it just gets harder...

i wanna say things have been wonderful and that my life has gotten better - but that would be a page full of lies so i wont do that...
since my last post things have not improved in fact at some levels it has only gotten worse... let me start with presidents day - no clue what i posted from then but all three of my kids were home sick... well the oldest wasnt sick but was an optional school day for him and only half day so he didnt go... the other 2 well they were sick... my youngest vomitted so no school then the middle same thing... well then that night the youngest got a low fever - great no school tomorrow i guess... we got up and he was on fire - his temp nearly 102... gave him motrin and called the apt line for dr... got him in and they tested for strep - negative its just a virus... if it gets worse bring him back... i hate having sick kids - it is SOOOO triggering for mia! yep - she won... i dont even know how many times or what i just remember i bp over and over... so exhausting and didnt get my homework done... the next  morning i take him back to the dr because i cant keep the fever down... everytime i give him the meds (tylenol and motrin) as soon as the time hits 4hrs the fever spikes again - this is not normal... the clinic says they dont do walk ins come back at 11 for an apt so its 930 and he is hungry... i decide to go to golden coral as he can eat anything he wants that they have and will have a variety to select from... he eats 3 bites of a salad and 3 bites of a donut... says his stomach and head hurt and he doesnt feel good again...he starts shaking - great fever coming back... so i take him to the dr its almost 11 by then we go in and they take his temp 101.9 so i give him the tylenol...the dr checks his ears throat etc and sends us to xray - he hears something in the lungs... great... so we get the xrays and he is so wobbly and shakey he cant even hardly walk he has to be held up so he nurse gives us a wheel chair... i lean over to kiss his cheek and he is burning... we get to the clinic and i request a recheck on his temp - its been nearly an hr the tylenol should be working by now... the nurse takes the temp and its gone up rather than down! it is inow 103! she rushes in to the dr and then back with an order for motrin... the dr comes in a few min later and says after reading the xrays he has bronchitis again... i knew something was wrong - a child doesnt get a fever that high for no reason! he prescribes some motrin and antibiotics and we go sit to wait at the pharmacy... a bit later he takes his jacket off - he is sweating, the fever is breaking... we get the meds and he is hungry - i have to go to the store so we get chinese and he actually EATS! this is the first he has eaten in several days i am so happy! i get home and the night is full of bp... i am so stressed out and cramping bad - my period came on this am and i am hurting and craving... i cant seem to stop eating and purging on top of i have a huge assignment to finish... i will just try to stop again tomorrow...
well when thursday comes i am full of bp again... it is so triggering... i wish i could just not eat dam it! i have no idea what happened this day - i dont remember except it was full of bp and a sick kid... friday came and went the same except i planned to not bp... i was set even had a shake in the am to hold me off from caving but it didnt work that way... i went to get my sons makeup work at school and it went from one trigger to another... the worst part was i didnt even want to eat or to purge - i forced myself to do it... i think it was 3x all together...
then today... well i got up at 9 and my son has no fever yay! finally! however my stomach is in knots and i just dont feel well... i force myself up anyway and head to gnc to try to get the new detox from bethenny funkel... they dont have it and i start to feel triggered but i dont let it get to me and head to the g. store to pick up a few items - flavored water bottles, cooking oil, toothpaste, deopderant, sugar free vanilla syrup for my coffee and a few other things i cant recall right now... i didnt get any bp stuff at all - i was good! i get home, put away the groceries and come back to my room... i throw on my sleep clothes and climb back in my bed... my stomach is tearing up and i feel really sick - mouth watering and dizzy but i refuse to give mia the upperhand... im taking back my body from her - she needs to find some other patsy! i talk to my friend a bit, we r bth battling today to be free of mia, and then my hubby and i fall asleep whilst reading... when i wake - the miralax i had taken lastnight seems to be kicking in and i stumbled to the bathroom and back to bed... i swallow 5 gulps of my iced (now room temp) coffee and lay back down... slowly my stomach is settling and im feeling a little more awake... by now it is 3pm and i know i need to drink water - but im scared it will trigger me and let mia through my tightly closed doors so i opt for nothing... i just lay in my bed reading blogs, watching vlogs and threads from fgg forum... some of the things these girls post irritate me so bad... like they think ED is just some game, a diet - a life style and its not! its a dam illness and i wish it would go away!
anyway, so im laying here talking to my friend and my son comes in - he is feeling sick again great - but at least no fever... he goes downstairs and next thing i know he is asleep - poor baby... i cant let this trigger me though! i chug some water - the first of the day and its ok but i feel like i need to bp... im trying hard to resist but its not going so well! my son comes in - my oldest and says the dinner is done come eat.... grrr how to escape this! he knows ive not had anything today... looks like mia wins again... fu*k me - i suck!