journey on...: PLEASE!!!! let me win for once!!!

im so tired of failure...it really sux...ive done things in my life im not proud of but one thing i would like to do and be proud of is to say i have a nice body with no added fat or disgustingness - help!
so i took the lax lastnight after i ended up bp a total of i think 3x maybe only 2 - i dont remember now... anyway i was sick as shit halfway through the night... puking and shittinmy guts out - it was aweful! and what made it worse - my shower hose had a hole init so couldnt even take a shower to help with the cramping! i was so miserable but deserved it all...

SO FAT AND DISGUSTING! 115LBS

today im fighting... today im @ 115 but i have been drinking a bit of powerade zero and it went up to 116 - grrrr! i took water pills and diet pills and green tea tablets with some kelp tablet - i really hope this makes it all GO AWAY! im not expecting 111 tomorrow now - nope that was wishful thinking but come on! 114 at least or 113???

THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME!

ive done leg lifts - so far 200 each leg and 200 crunches... the leg lifts were easy - i have very strong legs - the crunches about killed me! not because im outta shape - because of the abuse of lastnights lax for the stomach howeve my lowerback - the bones from what is that the pelvis i guess? rub the floor when i do crunches or situps and it really hurts! not to mention the tailbone developing blisters from the friction and the shoulder blade and spine bruising as i do more and more... it doesnt matter i plan to get at least 200 more in today...

i went to the store and spent $ i didnt have - i had to get milk, cheese, sour cream etc plus a new shower head! i have to be able to shower! i then went to the other store and bought chicken, ham, cereal, ice cream, bananas, ricotta, ready made heat n eat mac n cheese n lasagna, some stuffed chicken patties, 2 bags mini donuts, all stuff i know is pretty healthy and decent for my boys - i dont plan to eat any of it... so far ive baked some of the chicken and have the rest in the crock - the smell is tantilizing and tormenting my tastebuds - but im fighting... i dont wanna blow this and i need the weight low! i cant go to this apt tomorrow higher weight and let the dr think she won with me gaining weight! fucking period has me so damn bloated - i know if i didnt get it i could have easily been less than 111! grrrr.... so its ok - ill be there i just have to keep going and not give up!

NOONE IN THE AY BUT ME NOW - SO MAKE THE GOALS HAPPEN!

i need to give up with mia... she isnt helping me - she only makes me more more miserable - resorting to things i just dont want to do... lax, purging over or excessive exercise... i just wanna be with ana now... please help me fast for a bit then i can sowly go back to restricting - right? i looked at foods i used to deem as safe - cottage cheese non-fat 70cals a serve, apples cut into bite sizes with a butter knife and sprinkled with cinnamon, small lettuce salad with 2 grape tomatoes 30cals, some low-fat yogurt like dannon light n fit - 80 cals a serve... these were my safe foods... unlimited green tea.... not anymore - now everything is a damn trigger and unsafe... it all makes me gain... i even find myself drinking water and purging it because i just cant stand anything in there! worse yet - i have found my body rejecting everything lately... i eat something and i best be damn near a bathroom! i dont seem to need help getting anything up either.. some of the worst foods to b/p on - donuts, pancakes and pizza... this week i ate them all and know what - it came up so easy! i didnt need extra liquid and i never need a finger anyway.. just bent and it all came up till it was acid then nothing... empty.

AND NOW...

NOTHING IS SAFE ANYMORE - IT IS ALL POISON!

a bit ago my son connected my new showerhead and i took a warm shower... relaxed a bit and got out... drank some water - bout hurled! it tastes so nasty! i hate water an trying to make myself drink anything - its not working... i dont want anything and so my taste buds (which r burned to hello now from lastnights puking) well... my body just says no....my head say yes u need it - nope. doesnt matter - i cant... i do not want it... even if i do need it....

YAY NEW DOUBLE SHOWER HEAD!!

i bought my movie - i really wanted to see 'salt' with Jolie in it - sh is such a thinspiration... its on in the player now as i do thi blog - but im just listenin - ill have to replay it and really watch it later - i just cant focus right now... need to clear this damn mind so i dont cave in! seems rediculous seeing as i have NO enery but it doesnt matter - i dont want to give in to mia's temptations so instead i am just doing anything and everything to stay busy - keep hands moving and clear the mind!

i wanna try to do the zumba on wii tonight - i just gotta get the energy! i think i will be abel too - idk yet - those stairs about killed me a bit ago!

THIS IS SO POPULAR MOST STORES CANT KEEP IT IN STOCK! CANT AIT TO TRY IT WHEN I HAVE THE ENERGY!

i have to get into my class and verify that my assignment for the team is ok and get it turned in - problem? my team mates have not aproved it or made changes yet! i hate waiting for people! so frustrating when i have done what i was supposed to now i have to wait for them to say yes or no...

WAITING IS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS!

talking to some friends through text messaging and also through yahoo im - it really helps but sometimes i wish they could be inside my head and really know what i am thinking and we could all process it together - that would be so helpful! at the same time however - im glad people cant do that because some people i do not want to know what is going on in there - that could be very bad! ouch! imagine if dr or therapist could see whats really in there! omg i would be in so much trouble if they knew about lax and diet pills etc... not a good thing at all! so maybe we choose who can read and see whats going on - ya that would work!

FOR MY SPECIAL FRIENDS:

AND THESE GUYS JUST SAY IT ALL!

lets see it is now 615 pm and the cravings r here and im fighting... what makes it all worse is the gugrggling in my lower gut and the smell of the food throughout the house...grrrr... and even more? im sitting here watching Salt and blogging and reading threads on fgg and talking to friends and my hair i just faling out into my lap... it makes me wanna cry! my hair used to be so thick n full - a single pony holder couldnt keep it i had to section into 3-4 ponies...now one just doesnt stay in unless i like almost tie my hair around it! it really bites! im trying so hard and no matter which way i go - it seems there is no win for me...

i didnt do the zumba - im just too tired... im still trying to force this bottle of water - its in the fridge maybe super cold ill be abl to drink it? idk i ma just have the green tea instead... its good and boosts metabolism so y not right? ugh... weight thats why! weight ALWAYS is the reason! im did some more crunches - 200 more and 100 leg lifts on each side... at least i did something effective for myself i guess! ive not had a headache most the day but it is coming on now and i think it is mia trying to fuck with me - damn head games again! grrrr! well guess what - she is NOT getting me this time! i have to be strong as i have a weight check and last thing i want is to be even higher!