guess it is time for a post?

10:44am (est)                                                                                                                                            Mood: determined & uncertain
hi everyone -
im sorry i have not posted for a very very long time! things have been so busy and hectic around here and im being watched so i have to be ubber careful!
ok so... hmm... since the last post i guess my hubby has come home, i have gained too much weight in fact im at 123ish (keeps jumping 121-123) im not using any lax, i have been bp a LOT and im using today as my second day to try and stop - yesterday i cut down from about 20 to only 2 so that was a huge difference! i have my food log and im trying to keep it but its hard as hubby gets upset when he sees me doing any journaling - he thinks it means im getting 'sick' again... he just doesnt understand im worse than i have been in a long time... weight might be up but the bp is also way up... i think weight is up because i have been having alcohol and diet soda binges and that makes me gain - also my period due anytime...
so far today im working on my coffee which was 8oz added with 8oz of silks unsweetened natural almond milk - 35 cals per 8oz... i measured it exact and im working on that as my breakfast... im not going over 500 cals today and im really fighting to not need to purge as well...i have to get this under control or they will send me inpatient and im not up for all that! i was supposed to go for bloodwork and dr apt back in march i never went for the bloodwork and i never made the dr apt... se has not called so i asume she doesnt miss me or just hasnt noticed my absense... once she does - ill get the call and only then will i go!
yesterday i had the worst headache that was left over from sat - i thought i was dying! i took supps and i even took extra of potassium (K) and it just nulled it enough to make me able to still be alive! well yesterday i took 3 of my prescription strength K and the headache was still bad eough lastnight it was making my eyes water! i went to bed and i woke this am - the K mustve kicked in with the magnesium and the headache is just slightly there... thank God! i cant deal with those headaches - extremely triggering for me!
i went shopping yesterday and i didnt buy any crap or junk foods! i only bought healthy things like fruits and veggies and such for my fam! i was very proud of myself then i ended up caving in and bp i was pissed! could not believe i did that! then i was feeling sick again so didnt eat dinner and thought i was going to make it all night and have nothing more - then hubby started asking when i was going to eat... head was hurting so bad that i finally just gave in and bp again... at least i guess i didnt turn to the alcohol again like i have been doing for just over a week... i had to stop it somewhere so i just didnt drink yesterday... now im hoping my weight will go back down and i can start getting back on track with Ana and lose Mia... my face is so swollen where the glands are in the back of my jaw - i feel like a dam pitbull! i absolutely hate it! makes me look so freaking fat in the face!
whats really weird is a lot of the gain seems to be in my boobs - im not complaining about that! i just hope as i lose now it will be from the areas that need it gone - my ass, hips, thighs and gut! although i was in the kitchen making my coffee when i looked down at myself and could see my hipbones protruding through my workout pants - so idk... it is just a mess and so confusing! i wish i could just get rid of the ed and be happpy with myself...ive learned over the past 30yrs though that that just is not my life so im stuck hating myself... i try to get help and someone or something steps in making it impossible - so right now im not in the fighting mood and im just going to try and live today one second at a time... maybe one second, will lead to minutes then hours and finally to a day of no bp - then i will be happy... one day of success is like getting a dozen roses!