3:57pm Mood: worried
well today is nearly over... yesterday i did not make it - i bp 3x and it sucked... today however so far i have managed to be stronger than mia... i got up this am and took vitamins and meds hen went back to bed and fell asleep again... i got up at aroun 945-10ish and came downstairs, made coffee with almond milk (35cals) took 5 swallows and lay back on the couch... then mia came in... she started hollering and screaming and of course only i heard her voice, her words and her anger at my having had the coffee and cals and not purged! i withstood as long as i could before i caved in and went in the kitchen and toasted a bagel thin (110 cals) placed it on the table and for the first time in months - journaled... i finally took half the bagel and tore it into tiny pieces and ate it very slowly... at 1015 i went into the kitchen and started baking... i was not going to purge and i refused to listen to mia right now... so i started pulling out ingredients, heating the oven and prepping measuring cups and pans. around 11 my youngest son asked whose bagel half was on the table, i told him mine but he could have it if he wanted, he put nutella on it and ate it. yay - less for me! so at this point rather than 155 cals to burn i was at 90... i baked 10 packages of muffins, 2 boxes of cupcakes make 8.5 cups of rice crispies into rice crispy treats, baked/fried 2 large sweet potatoes and 2 potaotes into fries then frosted and decorated with my son the cupcakes and rice crispies... at 130 - i was exhausted! i logged onto the laptop and talked to a friend for a few minutes then proceeeded to print tons of coupons, i finally just finshed with that and had the rest of my 3rd water bottle... im still at the 90 cals but i just steams a lot of cabbage which i have the plan of eating some and saving the rest... if i am strong enough to keep it down and eat only half - thats 50cals, if i eat all its only 100... so im still under 200 for the day with a goal of less than 500... im sure i burned well over 90 while baking - but i still plan to do the elliptical in a while... we will see what happens and i hope i can do this...
5:25pm Mood: HELP!!!
ok so i am really fighting myself right now - dam i wanna purge so bad! i ate the cabbage - 1/2 as i had planned so that was really good was only 50cals that way... well then i made the miracle noodles which are zero cals and i added a can of Chinese veggies (45cals for the can) and i dry steamed em on a nonstick skillet - so now im at a total of 185cals for the day and i feel like i just need to purge! i need to get this crap out of me! i fee alone and lost and im scared to death im gonna gain so much weight tonight! i cat even let myself weigh right now - im certain it will be way over what it was and ill be close to 130 cuz of the food in there... i will freak out even worse if i see that...ugh i need help!!!! im going to attempt to workout on the elliptical if i can keep myself out of the kitchen - thats my fear! its right next to the kitchen and im scared cuz right now i really wanna purge and i know i can and it wont be an issue cuz noone will be the wiser or suspicious... but i know right now i need to fight this for me - for my boys and my husband... i know if i dont make this work on my own im going to be sent ip and lose everything and right now - ive alerady lost most of it i cant handle it if i lose even more...so i pray i can do this! if i need to eat i can have an apple - ill work more of it off than i ate and be ok! i have to!
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