no more excuses!

ok i have not posted in a while. i feel like i am talking to myself and i dont care so y even post anything? i love to write but lately it just seems like it doesnt matter so y bother? well i have finally hit the bottom and it has to stop. i am waking in the morning to find myself a slave to mia from first steps downstairs until i am in bed at night and even then i think and dream about bp... no more... i am sick of a sink of dirty dishes from my binges and a trash and recycle can over flowing with wrappers not to mention the dwindling food supply forcing shopping trips nearly every day - no more... in addition the purging is literally killing me... headaches, toothaches and now even worse - blood... for the past 3 days i have hd blood in the purging nearly every time... thats a lot since i have been purging many many times in the day - some days even as much as 20x in a day... this is not working i have got to stop...
i have to prove to myself i can do this... the longest i have gone without mia is 13 days and that was last yr at this time... my dr and psychiatrist have given up on me... they dont think i can stop without hospitalization and a feeding tube and well my therapist said she hadnt given up on me but she refuses to see me so i feel like she did... i cant go back to her until the dr removes hospitalization recommendation so i guess im not going back... i have decided to put forth a challenge to myself... i am fighting it even now as i type this... i am feeling oh so triggered and all i feel like doing is binging and purging... anyway - my challenge is i have to go util Jan 1 with no binging and no purging... i know i can do it.... i just really have to force myself to do it... this means not allowing myself to give in... its really hard... i have already given up on myself... the worst thing is i thought i would be dead or in the hospital by this time... i didnt think i was going to live to see next yr... do i now? im not really sure to be honest... with everything that has been going on with my body i am not sure i will make it... it doesnt matter - im alone anyway... i have no family here and i write this journal in hopes someone will read it and benefit but i do not even think it matters... it probably means nothing to anyone and i just feel like a big nothing...
it is really sad to have so many things - a husband who loves me very much and i love with my whole heart, 3 beautiful children who mean more than the world to me, a house to live in, 2 degrees and working on a 3rd yet i feel like the biggest failure in the world... i feel like i do not deserve the air i breathe and the clothes i wear not to mention the love i receive from my boys and husband... i deserve to be burried 6 ft under in a cardboard box for the bug to have at me...
today i am in a very low low place... to be honst i think i am going to end up doing a few things i know will help at least for a minute... i a planning to cut - i want and need to bleed... if i knew my babies would be well taken care of and my hsuband could handle it i would do it enough to bleed out - at least then i would be a few things - light and empty and out of pain... however i do not know these things so this will not be the case for today... i am going to cut though - there is no question fo that it is just a matter of where and how deep, how much and of course when...
i am also going to take lax tonight... how many i am not sure... this will be determined by the day how things go... whether i end up bp today or not... i have so many things to eat that are what i bought to bp with but i do not want to... i have taken the permission away from myself to bp so i am not sure i even will today or not... if i do not the lax will be harsh still and will begin what i need to get me on the track i am aiming for... i have gained some weight and i am not managing well with it not to mention i do not want it... my goal is to lose enough i will potentially be under 100 lbs by the new yr... we will see if it goes as i plan... i know if i make that goal a reality i potentially face immediate hospitalization but they can not force me if i do not want it and my labs come back stable even if itis through the use of the supplements... my dr told me this at the last visit.. this means i can lose and as long as my heart is stable when i see her there is nothing they can do... since i do not go to her until after the17th of next month - i have plenty of time to potentially make even 85lbs - wow that would be like awesome! the sad thing is people already comment to me about how sick i look and there are the too skinny comments not to mention the u dont need to lose anymore in fact u could use a few extra lbs remarks or even worse yet the ones that say i look like a drug addict because i am so skinny... oh well - y should i care? its my body and i want to be ok in it... if losing this weight is what makes me feel ok then i should be able to right?
blah! idk y i am even saying any of this here... noone really reads it... i feel like i am talking to myself... and to be honest im sick of hearing my voice - i dont want to hear any voices anymore... i just want nothing...
so yeah i guess thats it... a failure i am - but i have to make this work... i am just not sure if i really feel up to trying to do it today or waiting until tomorrow...