who says its not ok to say what i need to?

708pm 21 sept 2011

MOOD: depress, bloated, crampy, crabby, a 'dont touch, talk, or look at me' kind if mood.

ok so it has been a few days... well more like almost a month and i aplogize for my absense. things have been extremely rough lately and i have not been in the best of places to share anything with anyone.

last night was by far one of the worst in the nearly 2 weeks since ive seen my therapist. i feel like somewhere in the past near two weeks ive sort of given up? i didnt mean to and didnt plan it - i think it has sort of happened though and im not sure how to get back 'on track' so to speak.

ok let me back track and explain a bit....
so we had the horrible hurricaine which started a spiral of negative events leading up to this past two weeks... we had no power for 2 weeks then the following weekend we had my boys' bday party/sleep over. that was ok except the one girl who was there i think is in the beginning stages of an ed and it scared the shit out of me some of the remarks she made, not to mention the other comments i had gotten earlier that same day...

next was my appt with Pam (my psyche med person) and i was ok with it at first... but then i got upset because she didnt seem at all concerned regarding my weight. i wa frustrated because all these people telling me how skeletal and skinny and sickly i look then the one person who is a key part of my treatment is perfectly ok with it? talk about confusing and mixed messages and wow - ed had a fun time with that!

trying to just let that go was really hard and i still think im harboring it even though im trying not too... so after that which was wednesday, friday i had my therapy appt and that was really really hard for me. i had to create some new goals as well as face the ones i should have achieved. i made most of them but was really struggling with the not losing more weight thing. i totally wanted that off my list! so i made my new goals and was off for the day to do what needed to be done...like paying bills etc...

yikes next was another ANAD after a LONG weekend.... ANAD was ok that week but the next day was hard - i had to do an intake with the lady from the James House and i was totally not wantig to do it... i just dont feel like dealing with that shit i want it to just be nonexistent and have not have happened. pretending it didnt keeps it at bay but sometimes it does get in my way and i realize that... so the nex day i get a call from hubby saying his bankcard isnt working... great. i go to the bank and we find we have fraud on our account and are overdrawn nearly 1000$! OMG! i go to his work and i let him know and we get the stuff to make a claim.... it is filed and faxed that night but wont be worked on until friday am... well this is grand as im floating in the van - not driving as i have fumes not gas left... im so scared im going to be stranded!

i call Diane and leave a message i have to cancel... im not thrilled... i know i needed that session and i was not in a very good place...i was now beginning to quickly spiral further downhill not up... my husband comes home after pt with some $ from a fellow soldier to help us get gas and some food in the bare fridge and cupboards but it wasnt in time for me to make my already cancelled appt.... i go to the store to get the bare neccessitites - i have coupons and calculator in hand... i really have to be careful and make sure im extra thrifty.

i get a call during my trip at the store from Diane and im able to give a little information but not any detail - i am in public and im wearing my 'smiley face' so i dont scare or worry anyone... i feel like shit and im ready to just hide so i go home and thats exactly what i do... well almost... instead i start making food for the fam and in the process begin binging... i just eat this and that bites here and there... when everything is done cooking i go purge and im ready to sleep. im so exhausted.

then my hubby comes home and he got a loan for food and gas from the AER and we go grocery shopping...saturday we also spend shopping until the van breaks down... i swear when something bad happens - it just keeps going... i feel like im going to completely lose myself... i just feel like giving up...
we take the van to the auto zone and have diagnostics run and they say everything is good... this cant be right so we take it to the mechanic we normally use for our car... they let us leave the van and say if they can get it done before 1 they will let us know otherwise not till monday... great now i feel like shit, im stranded, have nothing to do and will be ALONE... NOT GOOD!

sunday passes with me not even rememebring much except the binging and purging which was far from in control... im scared now because its all i can seem to think about... how can i eat and puke while my husband is here and him not know??? its hard but im unfortunately very good at it... im also good at hiding the dishes so he doesnt know what ive had or not and to replace the stuff i eat so he cant tell...im ashamed of these behaviors - i despise and hate them yet they take over and i feel as though im not even in my wn body anymore...

monday comes and i wake slightly hungover...yep i got drunk lastnight and i dont even care... i just wanted the binging and puking to stop and it finally had... the problem now? i got up and my husband came home in a tizzy and i just let it set me off to anothe day of binging and purging...

tuesday morning i wake hungover a third day... i have to be careful this is not a good way to be going on and i know... i dont have any idea what the hell is wrong with me... all i can seem to do is crave peanut butter and potaotes (not together yuck!)... i start trying to contemplate what the hell is going on... why am i doing this? how can i let myself fall so hard right now? some things come to mind,
a) finces have me stressed
b) the call to James house and then the intake
c) the bank account fraud
d) no money
d) no food or gas to take care of my kids with
e) my period is due any day...

ok so now that i had an idea i was thinking i could get through the rest of the evening, ANAD and wednesday in a good decent way... well that thinking was nice while it lasted but i was feeling so down... so depressed and gross - it was a VERY VERY VERY bad body image day and i had to wait for ANAD to start... where i had to sit there ae these HUGE windows and all i could see was my horrible fat and disgusting reflection... needless to say this just didnt help the hatred which was harboring and building... it got so bad the storm turned into a tumoltuos tornadoe... i wanted to die... i scratched my left wrist with my keys until it was bleeding then used the key to hit my left thigh over and over until it bruised...

