i just dont understand...

why this is so hard? y is giving up mia such a challenge? how did she ever get this tight grip and y on earth did i give it to her? i sit here in the perils of my thoughts - i have so much to say yet nothing i want to say actually comes out... all i can sem to find to put to words is my frustration at mia - am i really that shallow? is that really all i am anymore - bulimia? here to just eat and purge constantly? i think not - there has to be more!
so last night as i was closing down the computer to go to bed, i had taken some water pills for the massive swelling that seems it was coming back - grrr! i shut down and lifted the laptop from the table and suddenly it was this weird feeling - i thought i was having another seizure! i was scared because that is the only thing i remember about the seizure - what i was doing right before and the sudden strange feeling came over me and then waking on the gurney as im being wheeled into the er with blood covering me andthem screaming questions at me - i dont want that again EVER! so i set the laptop down a second and stood there trying to get this odd eery feeling to go away... i cant really even explain whwat it was... it didnt hurt. i felt sort of lightheaded, double - sighted, dizzy and like i was being squeezed into a place 10x too small for me... i could breathe fine and i didnt hurt anywhere - i just didnt like the feeling and i was ready to go to bed so i did. screw the hw for lastnight - it didnt get done, not the paper anyway. instead all i did was read the threads on fgg, ate the leftovers from the dinner night before - the casserole thingy, did the dq part of classwork and then a small blog on here the rest of the time was spent cooking and b/p... what a night and i was glad when it was all over...

OK SO WHAT IS IT? THIS IS RICE, EDEMAME BEANS, BUTTER BEANS, GREEN BEANS, SPINACH, CHICKEM BACON, POTATOES, TOMATOES, ONIONS AND CHEESE ALL COOKED IN THE CROCKPOT THEN BAKED IN THE OVEN TO MELT THE CHEESE ON TOP, I ALSO ADDED SOUR CREAM TO MINE. THE POINT OF THE PIC IS THE PITCHER IN THE PIC IS 2QT PIC SO U CAN SEE WHAT WAS LEFT FOR MY B/P.

i went to bed - i had a bottle of the cleanse ready and planned to drink throughout the night... well i took the miralax before i went to bed and i only woke 2 times to pee lastnight - the rest of the night was spent tossing and turning and fighting with boys over space in the bed and there was some sleeping in there too... i drank a bit of the cleanse - maybe half the regular daily amount... i just prepared the cleanse for today, already took miralax and diet pills and im doing this! its 11 and i feel ok. i feel like i will be challenged tonight when i serve the boys dinner - but at least it is prepped and all they have to do is heat n serve! i made homemade spaghetti with meatballs and homemade texas style cheesey french bread - they ate most the bread yesterday but there is a little left... at least it didnt go to waste right!
so on top of making this, i made some meatballs in the microwave and slathered with bbq which my 11 yr old and i ate for a 'snack' for me was a b/p... i also then ate the homemade (hm) mac n cheese bake which also had broccoli in it... there were no left overs and no real complaints other than i thought we were having spaghetti! lol... oh well they can have it tonight im sorry it wasnt quite done!
i also finished baking the sugar cookies which i also b/p on... man yesterday was an aweful day for b/p: ma n cheese with broccoli bake, meatballs with bbq sauce, sugar cookies frosted and unfrosted, a poptart, bowl of honey bunches of oats with almonds topped with vanilla light yogurt, low sugar apple juice, chicken with cheese, ham, eggs with cheese, salsa and sour cream...i belive that was everything - it was a full on b/p day time after time i was purging...oh i also had a bosc pear somewhere in there...

SO HERE ARE THE SUGAR COOKIES... THEY WERE WARM SOFT AND TASTY AND A WONDERFUL END TO A B/P GRRRR!

