a much needed update... and well a VENT!

ok well so let me start with the simple stuff - im still fat, im still struggling and im still looking to my ED for happiness yet trying to delete him from my life and journey into recovery... simple right? NOT!
so i had a friend - rather someone i thought was a friend, and because i was not making my way into recovery fast enough she deleted me from her life??? ok - her choice - but it really hurt... how can a person with an ED judge another person for their speed of recovery??? i dont understand that...

i have made my story clear in a post near the beginning of when i started my blog... i started with ANA when i was 5yrs old and i just turned 37... ok- so lately i have really been fighting with mia... it is NORMAL for a person with an ED to go between and back/forth to ANA or MIA... for me i was strictly ANA then i started purging at age 14 and it was intermittent purging in my life... mostly i was restricting with the purging through vomitting and over exercise and laxatives... i passed out at school a few times and was escorted by the school narks to the office and sent home with a 'flu' a few times when really it was caused from laxatives and dehydration...

how can a person with an ED - no matter how long they have had it, doubt another person with an ED especially someone with a history??? i have been admitted numerous times for potassium and hydration iv's... i have endured treatment stays 5x's and am still currently AMA to being admitted right now... how can someone judge then whether i am being honest or not about my size or my weight?

so to make ME feel better... my weight check this am was 113.6lbs however after drinking water and green tea it was up to 114.2lbs but fully clothed in jeans and a shirt with a 11yr olds belt - i was 115... so u decide whether i am worthy of judging and worthy of being called a fraud or a fake - which in a sense is what i feel i have in 'not so many words' been called...

to be honest i dont care who thinks i am 'fake' or a 'fraud' - y should i have to prove myself to anyone? i dont - i KNOW i am for real and i fucking hate this ED so much - it is taking everything and everyone from me... im trying to get better and showing someone how 'sick' i am is not going to help me get any better.... u can choose to believe me or not - i dont care...

so lets see...back in the beginning of June i started seeing my therapist again - with a few rules:
i have to do a type of PhP which we created since there are none available in my area that my ins will cover. this meant finding 2 additional services every week on top of seeing her... she told me what she deemed acceptable and then i had to agree to it, i also had to sign a medical contract that states i will follow ANY and ALL treatment reccommendations made from my treatment team... this part im not so comfortable with but i needed to get back into therapy - i feel i have more control over MIA when i am seeing my therapist and am being held more accountable....

so my additional services have since included seeing an addictions therapist to educate me and support me in addictions - assuming that MIA can be deemed a type of addiction as well as my sudden binge drinking rampages ive been having... need to nip that and fast... the last service is ANAD... i FINALLY found a group somewhat near here for support! it is every tuesday night from 8-9pm and i have to drive 45min one way to get there - but if it helps its worth it!

so far i feel like the addictions part has been really helpful and ive really actually enjoyed the education... the ANAD has been a little challenging to say the least... i feel like i am being ccombatted head on by ED and he doesnt want to let go - not even an inch... going to these groups is admitting i have an ED and that i cant do this alone if i really want to get better... ED, well he keeps pulling those chains that bind us, telling me its all lies and that i need to not go... so far i have combatted back and refused let him win - ive gone to all 4 meetings since i found out about them...

the third meeting was really triggering for me as the 2 younger girls (17 and 21) were totally talking about laxatives and sneaking away at work to purge and having brownies etc... (all this was discussed before the meeting @8)... i eventually had to get up and go to another area until the meeting started because i was really getting triggered BAD... i also feel like i am the fattest one there and like i dont need to be going because i just dont fit the criteria... my therapist says that is not true and it is ED lieing to me like he has so many times before... but sometimes well idk...

so last week was another triggering week for me... i was really dissociating a LOT and the leader was a MALE... i am really uncomfortable with male therapists, Dr's etc... i just dont feel comfortable sharing my issues with them... my therapist says this is from my past abuse and it will get easier - idk... so yesterday i made a trip to the lab - dam vampires always stealing my blood! and later i went to my case manager (cm) to get the results... they were some ok but some really bad... my K was 4.4 (probably all the supps i took friday - sunday!) and my magnesium was 2.0 (i have been taking 3x the prescribed amount for 2 months now!) my protein was low normal and had dropped substantially from my last labs... the iron is where the concern mostly is... it was super super low... it only went up .01 for absorbtion in my blood... from  a 4.3 to a 4.4% - yikes! for me this is really scarey seeing as the Dr's think the low iron is what caused my seizure in 2009... and for some reason this time my glucose was even low??... not substantially low but low enough to raise a flag and warrant a follow-up call from my Dr's nurse to make sure i keep my 730am appt thursday... just grand.... i dont even understand how or y it was low... i had eaten (although i did purge it all) on sunday and the labs require a 12hr fast... i had fasted just at 12hrs when the blood was drawn...so i am not sure what this means... just what i need - another problem to handle...

my Dr appt on thursday i have to do a weight check - ugh... the thing is i also have to sign another medical contract with her that states what my 'short term' goals are in recovery as far as the medical side goes... my therapist suggested that i agree to maintain whatever the weight is when i check-in on thursday or to gain a little but i am not allowed to go lower or that will deem immediate hospitalization... yikes - i do not like that at all! i would like to have a super low weight on thursday for this reason - that way i dont have to worry too much about losing - my goal is just 110 for now... i know i wont like that weight and i will still be fat... but i would rather have that be my lowest allowed over 113 or 114.... im just not sure the dr will go for it... she was pissed last time i had a weight check and was 112... thankfully i had waterlogged that weight check cuz i was down to 108!

the good part to all of this is i have resisted laxatives - although the cravings have been there and also been able to hold back with cutting although i have self-harmed in other ways such as punching myself until i had bruises on my ribs and it even hurt to breathe... but hey - one thing to tackle at a time right? small babysteps or shuffling it doesnt matter as long as i go forward... when i get knocked to my ass - i dust off and get back to a fighting position ready to go again - fight another round... just like in Martial Arts - i dont give up and i fight to WIN!