ok so MIA again... lol

im good at being mia i guess... well things have happened... i have been so tired and just energyless and its crazy! my mind does NOT help the matters at all! i am so confused with what i want... at one level i totally just want to keep going keep losing... dont give up... at the next level i am so tired of this battle and i feel like maybe if i do give up the support will be enough to get me going and keep me safe - yet i will be miserable and unhappy... thats leads where? right back to where i am now...
so right now i am totally fghting HARD CORE... i really really really wanna bp! i am craving a vegan burger loaded with veggies... just eat and eat and purge it all up!clean me out! but here is the thing... today i woke up at 106lbs! this is like the lowest i have been in litereally YEARS! i am so scared if i do eat i will gain and that CANT happen! i have a dr appt this week and i just dont want to gain... yet im scared to let her see me at this weight for fear she will try to make me gain! or worse put me on a tube or throw me in the hospital!
grr ok so i dont feel like saying anything else right now