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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

tuesday and still no real success to post...

ok boo... so my weight is down a little - not enough to jump with joy over! i finally got that damned ghost weight off and am back to 110... i went to the store and bought some lemons - 4lbs so i can start the MC again tomorrow... i really need to get this dam mia under control i have labs next week! i thought i had longer than that but i looked at a calander today and it is a week away! crap!


so i went to the case manager today fully expecting to get questioned about my weight etc... nope... she only gave me a look and said when is ur next weight and dr visit? i was like after the 21st... i havent made it yet - she was going to make it an email it to me today... oh well cant get out of it this time i guess! so thats ok i dont even care... she isnt going to stop me from my damn goal! i made 110 FINALLY now i gotta make that 105! come on 105! its been a long time since ive seen that number and even though not my final goal - cant wait to see it!

so i decided im sick of always only talking about weight and im not a pro ana person... i live with ana and mia but i do not believe in helping others develop it or live in it by choice.... we are living with eds because we were chosen... so that being said we live with and deal with the best that we can... if we choose to get better or leave them behind then so be it - but thats a lot of fucking work! i know ive tried! so far very unsuccessfully... and right now i dont care - i dont plan to stop... why should i? the only thing anyone ever does when they 'ty to help' is throw u in a hospital and force u to get fat... once u r fat the ins says - oh she is well - send her home! well guess what - im sick of it and im not doingit anymore... so this is just how i will live and have to hide the best i can... im scared to death of my dr visit - i am so scared she will throw me in a room lock the door and turn on the fat valve! damn! i really wish i didnt have to go!
i cant decide if i wan to go to th gym tonight... i mean i do want too - but idk if i should...


i have been having a LOT of chest pains... like when u have a chest cold and it is all tight and phlemy - but im not sick... and then the pain goes from the center of my chest down through my left arm... yesterday it was enough i was contemplating the er... however that was a quick NO since i was afraid they would get my weigh and admit me thinking it was all ed related - im not wanting admission thanx! just want to know its not a heart attack - but too late im not going... ill just ignore it maybe it will all go away!
i updated some pics here on the blog - YES they are of me! when i look at these pics... idk how i feel... i KNOW they are -  took them! however... when i see them i feel like - wow is that me? look at the bones! that cant be me - i am WAY fatter than that! but then i say to myself -IT IS U - U TOOK THE PIC! so i am confused because i see things and i dont see things then i see them again and i just feel all lost! one of the biggest surprises for me is the one ill add to this post... i was sitting on the couch watching ANTM and just looked down and took it... i was so suprised there was my hipbone sticking out like that while sitting...

SITTING ON THE COUCH THERES MY HIPBONE!

anyway - i am feeling quite confused in my head right now because my sons friend told him im so skinny i look like i smoke crack - he nearly punched the kid in the face and was in tears when he came home... i feel so bad... the one thing i never wanted was my boys getting teased because of a fat mother - now they are getting teased because people think i look too thin...

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