SEE THE INDENT ON MY CALF? U CAN SEE THE AMOUNT OF SWELLING STILL THERE... TONIGHT IS ANOTHER LAX NIGHT I THINK I HAVE TO GET THIS GONE!

no more - ive got to find my way out of the perils of mia's grip...i have to do it without the help of professionals - prove to them i can do it and dont need ip - even though deep in my heart i know thats the push i need... i wont jump off this train - it is moving way to fast and im way too scared - it will take a hefty shove to get me off and in the right direction with therapy and ip...
i was online looking at some ed sites though... the first place i went for treatment as an adult, was in 2004 nov - the day before Thanksgiving i was admitted to the psychward to stabalize then sent to what was then known as EDC-Denver... well the dr there has since moved to his own new facility as some ladies who were at the center actually died as a result of malpractice and the dr was livid for people ignoring his medical advice - so he left and opened a new center with the other top dr in the nation... anyway - i looked at their staff pics yesterday and it brought back a lot of unpleasant memories of treatment! however one thing that really caught my attention was their philosophy... is says something to ths effect:
recovering from an ed is more than going off to some luxuious place and being handed healthy meals to replenish a malnourished body, it involves wok and learning what is the root of the issue - the food is only the beginning... there was more and thats not exact - but wow! this is exactly what i have been saying and NOONE will listen to me! y! i just want someone to understand - ok they cant but they can try to relate to what im going thrugh and try to relate with how i feel and try to help me work through this without forcing the food down my throat! help me get to the root of these damn issues and really learn about who i am and try to figure out how to be that person - try to have a life for and with my family and myself... anyway - i feel as though im rambling - i feel hypomania coming on - good and bad seeing as i HAVE to get this damn paper done! i dont really have time to be hypo manic!
actually right now i am also feeling so alone and lost... i really wish i had someone here to talk to - i have noone... it is literally me and my boys when they are not at school and well as much as i love them - this is not for them to learn about or discuss not right now... so i am stuck in my house....i have no friends and no family... i have some online buddies who i wouldnt trade for anything but sometimes even with them i just feel like they dont get it - i know noone ever really can but idk i just feel so alone and like it just doesnt matter... how do i explain this???? it feels like what i have been going through - its so new for so many other people and for me its like and? so its no big deal but wih them it is a huge thing and they are trying to work through it on their end and im here living it on my end for several years - not just 1 or 2 or even 3 but try more than 30! it feels like i have no other existence other than to live as an ed and i dont want that... some days i totally appreciate and am in love with ana and other days i wish she would go the hell away! then there is mia - wow... i hate her so much yet i cant seem to be without her... i would so like to leave her in the throws of my past but it seems she is as much a part of me as i am - so how on earth do i ever escape that? if i cant escape me then i suppose i will never escape her and that is very very unsettling!

THIS WAS ME YESTERDAY - I AM TRYING TO NOT CAVE TODAY BUT IT IS HARD WITH NOONE AROUND TO TALK TO AND IM TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE ALONE!

i will post more through the day i think - if i feel up to it...i just wanted t submit a post to kind of fill u all in... i hae failed the challenge i put myself up too but i am starting fresh so here goes!

so i have no earthly idea!....

id like to say i weigh only 112lbs but honestly i cant... i cant because i had a SEVERE allergic reaction to the celtic sea salt for the swf! i mean it was AWEFUL! i went from my 114lbs to in a matter of hrs 138! i freaked out! i was soooo swollen!

I AM SO SWOLLEN U CANT EVEN TELL WHERE MY ANKLES BEGAN!

so when this happened i was really scared! even worse my face was so swollen almost closed my eyes! my own husband said i was SCAREY when i sent him a pic! so i should have gone to the er right? nope - not me... i decided to take lax instead and clean mysef out really fast... the weight has gone back down and the swelling as well... problem is - i am STIL swollen! what does this mean? TRIGGER! i have not been able to stop myself from b/p! i was supposed to start the cleanse today - but no- i had to b/p all day! all this aweful swelling is driving me nuts and im stuck at 124! so tomorrow i have labs asap in the am - then tomorrow night will be anothe lax night - hardcore. i have GOT to get this junk out of my system and my weight back to where it was at least!
so i made cookies with my son and we packaged em in a couple tins... ive been b/p on things like homemade broccoli and mac n cheese and then like the mini - chickens or ham... ueah it sux! i know im supposed to be vegeatarian going back to vegan - so far not happening grrr....tonights additional binge is yogurt with honey bunches of oats with almonds... im going nuts not being able to control this mout of mine!
as for my son - he seems to be doing better - yay! he has been eating and no real complaints but he has sid his booty is sore lol! i gave him some vaseline and it seems to have helped - so i hope he get worse again... ill try to post more either later or tomorrow since i have a paper due tonight and have printed the article out - thats as far as ive gotten! yikes!

how many times have i said good bye to mia only to let her back in? im not sure what i wanna do???

