and so it is the next day...

today i woke up feeling really down and depressed...all i wanted to do was get the boys to the bus and come home and sleep... thats what i did - for a while... i got up at 11 and decided i was going to bp at olive garden...so i got dressed, i was feeling nauseated and woozy but ok... my weight108 grrr i gained 2lbs back but i kind of figured i would since i knew it was all water loss from the lax... all that pooping and puking lol! anyway...so i get to olive garded and i eat soup and salad and 4breadsticks - in total... i purged 2x while there but it was one binge so... well i left from there intending to get my phone fixed but insead ended up at cdonalds for ice cream andthen home to purge again - i needed to make sure everything came up and i just didnt feel like i was empty... well when i weighed - i was the weight i was when i got up this am - so obviously i got it all... i decided to take a long hot shower because frankly i was exhausted....
i climbed in that shower and my mind was racing... i a so confused within myself right now... i do not know which direcion to turn... i know im falling deeper and deeper into this death hole and if i am not somehow rescuedsoon - i will be unrescueable... i have gone beyond rock bottom... i hit that back in july when i asked for help... it was when my husband gave me the ultimatum of hospital and divorce that i decided i didnt need help and would just keep going... now i am at a stage where i know im dieing... slowly my body is shutting down...
i got out of the shower and i barely had the energy to get dressed it took me 25minutes to dry off and put on panties, a halter top and climb into my blanket again... then i had to get up and make dinner - that was a huge feat! i put on my workout pants and shoes and made my way down the stairs... my son asked if i was ok - i said i was ok just really tired and not feeling so well.. he doesnt need to furthe worry... i cleaned the grill and put the ribs on then laid on the couch till time to flip em... i flipped em and laid own again... when theyw ere done i put on a plate and placed in the microwave to keep warm till the boys were ready to eat... i had made potatoes earlier for them... i cam upstairs and laid on the bed...it was 432 next thing i knew my phone was chiming and it was 512... i knew i was exhausted... my stomach was in an upror - felt like i had taken tons of lax when i know i didnt take any... i just grabbed my book and i wanted to read - but i had no umpf in me for it... finally i got out of the bed at 645 and logged online so i could do my homework due today - i had to at least do that... i then decided i needed to blog... to vent and get my mind partially cleared out...
i hate feeling like i am lost and confused... like i dont know what i want yet i know it is something... like i need to keep going but i need to stop and go back...i hate not liking who i am and despising myself yet the closer i get to that lower number i dont feel any different...i wonder if there is such a thing as too far and when i will know? or even more so if i will know? the biggest part o that is will i be able to stop if i know or will it be too late? how far does my body have to shut down before i can finaly do something to stop myself?
i am scared to death - tomorrow i have labs... i took potassium and iron tonight... i am hoping it is enough for the labs... but i also hope it gives me the energy i eed to workout tomorrow... how sick is that? i want to workout? i know it is sick and insane - yet i cant seem to stop the obsession and even tonight i am beating myself up because i did not go to the gymn and did not workout - i just did not have it in me...
tonight my chest is tight and my stomach is in knots... i dont want to even drink anything yet i drank a small amount to get the potassium down...i never did make it to the tmobile today and if im not feeling better tomorrow - i dont think ill go then either... i just dont have the energy to deal with people or issues nor the motivation... i suppose if i was to die tonight at least i am closer to thin than i was before but i dont think it is yet enough...

ok so MIA again... lol

im good at being mia i guess... well things have happened... i have been so tired and just energyless and its crazy! my mind does NOT help the matters at all! i am so confused with what i want... at one level i totally just want to keep going keep losing... dont give up... at the next level i am so tired of this battle and i feel like maybe if i do give up the support will be enough to get me going and keep me safe - yet i will be miserable and unhappy... thats leads where? right back to where i am now...
so right now i am totally fghting HARD CORE... i really really really wanna bp! i am craving a vegan burger loaded with veggies... just eat and eat and purge it all up!clean me out! but here is the thing... today i woke up at 106lbs! this is like the lowest i have been in litereally YEARS! i am so scared if i do eat i will gain and that CANT happen! i have a dr appt this week and i just dont want to gain... yet im scared to let her see me at this weight for fear she will try to make me gain! or worse put me on a tube or throw me in the hospital!
grr ok so i dont feel like saying anything else right now

tuesday and still no real success to post...

