hmmm i just have no idea...

04 jan,2012  0820 am

MOOD/EMOTION: triggered, nauseated, craving, fighting...

i came up with a saying on the way home from ANAD last night "tenacious as a turtle, stubborn as a pit bull - if you keep on fighting you will ever lose!" probably doesnt make any sense to most people but it does to me...

i guess the whole reason is the past few days i have resolved to allowing the triggers to get to me and have begun purging again - not binging just the purging... i did it 2x yesterday and i was pissed at myself for failing yet again... the change is so hard and i was doing pretty well - granted i was not really eating much in the way of calories but i wasnt purging so my nails were starting to grow and my hair also... now im going to join the look of the 'undead' as my husband said to me yesterday... i dont want to look undead... he says i look better now - less undead, its funny in a way as my weight is nearly the exact same as it was before i went into the hospital - the difference is that im eating a little and not purging where before i was eating and purging everything...

my youngest is home sick today as he was yesterday... double ear infection, horrible cough, asthma flair up and sinus infection - poor child he didnt even hardly sleep last night he was coughing so bad... i was miserable for him and it was hard for me to sleep as well... i was worried when he wasnt coughing that he had suffocated and when he was coughing i was worried about him getting rest and stuff... like a catch 22 - i really cant win anyway there...

ive printed some coupons this am... i need some more coffee so maybe i can keep a hold on the demon insed of me right now... it is definately worse than a monster!

last niht at ANAD i was honest about the purging the past few days and how i had been very restrictive in order to do that, the moderator said she would almost rather i restrict than purge - exactly how i feel... at the end of the meeting i finally finished the blanket i had been working on...i wanted to give to the moderator but i had no idea if she would like the colors... it was lavendars and blues all swirled and i thought it was really pretty and kind of 'happy' like colors... she is always smiling and very emotional and the colors - well when i saw them i thought id make her a blanket... i had waited in tuckers only because i knew 2 small skeins would not be enough and i still didnt know whether she would like the colors...

at the meeting though - she had a really long scarf and it was a different type of yarn but was the same colors! yay! this meant i could give it to her if i could finish before the end of the meeting - and thats what i did... i felt weird giving it to her during the meeting so i waited until we were headed to our cars and gave it to her... it made me feel good so see how surprised and happy she was! i mean it was freezing out there - but this was genuine emotions - i could just tell the difference... i texted her if she wants it bigger to just let me know - i can add rows its not hard... i also told her to bring me the yarn she brought and ill still make that one too - anything to keep me busy!

i have yet to work on my goals folder... i have to show it to my therapist on friday and honestly - my goals have been very minimal lately... just trying to not purge and eat everyday has been really stressful... then to fail and purge just made the goals seem more unattainable than before and i just havent wanted to do anything... im going to get a new goals notebook i think though - maybe with hello kitty on it, and make a new one for 2012 and i also plan to make a new email... when i do i will send to all my friends so we can still communicate - but the negative of this one - well it wont work if i keep being so down and negative on myself all the time... anyway - im thinking to change it too: makeachangein2012 - might be taken might not be - either way it willbe something along those words...