miralax? metamicil? benefiber? chia seeds? which lax do i use? well seems NOTHING is doing anything now so i am thinking swf again this am... i didnt do anything yesterday but miralax 2x and NOTHING! i am feeling very bloated and backed up and just unhappy with everything!

i feel like such a lost hopeless cause - a piece of trash not even worth recycling... i know some people wont agree - but i cant help the thoughts that race through my mind...i was really wanting to lose all this weight like RIGHT NOW and so far it isnt happening! i think i may run and get the supplies i dont have and try yet again the master cleanse...since the swf is working for me now - maybe that will too? i guess it is a mater of me making myself STICK to it! i knwo the first few days are the worst - right now the first few days suck because all i want to do and all i can think about is bp...however - i have homework to do and a zumba class i would like to go to this am... there is some othr class tonight in its place so idk if i will do that or not - idk if i can even do zumba this am seeing as i will be doing the flush... either way - im gonna do SOMETHING and i WILL make it work! i know how many times have i said good bye to mia only to let her back in? beats me but you know the saying if u say something enough eventually u will believe it and make it happen? well i guess thats my goal!

so on top of all this - my son is staying home again - my 11yr old seeing as again he has something going on with that tummy of his... i took him to the dr last week and he was doing better i thought - thing is he has lost more weight and is getting super thin - im worried about his electrolytes too he keeps using the toilet way too much - poor thing! ok so well i guess i really need to get these boys to the bus and home for this flush to get my day going! hope everything goes well and i can stay strong...right now im still craving french toast but well im not gonna let that get me down right now! i still have goals and i still have labs to be drawn this week... was supposed to be monday but with the holiday they said i can come tuesday - maybe i play hookey and go friday! haha! anyway - more later!

oh boy... so today was not a good one... i ended up doing the flush and well it cleaned me out but i managed to eat and purge way too many times... i couldnt find the syrup at first so that was a huge trigger - when i finally got it it was too late... oh well.... i bake a chole chicken and deboned and refrigerated it along with a 12lb ham! those were some good binges though! anyway - i have the worst headache right now but i dont care - getting ready to do the flush here soon then again tomorrow in the am... i am going to make this work! i got the cleanse things as well and have no plans for tomorrow except getting my boys hair cuts and somehow finding some more money since i spent it all today on groceries! no pics today i just dont feel like looking or searching so for now - its goodnight and i promise to try and post tomorrow!

nope not today...

today was not a good day at all... well let me go back a little - lastnight was shitty and it just stayed that way...i had forgotten about my son's meeting so when i remembered and i was so dizzy and lightheaded well its a 45 min drive and i ended up bp - i was cared to drive in the ice and dark.... then we get there and we didnt even stay because the paperwork said it was a $400 deposit for just the interview and if he was not accepted - we didnt get that back! then even more than that it was anotehr $7000 for the trip and then we still had to pay for flights and any funds he may need while there! omg! do they realize peope dont have that kind of money! anyway - i was so upset - it broke his heart he worked hard to earn that invitation and i cant even be a goo enough mom to get the money for something he earned... wish i had just never seen the damn letter at least his heart wouldnt have been broken and the disappointment - it was the worst thing i have ever had to experience... i wanted to cry - instead i binged until i couldnt move and was in so mych physical pain it matched my emotional pain and then i purged it all out...so ya - lastnight ended up shittier than it already was...
i got up this am and did the swf again and boy did it work! omg! i was in and out the bathroom for over an hr! but i got so dehydrated from it i was dizzy and couldnt see straight... my head was pounding and throbbing, my chest hurt and my nose and eyes were dry... i was thirsty as hell and drank 5 water bottles and a 32oz powerade zero in less than half hour! it was bad and now i am BLOATED to hell! however my weight WAS 114 at that time - so it didnt go down? i dont see how as it cleaned me out but w/e... i am doing th flush tonight again after the zumba class and again in the moring - i did not care how sick and dehydrated i get - ill take some precautions such as the potassium and magnesium before i go to the gymn so it wil sink in a bit before my body is cleaned again then i hope i will have the strength and fight in me tomorrow to manage a fast again...