ok boo... so my weight is down a little - not enough to jump with joy over! i finally got that damned ghost weight off and am back to 110... i went to the store and bought some lemons - 4lbs so i can start the MC again tomorrow... i really need to get this dam mia under control i have labs next week! i thought i had longer than that but i looked at a calander today and it is a week away! crap!

so i went to the case manager today fully expecting to get questioned about my weight etc... nope... she only gave me a look and said when is ur next weight and dr visit? i was like after the 21st... i havent made it yet - she was going to make it an email it to me today... oh well cant get out of it this time i guess! so thats ok i dont even care... she isnt going to stop me from my damn goal! i made 110 FINALLY now i gotta make that 105! come on 105! its been a long time since ive seen that number and even though not my final goal - cant wait to see it!

so i decided im sick of always only talking about weight and im not a pro ana person... i live with ana and mia but i do not believe in helping others develop it or live in it by choice.... we are living with eds because we were chosen... so that being said we live with and deal with the best that we can... if we choose to get better or leave them behind then so be it - but thats a lot of fucking work! i know ive tried! so far very unsuccessfully... and right now i dont care - i dont plan to stop... why should i? the only thing anyone ever does when they 'ty to help' is throw u in a hospital and force u to get fat... once u r fat the ins says - oh she is well - send her home! well guess what - im sick of it and im not doingit anymore... so this is just how i will live and have to hide the best i can... im scared to death of my dr visit - i am so scared she will throw me in a room lock the door and turn on the fat valve! damn! i really wish i didnt have to go!
i cant decide if i wan to go to th gym tonight... i mean i do want too - but idk if i should...

i have been having a LOT of chest pains... like when u have a chest cold and it is all tight and phlemy - but im not sick... and then the pain goes from the center of my chest down through my left arm... yesterday it was enough i was contemplating the er... however that was a quick NO since i was afraid they would get my weigh and admit me thinking it was all ed related - im not wanting admission thanx! just want to know its not a heart attack - but too late im not going... ill just ignore it maybe it will all go away!
i updated some pics here on the blog - YES they are of me! when i look at these pics... idk how i feel... i KNOW they are -  took them! however... when i see them i feel like - wow is that me? look at the bones! that cant be me - i am WAY fatter than that! but then i say to myself -IT IS U - U TOOK THE PIC! so i am confused because i see things and i dont see things then i see them again and i just feel all lost! one of the biggest surprises for me is the one ill add to this post... i was sitting on the couch watching ANTM and just looked down and took it... i was so suprised there was my hipbone sticking out like that while sitting...

SITTING ON THE COUCH THERES MY HIPBONE!

anyway - i am feeling quite confused in my head right now because my sons friend told him im so skinny i look like i smoke crack - he nearly punched the kid in the face and was in tears when he came home... i feel so bad... the one thing i never wanted was my boys getting teased because of a fat mother - now they are getting teased because people think i look too thin...

well day 1 hasnt happened yet...

so i thought i was gonna start mc again fresh right? hasnt happened - i got my damn period! i ruins everything! i dropped to 110 then - period started and now it is stuck bloated and gross at 112! i know it will go down and my goal is 105 by friday... i will make this at whatever costs... this number needs to go down!

so ok well... hmmm today i woke up feeling pretty good ad productive... except the fact the lax i took lastnight did NOTHING! GRRRRR! so all day today i have been drinking dieters tea and had one drink of the cleanse decided im not starting fresh with it until tomorrow... of course that means going to get lemons to grrr... so well lets see... i then proceeded to bp 2x took oep and water pills and forced myself to do the eliptical anyway... the eliptical works muscles in different ways than the bike... so my hopes were that the leg muscle will get better so i cando zumba tomorrow... as for other things happened today? ya lots but i dont feel like bringing it up again... it has been taken care of and my hubby already knows cuz i vented with him and a good friend... no reason to cry over spilt milk - just wipe it up andpour another glass...

