cant teach an old dog new tricks...

well i did great yesterday - until 7pm when i caved and bp... only 1x yesterday though and i looked up zumba and it says u burn 600 cals per 30 min - i had an hr class plus burned 60 cals on the bike... i also kept the 2 almond coffees (70cals ttl) and 2 apples  (120cals ttl) down yesterday so even though that feels like so much i felt that it was sort of ok since i burned way more than i kept in...
today i got up planning for whatever the day brought... i really didnt know if i felt like bp or not... my period is gone and im glad for that - maybe the cravings will subside for a while... so i got dressed - i was really groggy from my night meds i began taking again... i read that prozac helps with the cravings to purge - since symbyax has zyprexa and prozac in it combined - i figured ill give it a shot again - at least it makes me sleep...
anyway, so i groggily get dressed and grab my empty effexor bottle, my boys med bottles and hubby drives me to target... we dropped off my script and they say 15 min so we go get dish soap and pb (i have coupons for them and we need em so might as well get em) and i hear them page me back to pharmacy...
when i get there they tell me that they do not have any of the effexor but will after 3 - so i say ill come back... we go to front, pay for the 2 items and head to the pharmacy at the base clinic...
i get a number and we wait a while - get the meds and head home... by now i should have had some coffee and almond milk... i know it will help me not feel like bp - but because there was no coffee made before we left  - i hadnt had any and i was craving bigtime... instead i get some calorie free koolaid and drink a glass then lay on the couch... i finally decided at 1pm that i needed something so i measured some cucumber slices to 60cals and ate it slowly... after i finished - about 30min later at 2:14pm i caved in and bp... i ate some cottage cheese (80calsx2), some 35cal rice cakes (salt free) with pb and honey then purged... i was frutstrated and laydown for a while then got up... i had some pork loin - 1st meat in 3 days grrrr and some mashed potatoes then purged... i remembered i had to get back to target so i went and got the meds where i also got animal crackers and mms and i ate them on way home and purged when i got here...im done for today though - im irritated i caved 3x but i dont plan to again as im about to head to bed...
im really frustrated however that i cant go see my therapist yet - i really need to and i dont think i can get cleared... been thinking of getting a new one but that one will be starting over with everything ive had to work through to include developing trust again and also will probably say the same thing - if u cant do what is recommended by the team cant see u... so y even try??? idk im just tired of this fight and i really wish i could be happy with me, my body and my life... i dont know that that is possible for me... i feel like i am such a dirty evil person - i get what i deserve and that is the unhappiness i live in... to include this disgusting body..
well i guess im done venting for tonight... im sorry if this brings u down... i know i tend to fall deeper into depression when spring comes and when we have weather changes so please forgive the sadness... someday - maybe i will have a successful day and have something positive to share...
night lovlies...