time for the group and i just could not go in... i could not face anyone or anything not like this... so i sat in the corner away from the mirrors and tried to get myself under control.. Debi came out and asked if iwas coming in, i told her i would in a littl bit i jut didnt feel like being aroun others or being seen... she said ok as long as i did come in later... she went to clock out and on her way back she asked me to come in with her so i did.. i wasnt about to go in late on my own even though i was there at 7 and group wasnt til 8...

in the group it ws now 830 and she asked if i felt like talking... i said no and i just listened to the 2 new girls and the other girls who were there... i deffinately felt like i was out of place and didnt need to be there.... i felt huge and gross and i just wanted to leave... i hate to cry yet i coldnt keep he tears from escaping every now and again and it was really making me angry...

on my drive home i was hoping my family was in bed and asleep... i didnt want to be touched and i didnt feel like talking to anyone... i was hoping my husband would be awake though and would be willing to just hold me for a little while.. however i pulled into the driveway and the whole house was black as the night... i came inside and quietly readied for bed, took my meds and went to bed...when i climbed in my husband rolled over groggily and said hi, kissed me, rolled back over and was out... i lay there alone and wishing i could just be held... im not sure what was making everything seem so terrible but i didnt like it and i was just ready to sleep and not wake up... i had even silently hoped i would fall asleep whilst driving home so i wouldnt have to deal with anything ever again... not having to say good bye would be the easiest way for everyone and it would be an accident so noone would be angry or hate me for going... well obviously since tehre i was laying in the bed - i hadnt fallen asleep on that drive home...

i woke this am, got up thinking i could really do this... knew i could make the day and not be binging and purging again... i ha some plans and i knew what needed to be done but first thigns first - i had to make breakfast for my sons... thats where everything started going down hill even farther...yep i made them breakfast and i binged and purged then went back to bed... when i got up my husband had surprised me by coming home when he had said he woud not be home till lunch... so i was so groggy i just couldnt get out the bed and satyed there... when i got up at 930 he was gone and i was alone and even more depressed... i started binging and then purged and then lay back in the bed... i was having cramps and wasnt thrilled- i knew what that meant and i was right... later around 1140 i got up after atching NCIS and lucky me here is mother nature grrrr.... i wasnt happy... came downstairs and started sorting coupons trying to busy myself and not bp again - well it worked for about 20 minutes then i made some boxed potatoes and started binging on em when who should pullinto the driveway? my husband... freaking out i covered th potatoes and purged really quick - he just thought i was using the bathroom... he only had 30 min so he helped me with the coupons some then left and i finished my binging on potatoes... well at least i know now why i was craving potatoes and peanut butter so badly lately...potassium and protein...

i finished with the coupons, im sick of binging and purging... my son walks through the door - finally not alone anymore... net my other son then surprise - my husband... i thought he wasnt going to be there for  while but that was ok... i sat with him on the couch then my youngest came in... we had some almonds with raisins and i purged when they were gone - hubby had already left... at 445 my hubby comes home for the night and i ask if he wants to go get the basics we need from the store... my oldest was making pizza for dinner...

at the store we are careful and get what we need - having coupons for nearly everything... we pay and leave to come home and the gas light comes on... ugh we cant seem to win... oh well guess he will get gas in the morning as he just drives home...

when we get home we bring the groceries in and it smells like something is burnin... yep the pizza buzzer goes off and the first pan of mini pizzas are ready... i put all the groceries away and hubby says make a plate and come sit with me... great - this means more puking.. blah... oh well

so i eat some of the pizza and purge then come down and sit to watch the tv with my son...soon they are all moving on and loggin into the games online so i just go upstairs and change... when i come back down my husband says he is showering then going to bed - heis exhausted... i would say he has the right seeing as he had to be at work today at 2am!

as soon as he goes upstairs - i raid the kitchen full on mia mode... i eat some food and purge halfway through then finish and purge some more... my 3x a day has gone right out the window and im disgusted... finally able to stop...

i feel like a fat disgusting pig... i have wasted so much food by just putting it down the toilet... most of the days for the past 2 weeks are a blur... i remember some ofthe bp and i dont remember others... i know i drank 3x in a row and i went to ANAD last night... i think i have really been dissociated and i have to find myself again...

the only thing i can honestly say i have really done in the way of working towards recovery is forcing myself t not lose more weight... although i am disgusted with my body and i dont want to be this size - i feel like losing more will get me closer to happiness... but my gial was to get used to not losing more weight... get out of that mindset... well the thoughts are very prominent and very hard to ignore... i am fighting to keep from doing it but the other goals have suffered as a result... now i need to find a way to get myself back in order with my goals and up to where i need to be... ganing weight is NOT on that list - i am fighting for maintainance as is... this will have to be enough for now...

my husband said it really hurts him and bothers him to see me so boney and skeletal... to look at me from behind and be able to count my ribs through my top... i wissh i could agree and see those things - but it is deffinately not what i see...

sorry this was so long - it needed to be. i needed to catch up and just vent.