YEP THATS ME!

today well no fast - there was and is no fight... i went to hardees and got biscuits this am - i ate 3 then i also had some donuts from dunkin donuts (dd) and i purged in between then i got some sausage muffins which i ate half the muffin, sausage and cheese from them and purged again... i took a cold shower and some lipo6x then went back to sleep for half hour when the phone messenger started chiming - it was my hubby... at thi time it was 1115 and i decided i wanted to bp again and went to a thai resteraunt where they have a buffet and i ate and purged - i purged in their b/r 3x... then went and got soe more donuts at the g store and ate them on the way home with some unsweet tea and i purged when i got finished... i took 2 more lipo 6x and a diurex... i think i am done bp for today - i dont have the want or energy for more so i really hope that is enough...

YEP IM SUCH A FAILURE - THESE SAY IT ALL!

THIS ONE IS JUST SAD!

nix that my day just turned shitty for sure...

so i just got the call from my therapist that i can come back thursday to see her if and ONLY if i can follow all treatment recommendations which at this time is ip treatment.. so ya FUCK ME... i knew it wouldnt happen and i shouldnt have had my hopes up but guess what? it doesnt matter - this gives me 2 weeks to lose this weight without needing to add lax tonight to keep the loss going... im tired of caring when all that anyone else cares about is oh u r too thin u need to gain weight... the only way u r gonna get better and stop purging is ip... well guess what im not purging anymore and im no where near thin enough so im just gonna do what i can and lose as much as i can! lets go Ana!

so i guess now my calendar just freed up thursday morning too... maybe ill actually make it to the gymn... i think i feel like going now even if i am tired - it doesnt matter i cant listen to that voice i must obey Ana to keep her here and happy so she doesnt leave again!
adding to the news i forgot that today is the meeting for my son for the ambassadors program... he has been selected to participate in which case he will get to travel all of next summer in Europe and learn celtic cultures... the meeting is an hr drive one way and it isnt until 7pm - good thing im not laxing or i would be really sick there and on the drive home! anyway so we got a surprise visitor which is always nice, he called first this time to make sure we werent at the gymn lol... anyway he is goofing with the boys and said he will stay while i take the oldest to the meeting - thank you God! i dont wanna have to deal with them there while trying to learn and understand what the options are and fees and such... Lord knows i dont have the money but if somehow i can find it and he wants to go after the meeting - i will find a way to make it happen! not gonna let my crap mess him up! what a grand opportunity and if i cant let him go because i cant get the money i think i will die! so here goes to hoping he gets a scholarship or maybe a sponsor or something - if he chooses to go that is... and here goes to finishing day 2 of my fast - gonna nap now so not too tired on that long drive!

Day 2 going AWESOME so far!

so before i begin this - let me say i am VERY manic today!

bipolar mania:
Types of episodes
There are 3 main types of bipolar episodes:

• Manic episodes: The high moods—or “mania”—that can make you feel overly happy, irritable, or restless
• Depressive episodes: The low moods, which can make you feel very sad, hopeless, or fatigued
• Mixed episodes: Having symptoms of acute manic episodes and depressive episodes at the same time

ok so i went to bed like 8pm...took 6mg of melatonin thinking i would sleep ALL night - WRONG! i was startled awake at 11 and couldnt get back to sleep so threw a load in the washer and climbed in a warm shower... when i got out came to bed and went to sleep but woke again at 2am and just laid there i decided since the lax didnt work so well i would try the salt water flush (swf) today and if it didnt work i would just take lax tonight... so i got it all set up and went back to sleep planning to get up at 6 and drink the stuff since school was delayed it would be done working (if it did in fact work this time!) and i could get my kids up and ready for school... well i woke at 4am and decided to go ahead and just do it then - what if i didnt wake at 6? so i drank it and as required laid on my right side for 30 minutes - well was actually 40minutes in the shower and then in the bed till 533 when BOOM! it started working - YES! i was so happy! lol! it didnt do a lot but i felt lighter - as in cleaner when it got finished even though it didnt really do too much, with all the reviews i did expect more...oh well i dont care at leat it worked! however i drank so much my weight has gone up - im scared to even weigh right now but when i woke before the swf i was 114 so im gona say thats what it is...

