epic disaster of relapse and failure...

29 Sept,2011

so hmmm it is 322 pm on thursday and this past few days has totally not gone as i planned.
i woke yesterday planning to make the day with zero bp - i think that every day and im finding im the master of lieing to myself. because i do not agree with lieing - it is making things even harder and i feel even worse about not accomplishing the goals for that day.
anyway...yesterday i ended up bp 3x... i had a headache and was exhausted and i was asleep by 9. i didnt leave the house again. this whole week all i have done was leave to pick my son up from school monday because he had a migraine and then on tuesday for ANAD. otherwise ive been strapped to this house and it is the worst triggering ever.

so now it is 445 sorry i had to help my son with some homework...
im hoping i won eat dinner tonight  im not hungry and if i eat it will be binging which w know what happens then...
the house has like nearly no food again... ive eaten and puked so much its rediculous - the only thing i can say is it was all helthy suff... like potatoes and peanut butter on whole wheat bagels... i was craving those bad for a while - glad that went away now...
im super tired still... i know its the iron is low because i dont have the right strength so im taking a much lower dose... tomorrow i will get the right oneswhen i go to therapy in richmond as there are only 2 stores  know that sell them...
im baking chicken with cream of mushroom soup over it, and then im steaming some mixed veggies and im boiling gnocchi... they can put the chicken and soup over the top... a newway for having the chicken gnocchi and i didnt feel like cutting the chicken and i didnt get it in the crockpot this am anyway so this is ok... there is bread i can butter and heat for them too... i think they will like it all...
so i ended up getting my fat lazy ass out of the house today... i walked 6mile by walking first to kenner to see sylvia theni walked to the bank and then home... it may have been a little over 6 miles but im only counting the 6 i know for sure...
my back is sore too but lately its always sore.
i have nothing really good to say here, im just trying to make it through... i have stuff to update for my session tomorrow. im afraid im going to be in trouble because the whole goal thing has not been going too well...i think this week i managed to keep down that 30cals drink on friday and another day i did gum which i count because it has 10 cals for 2 pcs and i have to chew it, then today i also chewed gum...
im finding it is even difficult lately to drink my hawaian punch drinks... im only ok with water or no sugar added teas...so like making tea with just water and the bags and adding ice and some splenda... i havent been able to do the other stuff and i think i know why... it is very triggering for me because i know i am not supposed to intentionally be trying to lose weight... does not mean i do not want too - i do, but im not trying too so by not trying to lose it means i have to really be careful of what i have... everything counts even more now because my goal is maintain not lose and def NOT gain... so my insane fears of my weight going up from any and everything are escalated and the anxiety and depression are really bad....
at ANAD tuesday the discussion was pretty interesting... it was to me anyway... the girls were talking about how their family members are larger or big sized and how some have different types of eating disorders themselves... i found this interesting because like them  my family is hugely obese and im terrified of ending up like that! the part that makes it worse is when i eat something and the weight shoots up - it scares me to no end resulting in the purging behaviors... i need to find a way to stop that!
so today for the walk i felt great to get some exercise! the best part is i didnt spend the day just eating and puking! this is why i believe if i get a pt job - it will enforce some structure and enable me to get myself under much better control... idk i hope..

hmmm it is now 727pm and things have gone the way i didnt want...i ended up eating the chicken with soup and veggies and purging... then i ate some bread with sugar free prserves which i then also purged... today was 3x though which is 3 days in a row... not the best but it is better than i had been doing lately...
ive managed to not drink any alcohol this week - even though i really wantd to a few times... my goal was not to so i didnt... now if ican only do the same with the other goals...
so tomorrow i have things to do  pay bills, go to whole foods, martins, bread store and of course grocery shopping...i have some gum so i am aiming to try and make the goal of watching what i eat and trying to not purge... i must do at least 1 thing... this is so hard but it is a goal for me... just because honestly i havent kept food down in ages... with the exception of friday's drink and the gum chewing... im anxious and nervous for tomorrow... i am scared of sabotaging myself subconsciously and that makes it worse...
i was thinking about recovery and if i am motivated? i am motivated most days, but other times i am so exhausted from fighting the unknown that, well, just doing what i know - is truely much simpler. that doesnt means its ok to stop and it doesnt mean im not going to keep trying of course i will it just explains some of what seems like a loss of motivation. its really not loss of motivation - its a lack of enough energy to keep my footing... sometimes i need to have a breather and i guess thats what i do....i need to try to stop taking those breathers because thats like giving myself permission to be sick andi dont want to give myself that permission... what i do want is to go back to restriction at least that is less dangerous and less strenuous on my body... then i can build to a more stable eating routine... my dr had even said she would rather me restrict or not eat than purge because its not as bad for the body... so there we have it folks!
my husband is home, i was helping my son somemore with his homework... he had to create a 'teasure box' which has 7 items in it and then answer the questions about each item... now he is decorating the box but we had to wrap it and i wanted him to do th most of it i just supervised and helped to tweak the areas that werent matching up... he has stickers and pictures and markers and he is coloring some things to put on it now and has added some stickers already... once he is finished decorating - its just to move the items carefully into the box and make sure it goes in a bag he can take on the bus...


ok so i am done for now... i have nothing more to really say and i cant decipher my thoughts...sorry I just have no focus to write this in my journal…

ugh I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway… wish I had some vodka or long island ice teas right now…