Day 2 going AWESOME so far!

so before i begin this - let me say i am VERY manic today!

bipolar mania:
Types of episodes
There are 3 main types of bipolar episodes:

• Manic episodes: The high moods—or “mania”—that can make you feel overly happy, irritable, or restless
• Depressive episodes: The low moods, which can make you feel very sad, hopeless, or fatigued
• Mixed episodes: Having symptoms of acute manic episodes and depressive episodes at the same time

ok so i went to bed like 8pm...took 6mg of melatonin thinking i would sleep ALL night - WRONG! i was startled awake at 11 and couldnt get back to sleep so threw a load in the washer and climbed in a warm shower... when i got out came to bed and went to sleep but woke again at 2am and just laid there i decided since the lax didnt work so well i would try the salt water flush (swf) today and if it didnt work i would just take lax tonight... so i got it all set up and went back to sleep planning to get up at 6 and drink the stuff since school was delayed it would be done working (if it did in fact work this time!) and i could get my kids up and ready for school... well i woke at 4am and decided to go ahead and just do it then - what if i didnt wake at 6? so i drank it and as required laid on my right side for 30 minutes - well was actually 40minutes in the shower and then in the bed till 533 when BOOM! it started working - YES! i was so happy! lol! it didnt do a lot but i felt lighter - as in cleaner when it got finished even though it didnt really do too much, with all the reviews i did expect more...oh well i dont care at leat it worked! however i drank so much my weight has gone up - im scared to even weigh right now but when i woke before the swf i was 114 so im gona say thats what it is...

SWF:

How To Do A Salt Water Flush

Here are the directions for doing a salt water cleanse. You just need 2 simple ingredients: sea salt and water!
1. Heat up 1 quart of filtered water in a pan. (note: i read the main site and it says NOT to heat the water so i used room temperature - otherwise it changes the salt)

2. Add 2 spoons of sea salt to the pan of water.

3. Have a taste of the water, and ensure it tastes very salty. If it doesn't taste salty, add more salt.

4. Afterwards, pour all the water to a glass.

5. Drink down the water quickly.

6. Crouch and rub your abdomen. This helps break down any clumped fecal matter.

7. After 15 mins to 2 hours, you should have diarrhea. You will release the water out your anus. If you don't have diarrhea after 2 hours, you did not put enough sea salt. So next time, please put more!

after i woke at 533 i just couldnt get back to sleep so at 6am  got dressed and came downstairs - i was suddenly exploding with energy! i decided to make pancakes for my boys for breakfast and they would be done in time for when they had to get ready for school - i made apple cinnamon whole grain and also strawberry shortcake - they were a hit and there were plenty left to keep in the freeze for later they can microwave em to eat em for breakfast and are way better than the store bought frozen ones! while these were cooking i proceeded to: make a pitcher of iced coffee, blend an iced coffee drink for me (coffee with splenda and ice), made a new pot of coffee, made a pitcher of sugar free koolaid and switched over the laundry. i then got my shoes on preparing to take the boys to the bus when i got an automated message school was cancelled due to possible inclimate weather - grrrr!
ok so i loaded my middle son into the van with me - he loves to go when i go places and we hit up the commisarry. while there we got milk, sour cream, a package of shredded cheese, 6 boxes of ocean spray sugar free drink packet mixes(for 79c a box cuz i had a $1 off coupon per pack!), a half gallon of skim milk, and package of papertowels - then we came home.
when we got home i got straight to work with lots of other things - i wanted to be busy while i have the energy and to ward off any potential b/p or triggers... so i started putting the groceries on the counter - not in the fridge as i planned to clean that out. i asked my son to take everything out the fridge and put on the counters or towels on the floor while i: made pistaccio pudding, banana bread, cinnamon streusel cake and fresh guacamole. soon as he was done and i finished all that i put on gloves and cleaned out the fridge then put everything back in it nicely.

NICE FULL TIDY FRIDGE! MY BOYS HAVE FOOD READY TO EAT WHENEVER READY!

next i proceeded to put chicken, potatoes, tomatoes, celery and onions into the crockpot. next took rice and sour cream with some already cooked chicken, which i first deboned and the soup from the other night and mixed into a container. i then cut and gutted the acorn and butternut squash and put them to bake - the acorn with maple syrup and butter for one half and brown sugar and butter in the other and the butternut to just bake. When they got done i cleaned the acorn squash into a bowl for my middle son for lunch and then skinned and squished the butternut squash into the soup mix.

