a new start?

ok - so adding to the LONG post from a few minutes ago...
let me say i have removed some things which i consider to be 'pro-ana'... i cant have the weightloss ticker and fat pictures staring back at me everytime i login to blog... i need to have something positive to work on and into recovery... so on top of this, i also decided that rather than just delete this blog - i will have a fresh start from today... i am posting the journey i am on and have taken to get into recovery...

i know there are a lot of posts in here which can be triggering - but you know what? im not deleting them because they were raw and honest from my mind, heart, and soul in regards to my life, my ED and how i am doing or not doing... it doesnt matter anymore what anyone thinks... maybe someone thinks im a 'fraud' or that i 'dont really have an ED' - tell that to my Dr's please! or maybe someone judges me as a 'fake' towards recovering - well FUCK - U then!

i am going to get my recovery ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... it doesnt matter anymore how long it takes - as long as i DONT GIVE UP! just because someone can stop b/p cold turkey - doesnt mean everyone can - and i have not been able to... i have made progress for the most part, reducing my # of x's per day to 3 or less but somedays are worse and somedays are better...

one of my goals is im trying to determine what might be safe foods for me and how to go about being able to keep them down - not letting them trigger me into b/p or even just into purging... somedays i make it through and other days i wish i would just fall asleep and never wake up...

i have researched and asked for natural supplements to help with the cravings to purge and i am taking something for that... i am taking my prozac religiously although i do sometimes forget and wind up b/p before i take it... but when i do take it i find i have way more control over MIA than i do when i do not take it...

maybe someone reading this feels like laughing at me - i dont care - people laugh and talk about me all the time - i feel like the laughing stock from the ANAD group because i am the fattest one there but it doesnt matter - i need to be there... whether i fit in or feel uncomfortable is besides the point, these are MY steps to recovery...

for today i feel down and depressed but at the same time - i feel hope... maybe i really can find recovery i just have to keep fighting and keep walking the path wrong turns, falls and all - until i get to the end of the journey which holds recovery.

so in the end of this journal log, i realize how much i am really hurting as a result of people discarding and deleting me from their lives... i realize im not perfect and i never said i was - i never will be but i strive to be the best i can... i feel like my best is not good enough and that people are judging me for this - it really hurts and i dont like the feelings at all... i wish i could just not care...just delete those people from my life like they have me from theirs... instead i DO care about them and i wait on the sidelines listening/reading their blogs or journal posts and keeping up with their successes and struggles hoping someday they may befriend me again...

am i really such a horrible person i do not deserve any friendship? i must be - as i have none... ED has taken everyone from me. Well, and those he hasnt i guess their ED has taken them from me... so alas ED has me alone, isolated and fighting this battle... i know i will make it through some day - no matter the pain and sadness i take along the road, or the hits from those recinding their friendship; either way - i have to make it....
im done with venting. im feeling extremely sad and alone... im off for now and well ill try to write some more tomorrow...