so screw me!

damn it all anyway! i ALMOST made it today then my son finishes the dinner and says 'mommy rnt u eating? u havent had anything all day' what was  supposed to say or do? he isnt dumb - he is almost 15 and i cant say i ate cuz he has been downstairs all day - obviously he is old enough he noticed.... damn it all anyway! so i ate spaghetti made from spinach fettucchini noodles with my homemade sauce and a piece of cheeey texas toast... i then purged... i purged so much my throat is burning and im so super dizzy... i feel like my head is in space and everything is so far away... i do not like this feeling... oh well i am used to it... im dehydrated i think... i took water pills again anyway to make sure anything in there comes out then i also took my d pills... i weighed the same as i did this am when i got up... i really hope goes down to 108 tomorrow but not counting on it...

 about to write my paper on my personality then i hope its not too late and i have some energy to do some exercises... i was going to go do the elliptical but thats near the kitchen so maybe just some stuff in my room is a better idea... i cant find my exercise videos - not happy about it so i went on amazon and ordered a dvd with minna lessig - it shipped and should be here by wed according to the email... i really am very disappointed in myself for giving in like that but at the same time i cant taint my children... i cannot let them know what is going on... i can not make them aware nor cause them further worry and stress... this life sux... i want to just have a vacation from myself... be someone else... someone happy, healthy and where recovery is not even a worry because an eating disorder has never been an issue...