so the day turned to night and it sort of fell apart...what do i mean? well to start that burn in my stomach - i could not handle it and wound up bp on the soup i made my boys for dinner - it was healthy and quite good not to mention felt nice bcuz it was warm food... however - it ended me purging - i dont want anything in me -N O T H I N G!!! ok so then after i purged - frustrated bcuz the weight is still up after it was low when i woke at 116.8 then i drank all that damn water and it made me so full that with everything else triggered me into well... bp and even after purging i guess all that liquid absorbed anyway and im stcuck at 119.0..... grrrrrr.... so i took lax - yep LOTS of em too - more than last time... not safe - nope, not healthy - nope but it works and i know it... i hav t make the day for ME and make myself really do the fast... i have to stop letting triggers get to me and make me do the opposite of what i want... i dont undestand it - it used to be so easy to just NOT eat... anything triggered me - i didnt eat... now it seems i eat drink sleep and poop nothing but food and food thoughts... i have fod nightmares and wake in the middle of the night for bp sessions - this HAS to end NOW!!! this is not cool... i found myself eating more and more and not purging in between is making it so i am stretching my gut and it looks disgusting... i cant do this nymore - i need to make myself stop - i have to get rid of the bloated gut and the swoleen face - i look like a damn elephant without a trunk!
u think its attractive - NO WAY! sorry - cant post face shots in case the wrong person finds this blog - just trust me on this one - its not pretty!
Sunday, January 09, 2011
blah day fell apart...
ok here we go again right?
Friday, January 07, 2011
last post today as im in bed...
ok so today ended very shitty... i bp more and i feel like crap.. i went to the gymn where i burned like 700+ cals but was so dizzy after that i bp on cottage cheese and then took 35lax... i know im going to be sick - i am already feeling it oh well...i wanna lose this weight and right now i am willing to do - well anything.
amendment (SI TRIGGERS)...
ok so well things have fallen to shit now...
i got the email from my casemanager and she said i need to go ip right now - i emailed back no. im not going. so fuck em all... noone wants to listen to me - its not the ed that needs working on - its ME in general! i need help learning to work with my feelings and emotions and i need to work through the past trauma and abuse... ive tried denying it and it just comes back hainting me ever more i cant take it anymore i want to be numb... i cant tell what i feel just that i dont like it and well i need to escape - so today i did... i showered and i cut... i bp before the shower on potatoes with sour cream and margarine, eggs with cheese and salsa, lil smokies with bbq and honey buns with chocolate frosting... i purged till my throat burned and my stomach ached... i am back to the weight of 118 as i was this am and i am planning to lax really hardcore tonight... yeah i know how bad it is - believe me i know... ive already begun the precautions of taking potassiu supps to get that up high enouh it wont be too bad... i also took another lipo 6x so thats 3 so far today... im stll feeling very triggered and like who gives a fuck just do it attitude but i also dont wanna give in to bp again... honestly i wanna fast from here on out but idk if it is gonna happen or not... my goal is this - noone seems to listen so ima show em all...
lose as much as i can as fast as possible.. i know how to do it and its dangerous but i can esily be under 100 by next weekend to the following wekk and thats what my plans r. i have company coming over tonight so there will be someone here if things take a turn for the worst but i dont think they will.. then again im not God so i have no idea what will happen.
btw this is 118.0
update!
so as i was posting - i got a phone call.. i hate the phone and never hardly answer but i knew the number was the therapist so i answered it... she scheduled me an apt for thursday at 1030am as long as i sign a contract to follow all treatment plans goals etc... well i told her i am not sure i can sign as my dr still wants me to go ip... she said she will schedule me in anyway and then call my dr and see what she says - please keep all fingers toes arms legs etc crossed she will tell her to see me and will not recommend hospital! i really need to see my therapist again... i have been so lost without her and i feel so alone... i canot even tell my emotions anymore unless i am trying to just become numb to ignore it all... anyway - so ya thats what happend!
oh i also made a poster - been saying i was going to do it and finally did! im going to put it up above my desk to reind me i must reach my goal before another person - a personal competition!
well lets see i failed AGAIN
so did i really fail? YES. starting off from when i last posted here i didnt manage to blog or journal since - i just didnt get myself to that point where i cared to write my words or try to discover how i was feeling...instead i gave in epically to mia and jyst let her have my days... another words NOTHING has been done lately on my to-do lists grrr....
ok today however is different - so far. i tend to try to NOT post early as then if i do something different an ammendment is then needed and i hate lieing to myself or changing what i have done vs what i have said i want to do - however, i am trying something different today so we shall see if it works!
i got up this am after yesterday was the WORST day so far this yr. i mean emotionally, and with mia as well as issues with my middle son... it was just aweful and i gave the day to mia - i could not do it and i honestly just didnt feel like fighting. however, i did call my therapist whom i was seeing before and i left a message for her to call me back. i really want and need to go back - whether she will see me again is another story. since my Dr has still the recommendation in for inpatient (ip) treatment, she said before unless that was lifted or i went - she could not see me. idk whether she will call me back - i know if i were her i would be happy to have me gone! good ridence! i wish i could be completely free of me! wow - that would be awesome!