so i also did my entire team project section... it was not as hard as i had thought... also did my responses so all i have left is to do my paper tomorrow... should already have it done or at least started but i dont and just dont feel like doing it...so it will come about tomorrow...as for everything else... i did 150 crunches and 20 pushups all i could handle... well lets see bp again after the eliptical... and then i did it again because my weight just wont shift! i took 3 water pills and another cup of tea made with 3 bags...grrr... cant believe nothing is working! i am so sick of drinking stuff and not losing anything! ok but no lax tonight... gonna be free of that a few days in hope that wen i take again they will actually work...

i updated my pic to the right... it is a standing pic and can c my hipbones - FINALLY! i am pleased with that but not happy... another words - getting there but not there yet...
with that i will close!

REMEMBER STAY AWAY FROM THE FOOD!

AND DONT FORGET...

NIGHT!

so i was MIA for a few days - as in missing in action... update!

ok so its been 3 days - sorry... i just had nothing i felt like sharing... yes things happened and life was moving in circles around me - but i just didnt feel like putting any effort into anything... so well  i didnt!
so i did the MC day 1 was great - except the dam salt water flush (SWF)! omg! that crap was nasty and then what happens? i dont lose - i GAIN! i went up from 112 to 117! then i decide to try the flush the next am - maybe it will work now and get things moving right? NOPE! grrrr.... so then im at 119 and totally freaking out! thats it - day 2 sux! i hated day 2 and by the end of it i had bp to get that crap out and laxed to clean my guts of any left over salt! so my recommendation NO SALT! it is VERY EVIL! this morning i get up and im back to 112! THANK YOU GOD! my body and my HEAD could NOT handle that! all that work to get down to have it blown by trying to do something better and helathier... healthier my ass!
ok so now ventings done on the SWF...

NO SALT ALLOWED!

moving on... so yesterday i go to the gym... im really psyched too i wanna burn so many calories and make this weight that i 'somehow' gained GO AWAY! i swear ghost weight - wtf! anyway... so im on the bike and chatting on yahoo and texting another friend - 3 friends at once lol then hubby too! it was awesome i was so distracted i was able to workout really good... well there was a break in the conversations a bit so i got on this other machine - like a glider/elliptical... ayway im just setting it up when i see this guy  recognized... when he got closer i knew who it was - a parent to one of my very first MA summer camp students... he stops to talk... i ask about his sn and wife - she had breast cancer thankfully she has been in remission for a year after many treatments and surgery... i tell him about y boys and the seizure and hubby being gone... then he says "u ve lost quite a bit of weight - how much have u lost?" im like "about 40lbs" he says "40! y! u were never big to begin with!" so tha just totally stoked my day - till i got home... oh i burned 860 cals! whoohoo! i get home and weigh - 116! no this is NOT going to work! i freak out and with everything else i caved... my brain was just so triggered NOTHING was gonna fix it... i think if id have ahd a gun - well i would have USED IT! so i ate and purged... down 115 - yes! so i take lax and like i said got up this am - 112! yay! so my hopes? 110 tomorrow! but anyway - so at the gym - i tweaked my left knee which then progrssed ino my thigh and hip... grand...

