journey on...: finally some progress!

ok so ive not been blogging like i should...its because i have been so frustrated, stressed out and unable to get online! what do i mean? well the internet would logon then it wouldnt open any pages and would log me in and out of messenger... needless to say i was totally stressed! it has put me way behind in my class and i worry about catching up... have a paper due tonight but no focus left or brain to do it... so it will be late as well...at least the team one and dq's are caught up now... ugh... it has also caused massive bp sessions and a damn stress cold sore!

I WISH I HAD THIS LASTNIGHT!!!

so on top of all this... yesterday i decide ok im gonna try this salt water flush right? WOW BIG mistake! all it did was force my body to retain a load of water and make me more and more thirsty! i felt so sick and like i was going to explode... i kept eating and purging to try and get it out as it did NOT do the ax effect it was supposed to! so it was just sitting in me and nothing was happening! by the time i took lax at 8pm my weight had gone from 117 to 126! i was FREAKING OUT! i took the lax to just get that salt out! i didnt even care if i didnt lose more as long as i was back to 117 - i would lose it some way without the flush! so it worked!

THIS TOTALLY BACKFIRED LASTNIGHT!!!

tonight i wam after many bp sessions today... 114!!!!! yay! so now the problem - i am so thirsty! i wanna drink some water but that immense fear is here that if i drink anything the weight will find places to hide and force me to gain! is this dumb - yes but it doesnt matter the fear is THERE!

THIS IS LIKE IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND!

so tomorro my goal? to drive to whole foods or trader joes or even ellwood thompsons in richmond - maybe soon as i get the boys on the bus so i ca get home early and NOT cave to binge! anyway - i need to find the celtic sea salt - or no swf ever again! and grade B maple syrup... yes - i am going to do the cleanse with the syrup but now all of it... maybe 1/4c-1/2c instead of 1c... i dont want THAT many calories! no way! that is way to scarey to thinkabout letting stay in my body! this lady on my forum though she has lst like 16lbs in 13 days - today being day 14 idk if she lost more or stayed the same... doesnt matter im willing to give a shot! oh also gotta get some more dieters tea as well...

so well as for how i actually feel? with all the bp ive been doing... well numb... and tonight a little less stressed seeing as i got most of my backed up work done and caught up... so that really helps... my hubby is sick i dont like that... it makes me feel so bad... im kind of scared of y next dr appt if i actually - which i will, achieve my low weight goal of less than 110... idk what she will do... i hope that the labs will come back good and she really cant do anything... i can say im not bp anymore and just eating a healthy vegan diet... with good labs she will have no reason to doubt and then well maybe she will lift the recommendation - but idk... im scared if my weight is that low she might admit me on the spot... i plan to do a few not so intelligent behaviors such as weights in undies and bra and i plan to use some shorts under my jeans over my undies they dont check i have stripped anyway... so i could potentially get away with it... i am a super sneaky devil desguised as an angel...