... i ate 2 apples (sliced) and a small packaged cup of applesauce... i was disgusted with myself for this and quickly made some heated rolls with ramen and then i purged... im not sure if i got all of it - i didnt allow myself to go upstairs which means i didnt weigh after - punishment for being weak... i deserve much worse but thats what i did...

idk if we will travel to Fl this yr or not... using tax return we have the money - but we also have bills that need to be paid off so things can stay on track... so idk... i hope i can figure it out so i can actually go! i would love to actually GO to disneyland - ive seen it on tv, driven by it and even watched the fireworks from the balcony of the timeshare apartment - but never actually paid and gone in! my kids are getting older - id like to have one fond memory at least for them... i also definately plan to get family photos - i WILL make time! we havent since 07 - this needs to be fixed fast!

i have been thinking about why i feel so useless in this world and i came up with somewhat of an answer - ya sometimes i actually do think! anyway so i was thinking about a post from a group memer in one of my online support groups... she said she doesnt feel useful to her family and she is miserable but doesnt know why... this had me thinking about my own existence and i was thinking i dont feel useful anymore or needed anymore... i desperately wanted to have a baby each time i had them - even if youngest wasnt planned - God had other ideas and im ok with that... but with each child he needed me to care for him, feed him, protect him, help him with things and for a while do diapers etc - the stuff moms SHOULD do...but now, my boys are older 12, 14 and 16 and they really dont need me anymore... they take care of themselves pretty much even allowed to carry their inhalers at school and they know how to do the nebulizers... i feel like the only reason im really here is to cook their meals, do their landry and clean the house... i know i shouldnt feel this way but i do and im not sure how to resolve it...

so in therapy last week i remembered this yesterday but didnt get back here to add it, anyway my T asked me to do EMDR... ive read some on it and i know what and how it works... im just not so certain i trust MYSELF with doing this... i know how i can easily put on the front that everything is 'ok' when really i feel like maybe cutting or even killing myself when i leave... im not sure i would be able to be honest when im asked if im ok... many times ill say yes even though i know its a no, but i dont want to be a further bother, burden or cause more concern and worrying - i do that enough already...

"EMDR, a complex psychological methodology, accelerates the treatment of a wide range of pathologies and self-esteem issues related to upsetting past events and present life conditions." (EMDR.com).   

oh i forgot (well didnt actually forget - just pissed i caved in again and embarrassed to admit it) - lastnight i caved and had dinner and purged... yes im ashamed, guilt ridden and frustrated but at least was only 1x which is still improvement... my boys had asked if i was eating with them because were setting the table and didnt know to set a place for me... my middle said i just wanna make sure since u usually dont eat with us at the table - wow that hit me hard. i never really thought they paid attention whether i was at the table or not so i said i was eating - leading to me eating more than i felt was acceptable (like NONE) and i purged... to keep from doing it again though i went upstairs and got on my fb page on my phone and read news articles and was in bed ready to sleep at 730pm... i refused to caving again this time!

today im really full of anxiety - i think the episode from earlier may have been axiety attack but im not sure really... whatever it was its gone now finally, but i feel my chest very tight and heavy - having anxiety now and idk what from...

as far as the weight goes - id love to lose like 15lbs more, i know realistically i cant and if i do i really WILL be admitted ip and im still trying to avoid that right now... i emailed my CM and told her why i didnt come in today but i gave her the information on the vacation site she was interested in... i hope she goes and that they have a fantastic time - her husband will be home for 2 weeks next month and he is deployed over seas - has been gone since May 19, 2010... the lil man will enjoy it too - he just turned 4 yo...

hmmm lets see - oh with the tax money ill be able to also get all my things off pawn - yay! means i have my ipod touch back and my hp touchpad and my special recording pen as well as my sons netbook... he's been using my laptop since i got a loan on that... well i think thats about all for now... not cooking tonight - boys are having leftover ramen with cabbage in it or leftover spaghetti... all that needs to be used and not wasted...

tomorrow is my next T appt... im both looking forward to it and not... i dont know whats going on with where i will have to go because CM is working on getting approval for a more local place because it is out of the ins. network... if it gets approved then we will work on the details... i am looking forward to learning more about myself - everytime i go i get something from it - this week i could use something positive! and hubby comes home tomorrow night - im so looking forward to snuggling close with him and falling asleep in his arms... i dread his comments regarding my body and weight though... ugh a catch 22 so to speak...