K - SO I WAS NOT HAPPY - BUT I WAS TRIGGERED!



so today i wake up rearing and ready to go! my weight is down and im ready to try this cleanse again! i get downstairs and make my tea and cleanse -NO FLUSH! and get the boys ready and take em to the bus... then i head to the gym! yay! im gonna get a geat workout early today! then i decide at the last minute to irst go to walmart and see if they have the weighted workout vest - they do but its more than targets... so i d get a new shirt and a workout jacket to match what i was wearing today - i was cold and it was only $9... so i pay and drive across to target - it is 8am right now and i know already what i want... so i hurry there and get the vest, on the way i pass the toilet bowl brushes and remember we need new ones... they are on sale so i get one for each bathroom and go to the checkout... i get to the van to find - i cant gt the vest out of the box! it i zip-tied! grrrrrr.... ok breathe! i go to the gym and just take the box and vest in one with me... thankfully the girl at the desk had scissors! yay! so i go up to the machines and get one the bike... start pedaling and OMG my thigh is burning! ive only done 10cals! wtf! NO! i dont care im working out anyway - still shooting for the 1000 cals... but now idk... i barely make 500 and i gotta stop - there is no physical way i can do more... damn... ok go home put some tiger balm on and come back for zumba tonight - thats the plan! i get home slather with balm and guess what? theres that damn trigger again!

THIS IS LIKE THE BIKE I USE

i weighed - i GOTTA stop doing that! i know im drinking and keeping it down its going to screw with the weights! too bad and to late... i caved...i bp 2x before we left fot the gym at 445... yeah class wasnt till 530 but if we got there at 5 i cold do another 30 on the bikes and kill 200 cals more plus the 600 in the class - id kill like 1300cals this way! WRONG! TRAFFIC! grrrrr.... we get there its 510 - i have 15 min to do the bike so im gonna do as much as i can - push myself... i did too! i made 120cals! YES! i stand up and oh boy! leg killing me! IGNORE IT ALREADY! yep - thats what i do!

i hobbled as quick as i could and got to the class just as the music turned on to start the warmups... by the end of the class - i could barely move myleft leg - but i did the whole class! however... not without issues... during the class things started zooming in and out... i got really dizzy and lightheaded and at one point i felt like everything was so distant - like i wasnt really there? it was really weird and i felt really unsafe because of it... i still did it... got th boys and came home... finished the homemade spaghetti sauce and stumbled up the tairs to weigh and change... i weighed - 114 same as when i had left... yay! well not really yay - i wanted it lower but i actually had expected higher so i was like ok - gonna make it throught his... well i didnt... i ended up bp on spaghetti noodles slatheed in alfredo sauce and a handful of trail mix... grrr... so yep - i did lax too and now waiting for it to work!

so as u can see ive had a VERY eventful last few days - just didnt feel up to posting... i suppose partially because i have friends to talk with and i kind of vented with them as tese things were going on...

tomorrow is the farmers market and well im going to TRY to not go to the gym... i am becoming quite addicted again... even when i am in sheer pain and agony and i know thats not good... plus the body needs a day off to get rid of lactic acid and actually drop weight and build/repair muscles... i really think i pulled possibly tore a muscle in my thigh so i think i better not go... unless i wanna get in the pool and THAT is a big fat NO!

OK SO BEFORE I GO! i measured lastnight! thighs down from 17.5" to 16.3"! YES! hips down from 36" to 34.4" YAY! and finally waist is down from 25" to just at 24"! i am no happy about the weight but my BMI is now 16.5 and weight 112 so here are my new updated pics...

OK - SO I WAS TRYING T SQUEEZE MY LEGS AS CLOSE AS I COULD GET THEM AND THIS IS IT - FINALLY! THE GAP!

STILL TOO MUCH FAT! BUT IM GETTING THERE RIGHT?

well i think ive covered it all for today! night!

so another day and i spent way too much money!

ok so i got up this am and took a long hot shower... got out and got boys up... i got dressed and went down, poured tea into my shaker and then made somemore to steep for tonight...as im yelling at the boys for not doing what they KNOW they are supposed to be doing im also peeling lemons for this cleanse drink - today i am determined i will do this...one problem - my body needs some sort of sugar and i find out in a bit... anyway - so i get the boys to the bus at 655 and head out for my trip to whole foods... i get there at 745 - they arnt open yet grrr... so i sit and text with a friend a bit until they open... i go inside and slowly browse - i know what im here for but i love whole foods... so i look around a bit... eventually i ask for help when i cant find the celtic salt i know they just gotta have it! i was right and i find it... go to the end of same aisle and there is the maple syrup - yay! things are looking up... suddenly the store spins and i grab the shelf next to me to stable myself... wtf... grrr.. ok i get some soy milk and coconut milk, grab some soy italian sausage - i know better it wll be a binge but i have never tried it so... next i go to the gardein frozen foods... i find vegan chicken coron blu - one of my favs.. grrr .... i grab 2 bags thats 4 cordon blus - i have coupons and about to expire - cant let that happen!

