and so it is the next day...

today i woke up feeling really down and depressed...all i wanted to do was get the boys to the bus and come home and sleep... thats what i did - for a while... i got up at 11 and decided i was going to bp at olive garden...so i got dressed, i was feeling nauseated and woozy but ok... my weight108 grrr i gained 2lbs back but i kind of figured i would since i knew it was all water loss from the lax... all that pooping and puking lol! anyway...so i get to olive garded and i eat soup and salad and 4breadsticks - in total... i purged 2x while there but it was one binge so... well i left from there intending to get my phone fixed but insead ended up at cdonalds for ice cream andthen home to purge again - i needed to make sure everything came up and i just didnt feel like i was empty... well when i weighed - i was the weight i was when i got up this am - so obviously i got it all... i decided to take a long hot shower because frankly i was exhausted....
i climbed in that shower and my mind was racing... i a so confused within myself right now... i do not know which direcion to turn... i know im falling deeper and deeper into this death hole and if i am not somehow rescuedsoon - i will be unrescueable... i have gone beyond rock bottom... i hit that back in july when i asked for help... it was when my husband gave me the ultimatum of hospital and divorce that i decided i didnt need help and would just keep going... now i am at a stage where i know im dieing... slowly my body is shutting down...
i got out of the shower and i barely had the energy to get dressed it took me 25minutes to dry off and put on panties, a halter top and climb into my blanket again... then i had to get up and make dinner - that was a huge feat! i put on my workout pants and shoes and made my way down the stairs... my son asked if i was ok - i said i was ok just really tired and not feeling so well.. he doesnt need to furthe worry... i cleaned the grill and put the ribs on then laid on the couch till time to flip em... i flipped em and laid own again... when theyw ere done i put on a plate and placed in the microwave to keep warm till the boys were ready to eat... i had made potatoes earlier for them... i cam upstairs and laid on the bed...it was 432 next thing i knew my phone was chiming and it was 512... i knew i was exhausted... my stomach was in an upror - felt like i had taken tons of lax when i know i didnt take any... i just grabbed my book and i wanted to read - but i had no umpf in me for it... finally i got out of the bed at 645 and logged online so i could do my homework due today - i had to at least do that... i then decided i needed to blog... to vent and get my mind partially cleared out...
i hate feeling like i am lost and confused... like i dont know what i want yet i know it is something... like i need to keep going but i need to stop and go back...i hate not liking who i am and despising myself yet the closer i get to that lower number i dont feel any different...i wonder if there is such a thing as too far and when i will know? or even more so if i will know? the biggest part o that is will i be able to stop if i know or will it be too late? how far does my body have to shut down before i can finaly do something to stop myself?
i am scared to death - tomorrow i have labs... i took potassium and iron tonight... i am hoping it is enough for the labs... but i also hope it gives me the energy i eed to workout tomorrow... how sick is that? i want to workout? i know it is sick and insane - yet i cant seem to stop the obsession and even tonight i am beating myself up because i did not go to the gymn and did not workout - i just did not have it in me...
tonight my chest is tight and my stomach is in knots... i dont want to even drink anything yet i drank a small amount to get the potassium down...i never did make it to the tmobile today and if im not feeling better tomorrow - i dont think ill go then either... i just dont have the energy to deal with people or issues nor the motivation... i suppose if i was to die tonight at least i am closer to thin than i was before but i dont think it is yet enough...