it is never ok for me...

10:03am                                                                                                                                          Mood: depressed, sad and frustrated

so yesterday as i posted ended badly and i woke this am Easter hoping for not too bad results... still 123 so i guess it could have been worse right?
i am so depressed right now and i know i should not be - i have a great family and i should be happy - should be... but why cant i seem to be? i have no idea... i feel so down... i just wish i could sleep the days away and just ignore everything but i know thats not possible... i was thinking this morning when i woke up that i wish i had not woken - i just wished i couldve stopped breathing... at least it would not be killing myself and the family would benefit from my death through life insurance and not having to deal with me or my issues... it didnt happen though...
i dreamed i was dead... thats one thing with bipolar we actually can see r selves in those situations - like actually see r selves fall to the death, see the end result... its not pretty but my family was ok... and for me thats what matters... i need them to be ok if i go... i need to know my boys will be cared for and get enough hugs and kisses, to be told i love u and know they r important... i need them to be talked to and to know it is ok to talk about their feelings and what is bothering them.... in this dream lastnight, they were in fact ok and that put my mind a little at ease... perhaps this means i am becoming ok with the idea of actually going - of dieing... in some ways this makes me feel ok and in others it makes me more sad... knowing i am ok to go because they will be ok means i really am not needed and that hurts... so ya - this is my Happy Easter and its not feeling so happy...
i am debating what i even want to do today... im tired of the fight and of trying to beat mia... so far all that does is make me work harder for more failure and makes me feel worse... not to mention all the weight ive gained... i refuse to be this fat... i cant do it - i have to get rid of it one way or another... and right now it doesnt matter what that is...

10:38am
and now i am having my almond milk coffee (35cals) which i also blended in the ninja blender this am with loads of ice... idk if im gonna bp today or not but we will see what happens... i sort of just dont want to eat anything yet i know if i dont it will deff result in bp but at the same time as soon as i ea something that leads to bp so its a total trap - a catch 22... i hate this and i honestly do not think today i have the energy to fight it...

11:41am
i finished scrubbing the 2 bathrooms and made the dough for the sugar cookies... im waiting for the oven to finish preheating so i can bake the cookies for my boys... i even got some cream cheese frosting to decorate the top of em with if they want... i think i will be safe as far as binging - ive still got some of my iced coffee left and idk if ill eat or not...

1:32pm
it doest matter anymore...im such a failure... ya u already guessed im sure - i failed... i caved and ate some mashed potatoes, sugar cookies and some bagels with pb then i had a cupcake and i purged... i know i want to stop - more than anything but i guess the whole idea of having been this way for nearly my entire life well it just makes it feel impossible... i believed i could change but everytime i get close something happens and i go right back to being my eating disorder... i am the face of an eating disorder - thats just the way it is i guess...

2:37pm
sorry for the constant updates - but i would rather update than cave again and sometimes updating helps keep me from forgetting what i wanted to say in the first place... if it gets annoying - please dont feel obligated to read...
right now i am not really feeling much of anything except a dark side of me and the need to cry and sleep... thats deffinately the depression setting in... normally i have my therapist to help keep me from falling - last yr i was able to void hospital through working extra with her... this yr im alone again and honestly i dont feel the strength to fight it... i wont go into the hospital no matter how bad it gets which in some ways is a case of denial maybe and in other i guess its my way of avoiding myself and just letting the ed and depression win... noone is aware... ive managed to still avoid the dr and ive not gotten labs drawn which were due the 28th of march... i also have not yet called my psych dr to make my apt but i really dont have to go until may however i plan to skip out on that as long as i can as well... i guess i just plan to try and elminat my existence however i can - no matter what it takes... and t do it without getting caught... for now - today - this is my plan and im sorry to anyone it may hurt but i have to make it through each day somehow...