MY SOUP MIX - I AM ADDING IT TO THE STUFF FROM THE OTHER NIGHT - BET IT WILL BE TASTEY AND VERY HEALTHY! BUT NONE FOR ME - YAY!!!

with addition to this i: finished all the laundry, baked rainbow chocolate chip cookies, gingerbread cookies and spaghetti squash, cleaned all the counters, made baked potatoes, made homemade refried beans, cut the broccoli and celery into snack sizes for my boys, cleaned and cut the lettuce and package it - two types, diced tomatoes and onions for tacos and cooked the meat for the tacos and now for the first time since 6am i am sitting down and blogging! oh somewhere in there while doing everything else i logged onto skype for my kids to talk to their dad and i talked to him in passing as i sliced and packaged the breads i made! im tired now and need a break! haha! so ya - it is 5min to 1pm now and i am still doing ok with the fast i have just been drinking a lot which means i am sure i am totally water logged now but know what - im ok with that for now as i havent eaten anything and even when i was tempted for a min because of my middle son giving me issues and i was tired which wears me to b/p - i didnt cave and now i dont feel like it! yay! so i am in a pretty decent mood for now... i do need to clean off the piano though and then take the computer (which i call my box) back to my room so as the day passes i dont cave to any potential temptations!

RAINBOW CHOCOLATE CHIP AND GINGERBREAD COOKIES - MORE BAKING STILL!



i was also talking on yahoo to a really good friend and i pray she is ok as she is dealing with mia and severe depression - remember hun, i am always here for u online and via phone if u need to call!

WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS AND WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THIS SPECIAL BOND I CARE FOR U MY SPECIAL FRIEND!

lol its only been what 15 min but right now i am feeling a bit triggered - i love broccoli and the soup i made is calling me! but i think i can handle it though... its just that trigger from feeling tired and having to stay in here to finish baking... i think the piano and little table will have to wait or i might end up caving and honestly - that is no longer an option...

THIS IS THE CHAOS I STILL NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ORGANIZE! BOYS KEEP ADDING MORE AND MORE GONNA RUN OUTTA ROOM EVENTUALLY YOU KNOW!

my goal is to make the swf and do it again everyday as long as i fast - this should make things mive fast and i hope keep me cleaned out while i lose weight... i just have to remember my goals and i know i can do it! remember my longest was 21 days and i have challenged myself to beat this! score 1 - almost 2 (so far) for Ana and 0 for mia!

GOALS TO MAKE DEADLINES TO MEET!

DETERMINED AND PISSED!

ok so the lax did NOT do like they were supposed too! GRRRRR! i am pissed! i have been sick as shit all day i mean SICK! then i get a call from my case manager and guess what? my dr ont lift ip recommendations which means now my therapist prob wont see me! i am so pissed right now!

but guess what? it got my addrenaline rushing and i am so determined - even able to get up and get the computer to the bed and start doing stuff... idk yet maybe even zumba tonight - i am so gonna make this work! although i am sick and dizzy and lightheaded - right now i DONT CARE! its like tis - everyone else gave up on me when i had to make a choice - so guess what? ima SHOW THEM! im gonne be down... my dr apt is the 24th at 940 i have labs the 17th means if i work it right i can deff be under 100 by then! right now 114 - so im down 2 more and im fasting... i REFUSE to give in this time... mia can take a hike ima lose this weight and she doesnt see to wannahelp so fuck her and let ana come back! i will do water and green tea but this weekend will add some protein shakes so the labs come back good and will add some potassium supplements and all the other supplements as well - just to be sure i safe with labs... then after i do the labs - i can lax or whatever i feel the fuck like doing and i just dont care! if noone else cares or elieves in me why the fuck should i? i see no reason so ima do what i want and that means making my goal... first is 110 then 105 next 100 and then 95 yep - lower still i wanna get to 85 and have a bmi of 12.35! ill post more later maybe!
hope everyone else is having a better day and not being fucked like me - this sux... everyone thinks that my life can be fixed by forcing me ip to gain weight when all that does is set me off to lose it again when i get out! WORK ON THE OTHER STUFF then maybe the ed will be better!

