i feel like an unpopular Brittany Spears...

shold i say it - oops i did it again.... ugh - yep i did... i b/p again when i got very triggered tonight... so after i blogged i was researchng and doing fine drinking my green tea etc... then i for some reason got it in my head i needed toweigh and so well i did - BIG MISTAKE... totally set me off... triggered the shit outta me and i ended up b/p on chicken with cheese n hot sauce and some donuts... yep nice... i used some iced coffee and some oj to wash it all down and then to bring it all up... i ended up purging 3lbs of what was in there when i weighed cuz i was back down - thank God! so ya - i gotta get past this damn ocd of needing to weigh all the time - if i didnt do that i would have still been doing well... so i started my fast AGAIN and i hope for the last time! it started at 8pm... i just rounded the time up and so far i had soe miralax and a diet pill to just get me going... if this weight doesnt shift downward soon - idk what ima do! i am liable to do just about anything from lax to cutting it off! i am so disgusted with it! so ya - thats how this evening has changed... not a good way to go...
ive done the research for this paper and well gotten as far as creating a file and the title page... ive not written anything because honestly i am very confused with it all! i feel like i need to go to bed, get up in the am and conquer it fresh and new with a new brain so to speak... just reopen the mind and try to focus again... so ya its gonna be a little late but i would rather submit it late and understand as well as get a good grade rahter than risk not getting a good grade and not understanding it either... so ya - thats the plan...
hmmm... well my youngest son is feeling a bit better which is a good thing... maybe he will get some sleep and not be coughing so much... he didnt need the cough meds but once today which is way better and i like that... i hate when my babies are sick! it is the most triggering thing to worry about a child and whether he can breath or not!
i amreally tired tonight yet i am not sleepy - idk if that makes any sense at all - but i hope when i take this melatonin it will make me sleep and it will be a peaceful sleep - not a restless forced one... those r the worst cuz then i wae with massive headache, cranky and unrested even though i slept...
i am hoping i will be able to talk to my hubby in the morning... his internet payment was due today but of course his card didnt work it should work in the morning i hope... i also really hope the tax money is there like it is supposed to be on friday...i have a lot that needs to be done with that to start with fixing the car so we have it when he comes home... i wish r friend would come over and we could take it to get worked on... he was supposed to come over 2 weeks ago on thursday to take it to the shop but he didnt call and didnt show... i hope i dont have to have it towed - that will suck cuz thats exspensive too...ugh...
so ok - well i dont feel like looking for or taking pics tonight for today's blogs so they will just be boring worded posts - hope it doesnt bother anyone who might be reading this... guess it really doesnt matter as i tend to just blog for myself anyway - gotta get these thoughts out so i can clear this crowded head and hopefully get some clear thoughts in there and function better! also so i can focus and get some school work done when it matters most!
night