well lets see i failed AGAIN

so did i really fail? YES. starting off from when i last posted here i didnt manage to blog or journal since - i just didnt get myself to that point where i cared to write my words or try to discover how i was feeling...instead i gave in epically to mia and jyst let her have my days... another words NOTHING has been done lately on my to-do lists grrr....
ok today however is different - so far. i tend to try to NOT post early as then if i do something different an ammendment is then needed and i hate lieing to myself or changing what i have done vs what i have said i want to do - however, i am trying something different today so we shall see if it works!
i got up this am after yesterday was the WORST day so far this yr. i mean emotionally, and with mia as well as issues with my middle son... it was just aweful and i gave the day to mia - i could not do it and i honestly just didnt feel like fighting. however, i did call my therapist whom i was seeing before and i left a message for her to call me back. i really want and need to go back - whether she will see me again is another story. since my Dr has still the recommendation in for inpatient (ip) treatment, she said before unless that was lifted or i went - she could not see me. idk whether she will call me back - i know if i were her i would be happy to have me gone! good ridence! i wish i could be completely free of me! wow - that would be awesome!
so anyway - back to today sorry i have not been taking my bipolar meds either so i am a little weird today and borderline manic i am afraid... so when i got up this am i weighed - still 118 and then i got myself together to take the boys to the bus. i decided i was going to just stay in pj pants and a tshirt so i could come back to bed when i got home and hopefully avoid mia - she was very much taunting me this am... i was totally craving to bp on eggs with cheese - i also want to go back to being vegan so i am really fighting it... so i went down and i made an iced coffee - coffee, splenda and chia seed x2 servings (50 cals) no protein shake this am.... i put some in my shaker cup and the rest in a regular cup to eat with a spoon and took the boys to the bus stop. when  got home i brought the shaker to my room and put the other cup in the sink and layed down to try and sleep. seeing as i had taken 2 of my lipo 6x tablets prior to going downstairs - trying to relax and sleep was a challenge and i was just in a dazey sleep but i was able to avoid the kitchen altogether and not give in to mia - yet. i am hoping this will conitnue as i really do not want to give in... i need to make it through day 1. i make it through day 1 and i know from there it is much easier for me to just fast - well sort of fast. i plan to just do chia seeds and protein shakes so i am not sure if that is really fasting or not? it would be 55-80 cals a cerving if i add the chia and protein shake mix otherwise the chia seed is 25 cals a serving  -it is awesome for you though and really makes me feel full and i do not need to eat...so i am considering it a fast...
i emailed my case manager - i really did not want too but i know i have to get labwork done the 17th - ish and then my dr wants to see me within 2 days of that. i plan to have this weight down by next week - in fact i plan to have it down this weekend. for me if i use lax my weight goes down but if i use over and over i gain it all back... so the plan is i will use tonight - i know it will make me super sick but i do not care... i also know my weight will then be considerably lower and as long as i am careful - it will continue to drop from there... my plan and goal - 100 by the 19th-ish weight check and 95 or less by the 1st... i do not currently really have an ugw... i would like to make 95. once i get there i will see if i am happy or decide if it needs to go down further... the sad thing is logically know it wont be god enough and i will need it to go down...i also am aware this will be a dangerous weight for me but i feel like i can maintain lower and be ok if i try to at least do the shakes and chia seeds... they are loaded with energy and proteins and fiber and antioxidants as well as omegas and tons of other stuff... so yeah - thats the plan right now...
school is going ok i guess.... this weeks topic? eating disorders... and let me tell you about this other woman in my class... she seems to think she knows everything - she has been a know it all in the past 3 classes and im getting annoyed with her...she posted a response to my post about eating disorders saying somethings i said can not be classified together - well i put her in her place! the class is aware of my my ed as i have posted about it because of being AMA and all that - the mates need to know so if it happens then i have let them know and wont leave them hanging... anyway - i really despise when people try to know more especially when they have never had the experience nor are they dealing with the issue...it is so frustrating...