I FEEL UR FRUSTRATIONS!!!!

so now it is like 510pm and honestly i am not even craving to b/p i want nothing to do with food or mia - she can take a fucking hike... im tired of her and ana is back - with a vengeance! i have gone 21 days on a fast before - ima beat that! i bet i can - go ahead challenge me! today is officially day 1 and im not giving up!

however - i am still super pissed and things have just gotten worse! now i got my fucking period too! 9 days early! wtf is that!

so now it is like almost 7pm- no mia or b/p in sight - yay! but i am so pissd! swear my life is so unfair right now! i had 16.9oz water then i had a drink a few minutes ago of powerade zero to swallow some water pills - helps keep bloating to a min after lax... anyway i weighed and its up! i am PISSED! this is NOT my day! i want it over RIGHT NOW! so adding to the already shitty day i get my period AND i go back up some! is this never gonna end! wel lets see ive made it through the first day - im not even tempted so i really hope and pray it goes down more tomorrrow... granted its only up a little but any amount up is very very bad in my book and with Ana!

I AM THE SLAVE AND THIS IS MY MASTER - ANA IS HER NAME AND I WILL DO AS SHE COMMANDS! LOSE THE WEIGHT FAT BITCH! YOU DISGUST ME!

guess im just ful of words tonight lol! so it is 735 now and im actually about to go to bed... however i have some pics to add yesterdays 116 - blech and today at 114...its getting there! my chest hurts and my stomach is in a knot...its making all sorts of period gurggly noises - i hate that its so uncomfortable! im scared to see what happens tomorrow with cramps if tonight when it barely started i was already doubled over...looks like maybe another bed day! oh well - i made it through day 1 of my fast!

ME 116 LAYING ON THE BED WITH KNEES UP - DISGUSTING FAT AND STRETCHMARKS! MAKES ME WANNA HURL!

ME 114 THIS AM - I LOOK SO GROSS - I HATE IT! BUT IM GETTING THERE!

SO THIS NEXT ONE IS COMPLETELY RANDOM BUT I LOVE MY KITTY AND HE MADE ME FEEL BETTER!

night ladies - have a good one! i just got a call from the school the boys school will be running 2 hrs late so that means we get to sleep in! whoot whoot!

blah day fell apart...

so the day turned to night and it sort of fell apart...what do i mean? well to start that burn in my stomach - i could not handle it and wound up bp on the soup i made my boys for dinner - it was healthy and quite good not to mention felt nice bcuz it was warm food... however - it ended me purging - i dont want anything in me  -N O T H I N G!!! ok so then after i purged - frustrated bcuz the weight is still up after it was low when i woke at 116.8 then i drank all that damn water and it made me so full that with everything else triggered me into well... bp and even after purging i guess all that liquid absorbed anyway and im stcuck at 119.0..... grrrrrr.... so i took lax - yep LOTS of em too - more than last time... not safe - nope, not healthy - nope but it works and i know it... i hav t make the day for ME and make myself really do the fast... i have to stop letting triggers get to me and make me do the opposite of what i want... i dont undestand it - it used to be so easy to just NOT eat... anything triggered me - i didnt eat... now it seems i eat drink sleep and poop nothing but food and food thoughts... i have fod nightmares and wake in the middle of the night for bp sessions - this HAS to end NOW!!! this is not cool... i found myself eating more and more and not purging in between is making it so i am stretching my gut and it looks disgusting... i cant do this nymore - i need to make myself stop - i have to get rid of the bloated gut and the swoleen face - i look like a damn elephant without a trunk!
u think its attractive - NO WAY! sorry - cant post face shots in case the wrong person finds this blog - just trust me on this one - its not pretty!

ok here we go again right?

well i took lax friday night - didnt work till sat morning! i was so pissed! then to make it worse - they barely worked - obv i didnt take enough i just thought wouldnt need as many since havent taken in a while... oh well im taking more tonight as my weight is 116 - NOT good enough! i am planning a certain number and just the thought gives me a headache but idk i may even take more... i am already prepping for it as i have taken potassium supplements... i also cut again today - that is 2x in less than a week - not good... i had stopped for a while and suddenly i am not caring - i just need the deserving punishment... so ya - thats how it goes... i was supposed to be fasting but i caved and ive b/p once today so i am hoping i can keep from doing again... either way - im still laxing as my hw is done so yay! ok i also got my new sketchers toneup fitness shoes... im posting a pic - they are silver and 2 shades of blue - its hard to see in the pic - sorry! im also posting my reebok simple tone and reebok easy tone pics... i love all my toning shoes and would recommend them all! i got my son some avia tone n motion shoes and a pr for me as well - he loves his says they make his legs burn when he wears em - so guess means they are working right? i havent tried mine yet so i will let u all know! i also have SEVERAL of the shapeups - like 9pr plus boots and a pr of tHe sandals -so yea i love em all!

