a too long anxiety provoking day...

10:15am
MOOD: ANXIOUS

well sometimes....it just seems people dont understand the things they do or say can really hurt those around them - directly and indirectly...

so i went to ANAD lastnight and it was not very beneficial for me except the lady that heads the group is a nurse and was able to explin my labs to me that i didnt know what they meant... so other than that, well the group was mostly for one other lady and a new girl who just moved to the area 2 weeks ago...i gave some feedback on the use of melatonin for a natural sleep agent but other than that - for me it was nothing more than an anxiety provoking ordeal which included a round-trip of 1.5hr driving...i got home and i just wanted for my husband to hold me, he hugged me for a bit and it was really nice... i really needed the conforting for a while...i felt disgusting and like i was grotesque to him but he wuldnever say that out right...

when we wre going to sleep he starts talking about how they have magazines for too thin supermodels so the should make one for obese people with kankles too...i told him to stop he was gong to give me nightmares - that vision is really horrific and scare for me...he kept on so i finally turned away from him and pretended to be asleep until he stopped...i was so petrified to go to sleep and mostly just tossed and turned with bad visions and horrible thoughts screaming in my head... they wouldnt stop...when i finally did fall asleep it was quite restless and i was exhausted and did not want the day to start...

i went to the bathroom and peed then stripped to weigh and to my surprise i was down to 113.8! i was down.02lbs from yesterday! yay! i know you all are probably saying ummm its only .02 of a lb but hey - anything down, for me, is ALWAYS better when it comes to my weight!

so today is the meeting with the addictions counselor and my 15.5yr old son is going with me - i think he will really enjoy the learning experience... Lord help me to be honest with the therapist about my binge drinking lately - ugh!

tomorrow is my Dr appt - this is what i am VERY ANXIOUS about... so nervous... wish my weight was down to 110 as i dont want to be held accountable to maintain anything higher - i guess we will see what happens right???

so i guess im going for now and ill post more later if i can...

5:42pm
mood: ANXIOUS, NERVOUS WORRIED
so i went to my appt this am after i went to michaels and returned something, the thrift bakery bread store and got lots of bread type foods, then CVS, goodwill and family dollar...at the appt the therapist asked what i wanted to cover this session and i said how addictions work in the brain etc... the basics but deeper into them with more detail... so he went over a lot of stuff and my son was so engrossed in the information - he learned a lot he said... we came home and unfortunately i b/p for my 2nd time today - i was not happy with myself but was feeling way better when i got done... here is the confusing part though... i weighed in bra and panties right after and my weight was down further to 112.8??? idk but i will take it! the lower the better!

i laid down on the bed for about 30min and was reading the news on cnn.com on my phone and looked at some pics on the t-mobile entertainment link... i finally got up, made my way downstairs and prepared for dinner... i made grilled ham, geen beans and rolls...

i also took some pics of myself and for the memory for me and to prove to myself my weight i am going to add a few of them here later... idky i feel like i need to post these to prove to those who think im a fake - but for some reason it is really bothering me...so to ease my mind...i think im going to post them - but only a few...

so lastnight i took a pic and sent to my husband - i cant add it here because it shows my face. however, later i was looking at the pic and saw for the first time ever how small my arms looked... i can put my bangle all the way to my elbow!

i got a text from my hubby earlier and it made me nervous and sad... he said he is having a very crappy day... bad days for him at work usually escalate into confrontation with me about my issues when he gets home... great... so then he texts and says 'y r u losing more weight? u have more bones showing now'... yikes!... so i told him im still about the same - with a 2lb variance depending on the time of day... im not sure if he will accept that answer but i guess ill find out when he gets home later right?

i was thinking earlier about my eating disorder and i feel like i want to get rid of it but at the same time - the fear to let go is so prominent that letting go is too scarey sometimes... at the same time people always tell me 'u can always go back if u dont like recovery' but here is the thing... recovery is scarey... ED is a bitch and if i leave it - coming back may not be an option OR worse - i come back and it gets me with a vengeance... either way - i dont like the end result and im not sure which is worse or which is worth more to do...

as of right now - i am going to keep pushing to the recovery journey... i know the hope is going to be very dim at some times and at other times may seem higher... right now the hope is dim... but it is still hope...

i want to say i have a goal for my future and i guess for right now - my first and most important goal is to start taking care of me... this SOOOOO hard... i have the worst time trying to be nice to myself and taking care of myself in a proper and positive manner...the self-hatred and loathing as well as the self-harm, thats the easy stuff for me to do but i know i have to stop...

with my regular therapist we are working right now on things that trigger me - both for the ED and for other forms of self-harm, such as the cutting and bruising - even the binge drinking... the worst of this is that right now -EVERYTHING is a trigger... somethings are more triggering than others but triggers are triggers and sometimes one trigger attatches to another etc and then it all gets worse... then comes the chain reaction with the negative coping behaviors... these i am trying to change...

i decided i would eat a small amount of the ham tonight as then when my husband asks my boys if i ate and they can tell him yes... i did purge which really sucks but now... its really odd because the scale is reading even lower? i know its not the batteries - i replaced those this am... so i wonder if it is accurate now and the anxiety from it is killing me... i suppose i will find out tomorrow right?

i keep losing phone signal... for now i must go as my husband is on his way home and the blog/online journal - its a no-no to him because he doesnt like me telling strangers about my life when i dont tell him everything... the HUGE difference is that i do not give a f*ck who judges me online and its easier to write than talk... with him - i worry about what he thinks and how this will hurt him if he does know...so i tell him some - as much as i feel comfortable with and as much as i feel like wont cause him to terribly much worry. he has tons to worry about already - he doesnt need me added to it...