so far today...

well let me see it is nearly 3pm and so far today (dont wanna jinx it!) ive had about 8oz green tea and 5 sips of water... i woke this am with stomach ache from hell and SAS (sick as shit) as i had taken 75 lax lastnight...

YEP THIS IS THE NASTY PUPPIES I USE! THEY WORK BUT MAKE ME GAG JUST SEEING THE PIC!

gotta get this body flushed and cleaned out and back to th pre swf weight! its working but taking its time... last weight check was about 121.6 so i am hoping it will keep dropping... i know fasting means i should be drinking but im afraid of retaining as a result so im doing small amounts and took water pills im also taking some diet pills again here soon... this is the time of the day when i get the weakest with my ability to resist triggers - mostly because my boys get home and i have to deal with their behaviors and cook dinner... howver in a b/p lastnight i cooked the meals for tonight and tomorrow in advance! yay! so they have their choice of porkchops with white rice and either spinach or green beans tonight and potatoes with chicken n the other veggie tomorrow night... all good healthy homemade meals!

FOOD GUIDE FOR KIDS?

i was talking to a friend on my messenger and i was telling her how i always feel so shallow and like when i want to say something - it never seems to come out or its not what i meant to say... i used to says o much when i would journal but ive since lost touch with that part of me as well... i know i need to find that connection again but idk how? i was remembering crying... me cy? NOT! ok so i saw my therapist for the past 3 yrs and she saw me cry a total of 3x...yep thats it 3... once back in may 2008 when she told me i was being admitted that day - it was my 15 or 16 yr anniversary - i was so distraught! i dont think i was scared juts angry and frustrated...then the next time was this past summer...i cried when she said i was being admitted against my will (which didnt happen)... i was not scared - i was annoyed and frustrated that i wasnt getting a choice in the matter and had noone to help with my kids...thats when it was changed and i was given till the end of aug to get my weight and lab up... the third and final time was when i had my last appt with her... i was so upset - i worked a lot and hard with her...i felt so abandoned and defeated and i cried a little then i stopped... i refused to appear lost or weak... i refused to let them think they had broken me down and they would win sending me to another treatment... nope wasnt happeing and hasnt... so this being said - since then ive stopped journaling and occassionally im here blogging but i feel like ive lost touch...idk what i feel anymore with the exception of anything to do with weight or labs...

ALONE IN A CORNER THATS HOW I FEEL... IVE DRANW A SIMILAR IMAGE IN THE PAST...

i got up this am - back to this morning sorry for the long tanget!, anyway i took the boys to the bus and came home back to sleep... i was so exhausted and so litterally POOPED! lax are a killer but i gotta get this body flushed! i do feel a lot better as far as the cleaning me out goes - im not feeling so 'salty' as i was...so lesson learned SALT IS BAD!



SEA SALT IS BAD!!!!

i finally woke when i heard my messenger chime on my phone - it was hubby and he wanted tot alk... he said im always sleeping...well thats what he needs to know - doesnt know about the b/p thinks thats under control...i cant tell him otherwise - he will freak if he knows... ive gotta stop before he gets home! as im laying here talking to him on messenger my friend also logs in and we start talking - this is when i remember i have to go get my lab results...grrrr... means i gotta get up and get dressed - damn it all! i wanted a full on lazy day - stay in bed and sulk! ok not sulk so much but stay in bed - yes! i finally managed to climb out the bed weigh and dress and head downstairs... might as well get the rice cooking while im down here - less i gotta go down there the better! so i threw the rice in the cooker added olive oil and water turned it on and headed for the hospital to get labs... got there yay! no wait time but damn my guts hurt! hope the dr doest spot me she might make me come for a walkin as shitty as i look nd hunched over im walking... whew - got away clear - she didnt see me and thank fully the case manager works in a different building now so screw it - im not going to see her dont feel like it so why? there is the other thing... if my dr wont lift the recommendaton of ip then y even go see her? y even care? the only reason to keep going was to get that lifted to return to my therapist... she said last week she wont lift it so y even bother showing up? idk - im debating canceling it but gotta wait till sunday so can call the vm line and leave a message that way cant try to convince me i need to come or try to reschedule for anotehr day... anyway - we will see what i decide...
either way im planning full on fast (fingers crossed!) and then lax again sat night... i want to be as close to or under110 as possible... i feel like i might have a chance with full fast and lax again... since normally i drop about 7-10lbs from the lax (yah its mostly water weight but as much retention i have right now from the salt still - i dont care what it is - get it OFF!)... so if i lose a few from fasting say 3-5 and then 7-10 more from lax...going low end is 10lbs or so... might have a chance!

