failure to the highest extreme...

well today did not go as i had planned for it too... once again the sink is overflowing with dishes to be loaded into the dishwasher and the trashcan needed emptied before the end of the day... the fridge is looking emptier and i have no money to go shopping... in fact i have totally fucked up and there is no way to fix it... i only hope somehow i can make the food i do have last through till the 1st of jan...
i have binged and purged too many times today... my head and throat hurt and i feel like shit... i am such a failure... i cant seem to even be honest with myself... i know in my head there is no possible way i can do this alone - i need help but it is simply not an option... therefore what is going to happen? i have no idea... either i will end up dead as i had predicted, in the hospital and on a feeding tube - not if i have a say in it, or i will passout and someone is going to find me and all shit is going to hit the fan... my husband is not going to be happy at all if he learns any of this... i just cant break it to him.. he doesnt need further heart breakng he has his own struggles... he was just given some anti depressants because he was suicidal - like he needs to hear im struggling beyond struggling... i feel like crying but i wont... i really wish i had my therapist... i really wish she would see me again... i know im an epic failure but at least when i was seeing her i had someone to be accountable too and i was able to have someone to push me to keep going... it just isnt working anymore... my voice says the wrong things and pushes me the wrong ways how is this ever going to get me better?
i wish i could shut the voice up... it doesnt help in the wya i want anyway... always drudging up the past y cant that shit just shove back in the dusty box in my minds closet again? i dont want it around... i dont want to know about it or remember it and i dont want the feelings the shit brings back i just wantto forget... i just dont want to do it anymore and i dont want to relive it... im tired and i just want it all gone - NOW.