ohh fantastic - NOT...

425pm friday 06 jan 2012

mood/emotions: im really not feeling much of anything... i seem to have gotten myself into a place where i am dettatched and numb... im trying to determine what i do feel - but i have nothing...

my therapy today was rough, challenging but good... i mean it didnt trigger me - i was already triggered when i got there... i really thought i wasnt going to make it home and was going to bp - but i didnt... so sat down at the table and i typed my goals for the month of jan and im making it kind of fancy or what not to put it into my new goals notebook... idk - i dont want last years with this year because i have to have a better year this year - i dont wanna jinx it with last year's vibes!

well i woke this am planning 100% to have a good day - to make everything go well and achieve a no bp day... well i developed the tremors AGAIN then add the migraine and i was so triggered! had my appointment then headed to whole foods and got a few vegetarian things for myself and then came home... hubby texted he was already home for lunch - dam i keep missing him! ih well guess ill see him some tonight - right?

sitting here typing my goals and i really had to pee! well then i had some strnge cramping and low and behold the dreaded has happened - my period back AGAIN! i mean granted last one was dec 22 and only lasted 3 dayss but dam! i hate this!

im really scared of what is going on with me and my head lately... the voices are so strong and so terrifying... trying to eat and ignore them is not working... i cant seem to focus on my crafty projects and i definately have not been able to read... so far the only thing i have sort of been able to do is write and that only helps for so long because im thinking and i hear those screams in my head! do i sound crazy yet? yep - me be thinking so!

i tried to explain my fears to my T this am about eating and maintaining and eventually my body deciding to gain because it determines how much im eating is enough... i told her im freaked out at the small gains and that a big gain - well thats unthinkable right now! i also told her about my husbands remarks and reactions to me eating or weighing foods and what im eating or weighing... she told me i need to try to not need to weigh things as often  - especially those foods i have labeled as 'safe' foods... idk ive not been able to do that with anything except apples!

so confession time i guess... :(
i ate today and i purged... i made myself some salad with vegetarian almond cheese and a roma tomatoe... in total maybe 75cals... then i also make turk'y burgers on sandwich thins and they were 170cals each... i should have stopped there - i knew by then what i was doing - but i just could not stop! i had to make sure i would be able to purge myself empty and clean... so i had some toast with peanut butter and honey and then went upstairs and purged... my weight is up 1lb from when i woke this am but i know its water weight... im sure it will go back down tomorrow... besides - getting my period again always gives me weird weight readings!

im getting frustrated with the thoughts i keep having... it gets so annoying to constantly think about food and calories and drinking things... i just want to have an empty mind for a while! is that really so much to ask for? idk i guess maybe it is... those of us who arent normal dont get a break from the hell in which we live...

my middle son has a party to go to for a friend tonight, starts at 630 pm and since hubby isnt here yet - well guess that means im taking him... hopefully hubby will be able to pick him up for me... i got the girl the new Kelly Clarkson cd and a book... for not knowing what she likes it was hard to decide on anything! i figure she is 15 though and thats the stuff i liked at the time.... i got her a gift receipt for the cd in case she has it already or doesnt like it... i also bought myself the cd - i now have all of her cd's again! i was looking for the new Avril Lavigne one but couldnt find it... thats ok i love Kelly!

so my boys took down th Christmas tree and decorations today... now the floor needs vacuumed and it looks much better! im hoping ill have the energy and NO cramps to stop me from working out tomorrow on the elliptical!

i got the referral for my oldest son for the pulmonologist today so monday i need to call and get him an appointment and also call the dermetology specialist for my foot...

no clue what im making the fam for dinner... maybe just throw some sandwiches together or make ravioli... if i do that have to use alfredo or marinara and i dont know which to do... i guess i should get it cooking pretty soon though its getting late!