losing mia is harder than they say...

12:44pm                                                                                                                               Mood: Depressed but somewhat optimistic

im really having a hard time today. im not sure what makes this so hard - before restricting was the easiest thing for me. now all i can think about is if i eat that - will i be able to purge it? how many calories will i really be taking in if i do purge? i just wish this was easier... i really want to stop the purging - i do... i really hat eating and i hate the way it makes me feel after i eat and then after i purge...but the cravings and the pull are so much... i just dont understand why i cant seem to ignore it like i used to so well before...
my husband worried now and questioning my eating habits - this just doesnt help any at all... i feel so scrutinized and like a child and yet at the same time - this used to help me just not eat before - now i try to find ways to get around it and be able to still binge and purge... the thing is with this - sometimes what i binge on is less than what a normal person would consume and i know that - yet it still gets to me...it still feels like to much and i just have to empty myself and be free of that feeling... i dont know what im going to do - i dont know how im going to make this feeling go away... right now i am struggling with the trigger that i am having a craving to b/p now - but i am fighting it and just trying not to cave... i know i easily can and that just makes it harder... im trying to keep busy but im running out of things to do! makiing it worse is the smell of the dinner i have baking aleady - i needed to get the chicken baking because there was a lot of it... first i de-skinned and and de-fatted as best i could the 10lb bag of leg and thigh quarters and then placed in the pyrex pans and seasoned, covered and am now baking... i am technically a vegetarian - except occasionally i do eat chicken because i get extremely low blood proteins and it is the only way i have found to get my levels up. i do plan to go back vegan though and i am working on it slowly rather than 'cold turkey' lke i did last march...
so other than this - well i guess today so far has been ok... i woke at 9am (est) and came downstairs to the kitchen where i first made my iced almond milk with coffee drink. i took a small sip and began checking emails etc on the laptop... when my friend had to go i got offline and went into the kitchen and began my hand busying things for the day... i first cleaned and cut the celery, then the zucchini, yellow squash and bellpeppers. next i did the chicken and by that time it was after 1130 so i made another iced almond milk with coffee drink and logged online... ive been surfing the nutrition sites trying to find the ones that have calorie information and i checked how many calories etc in different foods i have in the fridge so if i choose later i can weigh them out and eat them throughout the day... i know how many cals in 29oz of yellow squash is 100 and then the same for celery and i know there is 05cals in zucchini that is 18oz... i have spaghetti squash that is 6.7 oz (baked plain) and that is 60.9 cals... so i really hope i can force myself to be strong and do this today - my goal is less than 500 and NO purging... oh i also have packages of 100 cal almonds - those are great for protein and energy... so anyway ya thats today so far...