REEBOK SIMPLE TONE

REEBOK EASY TONE

SKETCHERS TONE-UP FITNESS

 i got some special gifts for Christmas this year - i have failed to post about that! how dare i! ok so below is a pic of some bracelettes from a very special family member - they are from wwII! my hubby got me these awesome housecoat shawl things -2 of em... overcoats i think they are called... anyway you can wear them outside over your coats or i wear mine in the house - nice and warm and soft! now if only they had his scent on em they'd be perfect! so then i went shoppin and got me a new ANA ring and i made 2 new ANA bracelettes! yay! so yeah one of the bracelettes i made i posted before but the silver one i have yet to add so it is below as well...

SET OF BRACELETTES FROM WWII!

MY NEW ANA BRACELETTE I MADE!

so my stomach is KILLING me now! omg it is burning and turning and just hurts like i already took lax and ive not touched anything! grrrrr! i know it is my body fighting me so i dont take them - but if i dont tonight i will tomorrow so it doesnt matter! i am going to lose this weight THIS week! grrr hate mia she messes everything up for me! ok so well i guess thats all for now and if i feel up to it i may post more later... either way if my weight changes - ill post it!

last post today as im in bed...

ok so today ended very shitty... i bp more and i feel like crap.. i went to the gymn where i burned like 700+ cals but was so dizzy after that i bp on cottage cheese and then took 35lax... i know im going to be sick - i am already feeling it oh well...i wanna lose this weight and right now i am willing to do - well anything.

amendment (SI TRIGGERS)...

ok so well things have fallen to shit now...
i got the email from my casemanager and she said i need to go ip right now - i emailed back no. im not going. so fuck em all... noone wants to listen to me - its not the ed that needs working on - its ME in general! i need help learning to work with my feelings and emotions and i need to work through the past trauma and abuse... ive tried denying it and it just comes back hainting me ever more i cant take it anymore i want to be numb... i cant tell what i feel just that i dont like it and well i need to escape - so today i did... i showered and i cut... i bp before the shower on potatoes with sour cream and margarine, eggs with cheese and salsa, lil smokies with bbq and honey buns with chocolate frosting... i purged till my throat burned and my stomach ached... i am back to the weight of 118 as i was this am and i am planning to lax really hardcore tonight... yeah i know how bad it is - believe me i know... ive already begun the precautions of taking potassiu supps to get that up high enouh it wont be too bad... i also took another lipo 6x so thats 3 so far today... im stll feeling very triggered and like who gives a fuck just do it attitude but i also dont wanna give in to bp again... honestly i wanna fast from here on out but idk if it is gonna happen or not... my goal is this - noone seems to listen so ima show em all...
lose as much as i can as fast as possible.. i know how to do it and its dangerous but i can esily be under 100 by next weekend to the following wekk and thats what my plans r. i have company coming over tonight so there will be someone here if things take a turn for the worst but i dont think they will.. then again im not God so i have no idea what will happen.

this is my new ANA bracelette i made yesterday i have another as well... i will be posting alter as the pic is too fuzzy...

so i hope this one is not too triggering - i did put in the title though.. this is the cutting i did before i showered... this is also my fat stomach and i hate my body so much - wish i could cut it off!
btw this is 118.0

update!

so as i was posting - i got a phone call.. i hate the phone and never hardly answer but i knew the number was the therapist so i answered it... she scheduled me an apt for thursday at 1030am as long as i sign a contract to follow all treatment plans goals etc... well i told her i am not sure i can sign as my dr still wants me to go ip... she said she will schedule me in anyway and then call my dr and see what she says - please keep all fingers toes arms legs etc crossed she will tell her to see me and will not recommend hospital! i really need to see my therapist again... i have been so lost without her and i feel so alone... i canot even tell my emotions anymore unless i am trying to just become numb to ignore it all... anyway - so ya thats what happend!
oh i also made a poster - been saying i was going to do it and finally did! im going to put it up above my desk to reind me i must reach my goal before another person - a personal competition!