another day so where's my next dollar?

ok so today i got up at 340am! yes 340am! well actually 234am when i had to pee... i logged online to see if maybe hubby was there - ive not heard from him since sat night - im getting really worried and that is the biggest trigger for me! so i finally got out the bed and went in and sat in the shower. for almost an hr i let the water run and fill up the bathtub and i just soaked... i still couldnt relax so i got out and started to get dressed... i decided at this time i was going to the gymn before my dr appt today so i had to find something i cold wear that was appropriate for the gymn and i could also wear to the appt... i finally decided on my new black/grey sweater and my black like cargo slack pants... idk what that are but they are not denim and not cargo materil - soemthing else... anyway so i got them layed out on the bed and im getting dressed... i go to put the pants on pull em up and i let go to grab my shirt - they fell to the floor! shit! thats not gonna work! need a belt! so i rummage through my stuff and find my only black belt... i put it through the loops and goto buckle it - i cant find a hole wtf? i look closer and it doesnt go small enough! oh well it will have to do - i will just hold the pants up the rest of the way - its only till after the appt anyway then i can change nto something else...

i go downstairs feeling a slight bit manic and start cleaning... first a load of laundry - switch to dryer, hang the wet and fold the dry and match ll the socks... start a new load... next i make the mix and start cooking waffles while cleaning off the table, the counter and picking up the floors in the living room and game/workout room... time to get the youngest two up... go upstairs wake them come back down keep cleaning and cooking... put their waffles on the table spray the stove to clean it... pour 3 cups of soy milk and lay out meds... oops - gottta pee... done come back and finish waffles, clean the iron and make a pot of coffee... check the bys have they finished eaten? is the table clean? did they take their meds and drink all their milk? i plug in the vacuum and begin vacuuiming the game room empty the canister thn work my way through the hallway and livingroom and again empty the canister... damn it was bad in here today! ok time to go to the bus! take them to the bus planning t head to the gymn next - shit left my phone at home! grrr they load the buses andi quickly drive the 1 block home to get my phone and go to the gymn... i have 40 minutes to read and workut before i gotta leave for my appt - cool i can get a little workout in...

 WHAT IS MANIA?

"Mania, the presence of which is a criterion for certain psychiatric diagnoses, is a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/ or energy levels. In someways it is the opposite of depression. The word derives from the Greek "μανία" (mania), "madness, frenzy" and that from the verb "μαίνομαι" (mainomai), "to be mad, to rage, to be furious".

i do the bike 40 minutes, i only burn 150 cals cuz i am so intrigued by my book i find myself slowing to nearly not pedaling... finally i put the book down and watch the tv... i have no clue what this program is - its kind of weird but interesting about this woman who is in a beauty pageant for miss. illinois... idk i didnt stay to wtch it - the girls werent very thin and not very motivational... all of em were just snobby and back stabbing... it was time for me to go so i cleaned the machine and left...

GET SOME MILES IN WHILE I HAVE SOME FREE TIME!

i get to the ortho dr and i have paperwork to fill out good thing i thought ahead and planned to have to do paperwork so i got there 10min early! i finish the paperwork hand it to the lady and then have a seat... i am prepared to sit for a while - last time at the other facility i was there like 40 min before they called me - i had my phone to text and my book to read things to keep my mind occupied... my mind racing i cant get yahoo mesenger to login and im so worried about my husband... i have no reason for concern per sey except they keep getting rocket attacked and i havent heard from him since sat night when he got booted offline... im worried...

LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!

next thing i know the nurse is caling me back and handing me a gown... remove the bottoms they have metal buttons on the back pockets may case issu with results... i lay on the hard table and she tells me to lay flat and relax... i dont have to hold my breath or anything - just breathe easy... she is talking to me... we talk about my school and my martial arts and my boys and hubby being gone etc.. she asks if im still getting my period - im like ya i guess u can call it that? i mean it lasted in total maybe 3/4 - 1 day? i think in reality was more like 1/2 a day with just spotting - heavy - spotting - nothing. i said but it doesnt bother me - i dont need it anyway - i am not having anymore kids... she said ive made quite a few accomplishments and should be proud... she didnt make me put my foot in one of those holders like the other place did when they tweaked my hip and made it hurt for about 6 months maybe longer...i was grateful for that... she said no point since i am capable of holding still on my own why make it more uncomfortable? thank you.

so anyway test is done and i go to stand up... first i sit and grab my pants and slide em up... i stand up and suddenly everything is black and i find myself falling smack on my ass onto the table - thank God it was there! she was liek ya have a seat for a few minutes till u r not dizzy anymore... shit this is NOT what i needed! i dont need to be passing out especially at the dr's! talk about quick reason for admission! ok so i am totally freakedto drive now and end up a few blocks away eating at shoneys... i wasnt hungry and it wasnt even good... i was just eating to make so i didnt passout... halfway through i was like i am so done... purged...paid and left... came home and purged more to make sure i got it all... came upstairs and finally yahoo decides to logon right when i turn the computer on... grrrr... i just log out from the phone and put the computer on... ive had it logged in all day...

DIZZY YET?

i got my homework done and i proceeded to bp 2x more today... i guess its ot so bad but i relaly waned 0... tomorrow i have to work at the boys school so i gotta get some sleep tonight so i can have energy tomorrow! this crap of less than 3hrs of sleep just doesnt help with the dizziness - although i do appreciate being manic-high as i get stuff done!

so i made some dinner which i bp and some vegetarian chili with cheese... here is the weird thing... i usually eat it all and then i wll purge... for some reason and without realizing it till i was done... i ate the chili and left the cheese in the bowl? idk it was weird... so i purged and my weight is back to what it was and im ok... im going to take some water pills already took some d pills... but im done with food today and i dont want anything to do with it... i hope i can keep this mindset tomorrow and not end up caving when i come home after working at the school...

HMMM... WONDER Y I DIDNT EAT THE CHEESE TONIGHT? IT WAS A BINGE..

so i also stopped at the hospital to talk to my case manager... i wanted to see if she has my last results from bone density test i had a few yrs ago - she was out till tomorrow... ill try to remember to stop on my way home... anyway so i also stopped by xray to see my friend and she said geeze - nothing but bones... it sort of made me feel good in a sick sort of way? i like that people see my bones and tell me - i dont see em so i need to know they are there... next i remembered to stop by the peds clinic and make my son an appt for his asthma meds check and refill... this is going to be a long week i just hope i remember everything i need to get done!
 

LOOKING FOR A BETTER NUMBER AND BONES...

so tonight my top right wisdom tooth is really hurting... it hurts to bite down hard... ive never once in my life had a cavitiy and i think im might be getting one... grrr guess i need to call the dentist and get us some appts?



i dont think im gonna bp again tonight... im really tired now - slowing down from this mania i was on... damn i like being manic at least i feel something...thought about calling Diane today... ask if she will see me no since my labs are ok... i dont think she will though because my weight is down... idk i might call tomorrow and ask her anyway - i guess it wont hurt right? idk i just feel like why even try? im not willing to do everything they want so that means my dr prob wont lift the hospital recommendation... im not willing to go to a new therapist so oh well...

oldest son has dr on thursday at 820 and therapist for middle at 1015... working at the school tomorrow and wed till at least 11... this should be a breeze for fasting - i hope!