another one bites the dust... ugh

Wednesday Jan 18, 2012      513pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, FRUSTRATED, AGGITATED, IRRITATED, AND TRIGGERED!!!

ok so this day has been very long and difficult as well as triggering... im not doing so great - everything is getting to me... my weight is maintained and i get a comment last night from hubby  "you almost have a butt again" im not sure how to take that? im not sure if he was saying i look better (which would make no sense with the bp ive been doing and weight not budging either direction) or if he us just used to it and so now he doesnt notice the lower weight as he did before... it doesnt matter...

so yesterday yesterday was not good either - i bp like 3x i think - honestly im not even sure... im not feeling 'inside' myself lately and im having some time lapses... probably disassociating or idk... i do know that today i DID take all my meds, yesterday i got some devastating news (well for me and my family) and i couldnt remember if i had taken my anxiety meds or not... this meant waiting all day which resulted in bp and not even remembering...

so the news? well my oldest has been out of school so many days - even out the rest of this week... well last week the dr had some labs drawn on him to check the allergy levels in his blood? she called and told me yesterday he is "extremely alergic " to cats and "highly  alergic" to dogs... great - this means unless pulmonologist can give us something else to do - we have to get rid of our cats... both of which we rescued and we got one in Aug of 05 (born in july though) and the other in aug of 06 (bday is in may though)... so OMG - my son (the oldest 16) is so devestated right now... he loves these cats so very very much... i havent even told the other 2 yet - im waiting until friday to tell them so they can adjust over the weekend and plus the pulmonology appt is friday afternoon - i pray there is some way we can keep them! idk what IM going to do without my kitties!

so hubby came home for lunch" today as he said when i asked, but then he got online then went to the bathroom and said "ill eat something at work" and he kissed me then off he went... idk - this bothered me...

ive not been writing in my journal or on here either - idk i just dont seem to have the want / motivation / energy to do much of anything lately... i feel so hopeless and useless...  wanna try to get disability but im afraid if i do then i can never get a job in the future - then i really WOULD be useless and all the schooling ive done - would have been for nothing...

so i guess the sadness and moping comes fom a lot of different things and to add to this - im still not back in school, no emails from them either, no money and no food in the house... need to find a way to get some money and fast plus to get rid of the cats (hopefully not) and my meds are whcking me out...

i did create a new fb account - just need to send invites to some of my friends then i wont go to the other one anymore - this is a good thing (well supposed to be - but idk yet...) ...

i guess this is about it... i need to find a way to feel better, get some energy and get things done...