SWF:

How To Do A Salt Water Flush

Here are the directions for doing a salt water cleanse. You just need 2 simple ingredients: sea salt and water!
1. Heat up 1 quart of filtered water in a pan. (note: i read the main site and it says NOT to heat the water so i used room temperature - otherwise it changes the salt)

2. Add 2 spoons of sea salt to the pan of water.

3. Have a taste of the water, and ensure it tastes very salty. If it doesn't taste salty, add more salt.

4. Afterwards, pour all the water to a glass.

5. Drink down the water quickly.

6. Crouch and rub your abdomen. This helps break down any clumped fecal matter.

7. After 15 mins to 2 hours, you should have diarrhea. You will release the water out your anus. If you don't have diarrhea after 2 hours, you did not put enough sea salt. So next time, please put more!

after i woke at 533 i just couldnt get back to sleep so at 6am  got dressed and came downstairs - i was suddenly exploding with energy! i decided to make pancakes for my boys for breakfast and they would be done in time for when they had to get ready for school - i made apple cinnamon whole grain and also strawberry shortcake - they were a hit and there were plenty left to keep in the freeze for later they can microwave em to eat em for breakfast and are way better than the store bought frozen ones! while these were cooking i proceeded to: make a pitcher of iced coffee, blend an iced coffee drink for me (coffee with splenda and ice), made a new pot of coffee, made a pitcher of sugar free koolaid and switched over the laundry. i then got my shoes on preparing to take the boys to the bus when i got an automated message school was cancelled due to possible inclimate weather - grrrr!
ok so i loaded my middle son into the van with me - he loves to go when i go places and we hit up the commisarry. while there we got milk, sour cream, a package of shredded cheese, 6 boxes of ocean spray sugar free drink packet mixes(for 79c a box cuz i had a $1 off coupon per pack!), a half gallon of skim milk, and package of papertowels - then we came home.
when we got home i got straight to work with lots of other things - i wanted to be busy while i have the energy and to ward off any potential b/p or triggers... so i started putting the groceries on the counter - not in the fridge as i planned to clean that out. i asked my son to take everything out the fridge and put on the counters or towels on the floor while i: made pistaccio pudding, banana bread, cinnamon streusel cake and fresh guacamole. soon as he was done and i finished all that i put on gloves and cleaned out the fridge then put everything back in it nicely.

NICE FULL TIDY FRIDGE! MY BOYS HAVE FOOD READY TO EAT WHENEVER READY!

next i proceeded to put chicken, potatoes, tomatoes, celery and onions into the crockpot. next took rice and sour cream with some already cooked chicken, which i first deboned and the soup from the other night and mixed into a container. i then cut and gutted the acorn and butternut squash and put them to bake - the acorn with maple syrup and butter for one half and brown sugar and butter in the other and the butternut to just bake. When they got done i cleaned the acorn squash into a bowl for my middle son for lunch and then skinned and squished the butternut squash into the soup mix.

MY SOUP MIX - I AM ADDING IT TO THE STUFF FROM THE OTHER NIGHT - BET IT WILL BE TASTEY AND VERY HEALTHY! BUT NONE FOR ME - YAY!!!

with addition to this i: finished all the laundry, baked rainbow chocolate chip cookies, gingerbread cookies and spaghetti squash, cleaned all the counters, made baked potatoes, made homemade refried beans, cut the broccoli and celery into snack sizes for my boys, cleaned and cut the lettuce and package it - two types, diced tomatoes and onions for tacos and cooked the meat for the tacos and now for the first time since 6am i am sitting down and blogging! oh somewhere in there while doing everything else i logged onto skype for my kids to talk to their dad and i talked to him in passing as i sliced and packaged the breads i made! im tired now and need a break! haha! so ya - it is 5min to 1pm now and i am still doing ok with the fast i have just been drinking a lot which means i am sure i am totally water logged now but know what - im ok with that for now as i havent eaten anything and even when i was tempted for a min because of my middle son giving me issues and i was tired which wears me to b/p - i didnt cave and now i dont feel like it! yay! so i am in a pretty decent mood for now... i do need to clean off the piano though and then take the computer (which i call my box) back to my room so as the day passes i dont cave to any potential temptations!

RAINBOW CHOCOLATE CHIP AND GINGERBREAD COOKIES - MORE BAKING STILL!



i was also talking on yahoo to a really good friend and i pray she is ok as she is dealing with mia and severe depression - remember hun, i am always here for u online and via phone if u need to call!

WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS AND WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THIS SPECIAL BOND I CARE FOR U MY SPECIAL FRIEND!

lol its only been what 15 min but right now i am feeling a bit triggered - i love broccoli and the soup i made is calling me! but i think i can handle it though... its just that trigger from feeling tired and having to stay in here to finish baking... i think the piano and little table will have to wait or i might end up caving and honestly - that is no longer an option...

