i think i need to start over...

so it has been a while yet again - sorry... not that i dont have time to write her - its more like not feeling like it... sometimes i just feel like it doesnt matter noone reads it anyway and its just for me to get it out. well sometims getting it out i feel like i say the ame things over and over and not really getting out what want to actually say?
so i want to get rid of mia so badly yet i cave in to her day in and day out not able to stop... i do not understand... whe i was younger it was so easy t just not eat...before all the 'knowing' from other people not eating was like - normal... now i just cant not eat without feeling guilty or feeling shakey and know what its from and not seeming to be able to ignore it... for example today - i took my sleeping meds lastnight and i was so dizzy and just not feeling right so istead of fasting like i wanted to i caved in to mia and now i just feel disgusted i cant even seem to make it one day! however - i wont let this keep me down- it was one b/p and it is only 145 in the afternoon... i think i can do the rest of the day without anymore and go to zumba tonight... this burns about 6-800 cals so i think it will be ok... i guess we shall see right?