mmmm! tasty!!!

so i fnally make my way to the register and pay... i head out and decide to go to trader joes... my husband signs onto yahoo and we r chatting now as i head the 2 block drive... i get there and walk around... organic hormone free eggs - .99$ a dozen so i get 2... find organic lemons and i get 2lbs... head over to the nuts and get some raw almonds and 2 bags of dry roasted /salted pistaccios for my hubby... i walk further down the aisle and there is the syrup - grrrr - it is $2 per container cheaper... oh well not going through hassle of a return... next time i know... they dont have the salt though so it doesnt matter... i find some vegan pulled bbq chicken i get a pack of that and some boca burgers too... man what a day so far! i think thats all so i make my way to pay... i leave and drive 1.9 miles to the barnes and noble to see if they have my sons book - online it said they did... i look all over and the store is 2 story and huge! im looking for a book i have no idea where it would be and cant find anyone who works here - grrrr!!! im starting to get triggered and i know...damn it! where are the associates! i finally walk halfway round the store before i find one... lovely they sold out... she calls the nearby store and they have 1 copy left - i have them hold it and head to pay for the one book and binders i had... i head to the other store... get there and get the book... thankfully - now my son will be happy! so i start to walk to the car and decide to drive across the shopping center to the target and get the new relese ' the karate kid'... i walk through target for a bit... i found a new outfit to workout in and the movie.. i was surprised to see they also carry morningstar products there - yay! so i finally finish my walk about... i got oatmeal and my outfit and some calculators to donate to the school - were on clearance for .25c... i got 4.... i also got my movie and a cool reusable shopping bag - as if i needed another!
heading out of target i bee-line to the chinese resteraunt where i binge... when i was in target i nearly passed out and was super shakey - this wont work for a 1hr drive home! i cant pass out while driving - no deff bad idea... tomorrow ill start the cleanse when i dont have to go anywhere and i have all the stuff now... so i finish and decide to walk next door to books a million see if they have the other 2 books to the series - no luck oh well... so i start my drive home... on the way i stop at krogers and buy some more stuff to include a lax tea and a 'healthy fasting' tea - this should come in handy... i next stop at walmart looking for dieters tea - they dont have it but i found some pretty pink panties - lol! i got those and some lax and... something else i dont remember what right now... im so exhausted i just wanna go home now so i head that way... i have one more stop... damn my bra is killing my back... i go into the px buy 2 new ones and 2 boxes of dieters tea and 2 new shaker bottles - they r on sale buy one gt one 50% off so y not right? i also got 4 ritter sports strawberry cream candy bars - one for each of my boys and one for me... i dont need it but im already subconsciously planning a bp when i get home... that and they were for breast cancer awareness week... my husbands aunt just finised chemo or breast cancer so u know...

this is my fav dieters tea! cinnamon spice!

when im done i can finally go home  im only 2 min away thankfully!
i get home and i am so tired and so glad to be home! my boys are actually getting along... i tell them to make hotdogs for dinner i just cant make anything else tonight i am too tired... i heat up my cordon blu and my sausage and some squash with cheese in the micro and head to my room for my private bp session... i need to feel empty...

want some squash with me?

