blah day fell apart...

so the day turned to night and it sort of fell apart...what do i mean? well to start that burn in my stomach - i could not handle it and wound up bp on the soup i made my boys for dinner - it was healthy and quite good not to mention felt nice bcuz it was warm food... however - it ended me purging - i dont want anything in me  -N O T H I N G!!! ok so then after i purged - frustrated bcuz the weight is still up after it was low when i woke at 116.8 then i drank all that damn water and it made me so full that with everything else triggered me into well... bp and even after purging i guess all that liquid absorbed anyway and im stcuck at 119.0..... grrrrrr.... so i took lax - yep LOTS of em too - more than last time... not safe - nope, not healthy - nope but it works and i know it... i hav t make the day for ME and make myself really do the fast... i have to stop letting triggers get to me and make me do the opposite of what i want... i dont undestand it - it used to be so easy to just NOT eat... anything triggered me - i didnt eat... now it seems i eat drink sleep and poop nothing but food and food thoughts... i have fod nightmares and wake in the middle of the night for bp sessions - this HAS to end NOW!!! this is not cool... i found myself eating more and more and not purging in between is making it so i am stretching my gut and it looks disgusting... i cant do this nymore - i need to make myself stop - i have to get rid of the bloated gut and the swoleen face - i look like a damn elephant without a trunk!
u think its attractive - NO WAY! sorry - cant post face shots in case the wrong person finds this blog - just trust me on this one - its not pretty!