oh no...

05 jan 2012                            
friday 435pm

the past few days ive really slipped up... i feel like i have no control over what i do or do not do... i feel alone and im disgusted and disappointed with myself... i am STARTING FRESH tomorrow - i cant fall again... i can do this...

the problem here is that well... im really petrified at the thought of gaining! i went to my dr and she was happy that my labs were good (except vit D was too high so she is taking me off some of the supplements and rechecking in march) but also that it appeared i had gained like 1.5lbs... what i didnt tell her right then was that id had 3cups of coffee and 28oz of sugar-free koolaid before remembering about the appt... i was really surprised that my glucose came back (58) really low however... so i did email my CM and told her - she then let my dr know for me... i dont want to be dishonest or be sabotaging myself - so i had to let her know... really my weight is staying at 94/95 and for right now - thats all i can mentally handle... im trying to accept it and to not lose more - so far though with the purging again well idk what is going to happen or how my body is going to react...

im scared because im supposed to be looking into a treatment place that i possibly can go to... i found one in the list of 3 that i was given but i really just dont wanna go so far away and with no return date - its that much more scarey!

since getting home from the ip stay i have slowly begun seperating myself from my 'safe' foods and drinks again and even limiting my coffee intake again... i have to fight this fear and keep this stuff safe or there will be no way to be successful....not for me anyway.

i have therapy tomorrow - i did do my goals but i want a new notebook for this years goals so when i go shopping for a bday gift for my sons friend tomorrow - i think i will get one and rewrite the goals in it...

as far as feelings go? i honestly dont feel much of anything except my splitting - pounding headache and guilt with fear for failing again... and worried about what psych person had said to me when i saw her last...

well i suppose thats all i really have to say for now if i think of anything else - i may add to this post... either way - i need to write in my physical journal and get myself back on track!