ok so well things have fallen to shit now...
i got the email from my casemanager and she said i need to go ip right now - i emailed back no. im not going. so fuck em all... noone wants to listen to me - its not the ed that needs working on - its ME in general! i need help learning to work with my feelings and emotions and i need to work through the past trauma and abuse... ive tried denying it and it just comes back hainting me ever more i cant take it anymore i want to be numb... i cant tell what i feel just that i dont like it and well i need to escape - so today i did... i showered and i cut... i bp before the shower on potatoes with sour cream and margarine, eggs with cheese and salsa, lil smokies with bbq and honey buns with chocolate frosting... i purged till my throat burned and my stomach ached... i am back to the weight of 118 as i was this am and i am planning to lax really hardcore tonight... yeah i know how bad it is - believe me i know... ive already begun the precautions of taking potassiu supps to get that up high enouh it wont be too bad... i also took another lipo 6x so thats 3 so far today... im stll feeling very triggered and like who gives a fuck just do it attitude but i also dont wanna give in to bp again... honestly i wanna fast from here on out but idk if it is gonna happen or not... my goal is this - noone seems to listen so ima show em all...
lose as much as i can as fast as possible.. i know how to do it and its dangerous but i can esily be under 100 by next weekend to the following wekk and thats what my plans r. i have company coming over tonight so there will be someone here if things take a turn for the worst but i dont think they will.. then again im not God so i have no idea what will happen.
btw this is 118.0
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