THIS IS THE CHAOS I STILL NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ORGANIZE! BOYS KEEP ADDING MORE AND MORE GONNA RUN OUTTA ROOM EVENTUALLY YOU KNOW!

my goal is to make the swf and do it again everyday as long as i fast - this should make things mive fast and i hope keep me cleaned out while i lose weight... i just have to remember my goals and i know i can do it! remember my longest was 21 days and i have challenged myself to beat this! score 1 - almost 2 (so far) for Ana and 0 for mia!

GOALS TO MAKE DEADLINES TO MEET!

DETERMINED AND PISSED!

ok so the lax did NOT do like they were supposed too! GRRRRR! i am pissed! i have been sick as shit all day i mean SICK! then i get a call from my case manager and guess what? my dr ont lift ip recommendations which means now my therapist prob wont see me! i am so pissed right now!

but guess what? it got my addrenaline rushing and i am so determined - even able to get up and get the computer to the bed and start doing stuff... idk yet maybe even zumba tonight - i am so gonna make this work! although i am sick and dizzy and lightheaded - right now i DONT CARE! its like tis - everyone else gave up on me when i had to make a choice - so guess what? ima SHOW THEM! im gonne be down... my dr apt is the 24th at 940 i have labs the 17th means if i work it right i can deff be under 100 by then! right now 114 - so im down 2 more and im fasting... i REFUSE to give in this time... mia can take a hike ima lose this weight and she doesnt see to wannahelp so fuck her and let ana come back! i will do water and green tea but this weekend will add some protein shakes so the labs come back good and will add some potassium supplements and all the other supplements as well - just to be sure i safe with labs... then after i do the labs - i can lax or whatever i feel the fuck like doing and i just dont care! if noone else cares or elieves in me why the fuck should i? i see no reason so ima do what i want and that means making my goal... first is 110 then 105 next 100 and then 95 yep - lower still i wanna get to 85 and have a bmi of 12.35! ill post more later maybe!
hope everyone else is having a better day and not being fucked like me - this sux... everyone thinks that my life can be fixed by forcing me ip to gain weight when all that does is set me off to lose it again when i get out! WORK ON THE OTHER STUFF then maybe the ed will be better!

I FEEL UR FRUSTRATIONS!!!!

so now it is like 510pm and honestly i am not even craving to b/p i want nothing to do with food or mia - she can take a fucking hike... im tired of her and ana is back - with a vengeance! i have gone 21 days on a fast before - ima beat that! i bet i can - go ahead challenge me! today is officially day 1 and im not giving up!

however - i am still super pissed and things have just gotten worse! now i got my fucking period too! 9 days early! wtf is that!

so now it is like almost 7pm- no mia or b/p in sight - yay! but i am so pissd! swear my life is so unfair right now! i had 16.9oz water then i had a drink a few minutes ago of powerade zero to swallow some water pills - helps keep bloating to a min after lax... anyway i weighed and its up! i am PISSED! this is NOT my day! i want it over RIGHT NOW! so adding to the already shitty day i get my period AND i go back up some! is this never gonna end! wel lets see ive made it through the first day - im not even tempted so i really hope and pray it goes down more tomorrrow... granted its only up a little but any amount up is very very bad in my book and with Ana!

I AM THE SLAVE AND THIS IS MY MASTER - ANA IS HER NAME AND I WILL DO AS SHE COMMANDS! LOSE THE WEIGHT FAT BITCH! YOU DISGUST ME!

guess im just ful of words tonight lol! so it is 735 now and im actually about to go to bed... however i have some pics to add yesterdays 116 - blech and today at 114...its getting there! my chest hurts and my stomach is in a knot...its making all sorts of period gurggly noises - i hate that its so uncomfortable! im scared to see what happens tomorrow with cramps if tonight when it barely started i was already doubled over...looks like maybe another bed day! oh well - i made it through day 1 of my fast!

ME 116 LAYING ON THE BED WITH KNEES UP - DISGUSTING FAT AND STRETCHMARKS! MAKES ME WANNA HURL!

ME 114 THIS AM - I LOOK SO GROSS - I HATE IT! BUT IM GETTING THERE!

SO THIS NEXT ONE IS COMPLETELY RANDOM BUT I LOVE MY KITTY AND HE MADE ME FEEL BETTER!

night ladies - have a good one! i just got a call from the school the boys school will be running 2 hrs late so that means we get to sleep in! whoot whoot!