at 630 i decide im not doing my paer - i just dont get what im supposed to write and im too exhausted and dont feel any words anyway - not for that at least... so i decide to try the salt water flush (swf) and i make it and drink it down - yummy! bottoms up! blech! anyway... i wait and i finally start to feel something... i figure ill give till 8 if nothing happens im laxing... well i went 2x after that but barely anything... at 830 i go in and strip and weigh - freaked out! 121! wtf! i was 114 this am! ok thats NOT gonna work! so i rush downstairs to binge and purge - get this out of me now!!!! i purge and come back to re-weigh - the same!!! thats it i cant do it and i take the pills... will i regret it? later - yes right now i feel better knowing it will fix everything very soon... i am still reying on swf tomorrow but later in the afternoon when all ive had is the cleanse i think it will work better... i think i had to much in there and the amount of salt i used just wasnt the amount my body requires... it is so used to the abuse from lax it takes more than most... at least i hope thats the issue... ill try again tomorow - maybe... i really want this flush and cleanse to work and to work well... i want this weight to drop like YESTERDAY! FAT BE GONE!
ok so i think im going to bed soon... my head hurts and i need some rest it will be a long night / day once these kick in and they will make me be in a lot of pain... oh well right - what we do for thin!
i am truly a slave to these eating issues, scale, numbers and all....

tomorrow is a new clean start for a goal of no more mia and grerater weight loss and a healthier me!

finally some progress!

ok so ive not been blogging like i should...its because i have been so frustrated, stressed out and unable to get online! what do i mean? well the internet would logon then it wouldnt open any pages and would log me in and out of messenger... needless to say i was totally stressed! it has put me way behind in my class and i worry about catching up... have a paper due tonight but no focus left or brain to do it... so it will be late as well...at least the team one and dq's are caught up now... ugh... it has also caused massive bp sessions and a damn stress cold sore!

I WISH I HAD THIS LASTNIGHT!!!

so on top of all this... yesterday i decide ok im gonna try this salt water flush right? WOW BIG mistake! all it did was force my body to retain a load of water and make me more and more thirsty! i felt so sick and like i was going to explode... i kept eating and purging to try and get it out as it did NOT do the ax effect it was supposed to! so it was just sitting in me and nothing was happening! by the time i took lax at 8pm my weight had gone from 117 to 126! i was FREAKING OUT! i took the lax to just get that salt out! i didnt even care if i didnt lose more as long as i was back to 117 - i would lose it some way without the flush! so it worked!

THIS TOTALLY BACKFIRED LASTNIGHT!!!

tonight i wam after many bp sessions today... 114!!!!! yay! so now the problem - i am so thirsty! i wanna drink some water but that immense fear is here that if i drink anything the weight will find places to hide and force me to gain! is this dumb - yes but it doesnt matter the fear is THERE!

THIS IS LIKE IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND!

so tomorro my goal? to drive to whole foods or trader joes or even ellwood thompsons in richmond - maybe soon as i get the boys on the bus so i ca get home early and NOT cave to binge! anyway - i need to find the celtic sea salt - or no swf ever again! and grade B maple syrup... yes - i am going to do the cleanse with the syrup but now all of it... maybe 1/4c-1/2c instead of 1c... i dont want THAT many calories! no way! that is way to scarey to thinkabout letting stay in my body! this lady on my forum though she has lst like 16lbs in 13 days - today being day 14 idk if she lost more or stayed the same... doesnt matter im willing to give a shot! oh also gotta get some more dieters tea as well...

so well as for how i actually feel? with all the bp ive been doing... well numb... and tonight a little less stressed seeing as i got most of my backed up work done and caught up... so that really helps... my hubby is sick i dont like that... it makes me feel so bad... im kind of scared of y next dr appt if i actually - which i will, achieve my low weight goal of less than 110... idk what she will do... i hope that the labs will come back good and she really cant do anything... i can say im not bp anymore and just eating a healthy vegan diet... with good labs she will have no reason to doubt and then well maybe she will lift the recommendation - but idk... im scared if my weight is that low she might admit me on the spot... i plan to do a few not so intelligent behaviors such as weights in undies and bra and i plan to use some shorts under my jeans over my undies  they dont check i have stripped anyway... so i could potentially get away with it... i am a super sneaky devil desguised as an angel...

HMMMM WHICH ONE AM I TONIGHT?