so anyway - back to today sorry i have not been taking my bipolar meds either so i am a little weird today and borderline manic i am afraid... so when i got up this am i weighed - still 118 and then i got myself together to take the boys to the bus. i decided i was going to just stay in pj pants and a tshirt so i could come back to bed when i got home and hopefully avoid mia - she was very much taunting me this am... i was totally craving to bp on eggs with cheese - i also want to go back to being vegan so i am really fighting it... so i went down and i made an iced coffee - coffee, splenda and chia seed x2 servings (50 cals) no protein shake this am.... i put some in my shaker cup and the rest in a regular cup to eat with a spoon and took the boys to the bus stop. when got home i brought the shaker to my room and put the other cup in the sink and layed down to try and sleep. seeing as i had taken 2 of my lipo 6x tablets prior to going downstairs - trying to relax and sleep was a challenge and i was just in a dazey sleep but i was able to avoid the kitchen altogether and not give in to mia - yet. i am hoping this will conitnue as i really do not want to give in... i need to make it through day 1. i make it through day 1 and i know from there it is much easier for me to just fast - well sort of fast. i plan to just do chia seeds and protein shakes so i am not sure if that is really fasting or not? it would be 55-80 cals a cerving if i add the chia and protein shake mix otherwise the chia seed is 25 cals a serving -it is awesome for you though and really makes me feel full and i do not need to eat...so i am considering it a fast...
i emailed my case manager - i really did not want too but i know i have to get labwork done the 17th - ish and then my dr wants to see me within 2 days of that. i plan to have this weight down by next week - in fact i plan to have it down this weekend. for me if i use lax my weight goes down but if i use over and over i gain it all back... so the plan is i will use tonight - i know it will make me super sick but i do not care... i also know my weight will then be considerably lower and as long as i am careful - it will continue to drop from there... my plan and goal - 100 by the 19th-ish weight check and 95 or less by the 1st... i do not currently really have an ugw... i would like to make 95. once i get there i will see if i am happy or decide if it needs to go down further... the sad thing is logically know it wont be god enough and i will need it to go down...i also am aware this will be a dangerous weight for me but i feel like i can maintain lower and be ok if i try to at least do the shakes and chia seeds... they are loaded with energy and proteins and fiber and antioxidants as well as omegas and tons of other stuff... so yeah - thats the plan right now...
school is going ok i guess.... this weeks topic? eating disorders... and let me tell you about this other woman in my class... she seems to think she knows everything - she has been a know it all in the past 3 classes and im getting annoyed with her...she posted a response to my post about eating disorders saying somethings i said can not be classified together - well i put her in her place! the class is aware of my my ed as i have posted about it because of being AMA and all that - the mates need to know so if it happens then i have let them know and wont leave them hanging... anyway - i really despise when people try to know more especially when they have never had the experience nor are they dealing with the issue...it is so frustrating...
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
happy (?) New Year a little belated! Jan 5, 2011
so i am officially DISGUSTED! i had gotten all the way down to 106lbs back in early Nov 2010. i went to the dr so i water logged to 'cover my arse' and weighed in at 111... well after that the weight only went back down to 108 - i figure it was cuz the loss was partialy from lax...so i tried to lose it with trying to give up mia and instead all that happened was it went up - up - up! i got my period and it kept going UP! it went to 129! i finally got it o start going down...on Jan 1 i was 123.4 GROSS! SO ANGRY! well i got these new diet pills called 'Lipo 6x' i took the first one and i felt great - didnt wanna eat nothing - was so happy! well then it wore off, i was not able to take another cuz i was out the house and ended up bp - but hey i knew they worked! so... i took the next day but again was out - decided i needed to buy another bottle for in the van! well as of today i am 117.8! so ya they are working and its going down - but not fast enough! i also bought the second bottle yesterday bcuz all the out the house ive been doing i just havent managed to take the other doses resulting in bp... except yesterday... well yesterday was WAY triggering by crap that happened at my husbands base in Iraq... needless to say nothing stopped the need to bp so i did and once i did it was like oh well ill d it again bcuz it doesnt matter... then when i did i didnt get everything out bcuz my mom called and kept talking and talking and talking... so i decided to do it again... i did and i felt better but pissed! so i went to bed at 9pm...well at 1122pm i woke and couldnt go back to sleep so i got up and went downstairs - i wanted to bp but i resisted! yay! i actually started cleaning the kitchen instead - i mean DEEP cleaing as in toothbrush scrubbing! i was cleaning until 2am when i was so exhausted my yes wouldnt stay open so i came to bed and slept til 6am... this was time to get the boys up for school...so i got em up and got dressed and went and made waffles... i made 24 waffles and they r ready for storing in the freeze... im about to head down to make muffins, banana bread, pumpkin bread, rice, more baked potatoes and green bean casserole... some more cookies too... the boys will be set for a few days with foods that r good, healthy choices... so i feel ok... so far today ive had two tablets and a sip of iced coffee... im about to also make my protein/chia seed shake (80cals) iced so ti takes a long while to eat it... i really want to make it through today - NO purging!
i usually do not make resolutions - except to lose weight but this year i have a few other goals i KNOW right now i want to achieve - so here is my list...
Resolution 2011:
- blog/journal EVERYDAY
- keep food journal starting from today 5 jan 2011- be honest and write EVERYTHING in it even if its embarrassing!
- submit photos of my binges on this blog to see what i am doing to myself and help me stop!
- make 95lbs by feb 1
- STOP mia!!!!
- stay off lax
- keep grades up to A avg
- get out of debt
- keep checking account at a + balance and start saving
- be 100% honest with my hubby - even if its hard
So my plan and goal for today is to post more later... we shall see what happens!
