i just dont understand...

why this is so hard? y is giving up mia such a challenge? how did she ever get this tight grip and y on earth did i give it to her? i sit here in the perils of my thoughts - i have so much to say yet nothing i want to say actually comes out... all i can sem to find to put to words is my frustration at mia - am i really that shallow? is that really all i am anymore - bulimia? here to just eat and purge constantly? i think not - there has to be more!
so last night as i was closing down the computer to go to bed, i had taken some water pills for the massive swelling that seems it was coming back - grrr! i shut down and lifted the laptop from the table and suddenly it was this weird feeling - i thought i was having another seizure! i was scared because that is the only thing i remember about the seizure - what i was doing right before and the sudden strange feeling came over me and then waking on the gurney as im being wheeled into the er with blood covering me andthem screaming questions at me - i dont want that again EVER! so i set the laptop down a second and stood there trying to get this odd eery feeling to go away... i cant really even explain whwat it was... it didnt hurt. i felt sort of lightheaded, double - sighted, dizzy and like i was being squeezed into a place 10x too small for me... i could breathe fine and i didnt hurt anywhere - i just didnt like the feeling and i was ready to go to bed so i did. screw the hw for lastnight - it didnt get done, not the paper anyway. instead all i did was read the threads on fgg, ate the leftovers from the dinner night before - the casserole thingy, did the dq part of classwork and then a small blog on here the rest of the time was spent cooking and b/p... what a night and i was glad when it was all over...

OK SO WHAT IS IT? THIS IS RICE, EDEMAME BEANS, BUTTER BEANS, GREEN BEANS, SPINACH, CHICKEM BACON, POTATOES, TOMATOES, ONIONS AND CHEESE ALL COOKED IN THE CROCKPOT THEN BAKED IN THE OVEN TO MELT THE CHEESE ON TOP, I ALSO ADDED SOUR CREAM TO MINE. THE POINT OF THE PIC IS THE PITCHER IN THE PIC IS 2QT PIC SO U CAN SEE WHAT WAS LEFT FOR MY B/P.

i went to bed - i had a bottle of the cleanse ready and planned to drink throughout the night... well i took the miralax before i went to bed and i only woke 2 times to pee lastnight - the rest of the night was spent tossing and turning and fighting with boys over space in the bed and there was some sleeping in there too... i drank a bit of the cleanse - maybe half the regular daily amount... i just prepared the cleanse for today, already took miralax and diet pills and im doing this! its 11 and i feel ok. i feel like i will be challenged tonight when i serve the boys dinner - but at least it is prepped and all they have to do is heat n serve! i made homemade spaghetti with meatballs and homemade texas style cheesey french bread - they ate most the bread yesterday but there is a little left... at least it didnt go to waste right!
so on top of making this, i made some meatballs in the microwave and slathered with bbq which my 11 yr old and i ate for a 'snack' for me was a b/p... i also then ate the homemade (hm) mac n cheese bake which also had broccoli in it... there were no left overs and no real complaints other than i thought we were having spaghetti! lol... oh well they can have it tonight im sorry it wasnt quite done!
i also finished baking the sugar cookies which i also b/p on... man yesterday was an aweful day for b/p: ma n cheese with broccoli bake, meatballs with bbq sauce, sugar cookies frosted and unfrosted, a poptart, bowl of honey bunches of oats with almonds topped with vanilla light yogurt, low sugar apple juice, chicken with cheese, ham, eggs with cheese, salsa and sour cream...i belive that was everything - it was a full on b/p day time after time i was purging...oh i also had a bosc pear somewhere in there...

SO HERE ARE THE SUGAR COOKIES... THEY WERE WARM SOFT AND TASTY AND A WONDERFUL END TO A B/P GRRRR!

SEE THE INDENT ON MY CALF? U CAN SEE THE AMOUNT OF SWELLING STILL THERE... TONIGHT IS ANOTHER LAX NIGHT I THINK I HAVE TO GET THIS GONE!

no more - ive got to find my way out of the perils of mia's grip...i have to do it without the help of professionals - prove to them i can do it and dont need ip - even though deep in my heart i know thats the push i need... i wont jump off this train - it is moving way to fast and im way too scared - it will take a hefty shove to get me off and in the right direction with therapy and ip...
i was online looking at some ed sites though... the first place i went for treatment as an adult, was in 2004 nov - the day before Thanksgiving i was admitted to the psychward to stabalize then sent to what was then known as EDC-Denver... well the dr there has since moved to his own new facility as some ladies who were at the center actually died as a result of malpractice and the dr was livid for people ignoring his medical advice - so he left and opened a new center with the other top dr in the nation... anyway - i looked at their staff pics yesterday and it brought back a lot of unpleasant memories of treatment! however one thing that really caught my attention was their philosophy... is says something to ths effect:
recovering from an ed is more than going off to some luxuious place and being handed healthy meals to replenish a malnourished body, it involves wok and learning what is the root of the issue - the food is only the beginning... there was more and thats not exact - but wow! this is exactly what i have been saying and NOONE will listen to me! y! i just want someone to understand - ok they cant but they can try to relate to what im going thrugh and try to relate with how i feel and try to help me work through this without forcing the food down my throat! help me get to the root of these damn issues and really learn about who i am and try to figure out how to be that person - try to have a life for and with my family and myself... anyway - i feel as though im rambling - i feel hypomania coming on - good and bad seeing as i HAVE to get this damn paper done! i dont really have time to be hypo manic!
actually right now i am also feeling so alone and lost... i really wish i had someone here to talk to - i have noone... it is literally me and my boys when they are not at school and well as much as i love them - this is not for them to learn about or discuss not right now... so i am stuck in my house....i have no friends and no family... i have some online buddies who i wouldnt trade for anything but sometimes even with them i just feel like they dont get it - i know noone ever really can but idk i just feel so alone and like it just doesnt matter... how do i explain this???? it feels like what i have been going through - its so new for so many other people and for me its like and? so its no big deal but wih them it is a huge thing and they are trying to work through it on their end and im here living it on my end for several years - not just 1 or 2 or even 3 but try more than 30! it feels like i have no other existence other than to live as an ed and i dont want that... some days i totally appreciate and am in love with ana and other days i wish she would go the hell away! then there is mia - wow... i hate her so much yet i cant seem to be without her... i would so like to leave her in the throws of my past but it seems she is as much a part of me as i am - so how on earth do i ever escape that? if i cant escape me then i suppose i will never escape her and that is very very unsettling!

THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY - I AM TRYING TO NOT CAVE TODAY BUT IT IS HARD WITH NOONE AROUND TO TALK TO AND IM TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE ALONE!

i will post more through the day i think - if i feel up to it...i just wanted t submit a post to kind of fill u all in... i hae failed the challenge i put myself up too but i am starting fresh so here goes!