SO THIS IS IT RIGHT NOW - WHAT IM HAVGING TODAY!

BLENDED ICED COFFEE WITH SPLENDA, BENEFIBER AND MIRALAX... ALSO GREEN TEA BUT I DRANK THE LAST ONE ALREADY SO JUST TABLETS...

triggers - well let me say got thos labs and headed back to the van - bought had a shit fit! fuckers came back WORSE than before! wtf! i mean this makes NO SENSE! i have more fat on me right now and ive been b/p nonstop so something has to be in there doing something right! wrong! so my BUN came back really low - this is supposedly something that if it is too low shows the body doesnt have enough fat so the body is turning to muscles to feed itself... wtf! i have fat! but not according to this - it was a 5 and not cupposed to go under 7 but preffered 12! last check i was a 9! then there was a new one - the TBILI came back low... this one sort of scares me... i know it is somethng to do with like what makes u jaundice - i cant remember if that is liver or kidneys though so ya that worries me some...especially after the salt issue... maybe thats what caused it...hoping it will go back to normal... then there is the proteins again fuckers low again! this is pissing me off! i ean ive added meat back to my diet and it goes back down??? i just feel like i cant win! so the good thng? thank you supplements - my potassium (K) and magnesium were both up...magnesium was right on the line - like not supposed to be under 1.9 and mine was 1.9 but K is good - yay! of course i did b/p on potatoes and i also took extra K supps 2 hrs before the labs... the other concern i did have was that my blood sugar level was very close to low... after having b/p that close to blood drawn it should not have been so low - thats kind of scarey as that can lead to a lot of things but oh well.... not gonna let it get to me!

FUCKING BLOOD!

when i came home i took some water pills and finished the tea then layed back down... ive been in bed laying down since... now however i just picked up my room a bit and logged onto the laptop which requires me to sit or i cant type worth a shit!
boys got home... it was time to deal with the "can i go outside"s and "i wanna play the xbox" "its my turn!" and and well you get it - so ya all the triggers...but no caving this time! honestly i feel less triggered right now - maybe because im actually doing something idk but it doesnt much matter - i just wanna make this work! I wanna take a shower and shave my hairy logs for legs but i feel a few things - too lazy and too tempted to cut... so i guess thats another day right? no biggie... the thing is those triggers - when i feel like cutting sometimes the only way to get rid of that is to either do it or to b/p so im trying hard to ignore and just stay strong... i have a magazine here i think i wanna look at and maybe work on some latch hook... i know i want to also look up intervention and  see if any new ones ive not seen before... so for now i think i will close this...maybe also print my article for my final and have my oldest bring to me... i can get a start on that so laxing wont be such a bad choice this weekend...lates!

OK WELL ITS LATER!
i feel so damn triggered! i made the iced coffee in the pic above - added so much ice it made 2 full 28oz shaker cups! i feel triggered while drinking it like its going to make me gain so much weight! im freaking out and i really wanna cave and just go down and b/p on chicken and rice! i really hate purging rice though! makes my throat so sore and its hard to get up - gonna try so hard not cave in! make it till 5pm then remember no food 3hrs before bed and im in bed at 8 tonight! so i can do this no matter how hard or much i wanna cave! i need strength!
this is a reminder of Y i have to make this work! i do not wanna keep looking like this!

MY STOMACH SO FAT AND DISTENDED AND GROSS...121 AND DROPPING I HOPE!

for those who are interested also - my legs are still grossly fat and measure 16.5" here are some pics from lastnight...

YES SAME TIME AND PLACE JUST TURNED IN THE LIGHT TRYING TO TAKE PICS - THE BATHROOM AT THE OFFICE WAS SMALL AND HARD TO TAKE GOOD PICS...THE LAS ONE WAS REALLY DARK FOR SOME REASON SO I HAD TO CROP WITH THE COMPUTER TO LIGHTEN IT SOME...