well lets see i failed AGAIN

so did i really fail? YES. starting off from when i last posted here i didnt manage to blog or journal since - i just didnt get myself to that point where i cared to write my words or try to discover how i was feeling...instead i gave in epically to mia and jyst let her have my days... another words NOTHING has been done lately on my to-do lists grrr....
ok today however is different - so far. i tend to try to NOT post early as then if i do something different an ammendment is then needed and i hate lieing to myself or changing what i have done vs what i have said i want to do - however, i am trying something different today so we shall see if it works!
i got up this am after yesterday was the WORST day so far this yr. i mean emotionally, and with mia as well as issues with my middle son... it was just aweful and i gave the day to mia - i could not do it and i honestly just didnt feel like fighting. however, i did call my therapist whom i was seeing before and i left a message for her to call me back. i really want and need to go back - whether she will see me again is another story. since my Dr has still the recommendation in for inpatient (ip) treatment, she said before unless that was lifted or i went - she could not see me. idk whether she will call me back - i know if i were her i would be happy to have me gone! good ridence! i wish i could be completely free of me! wow - that would be awesome!
so anyway - back to today sorry i have not been taking my bipolar meds either so i am a little weird today and borderline manic i am afraid... so when i got up this am i weighed - still 118 and then i got myself together to take the boys to the bus. i decided i was going to just stay in pj pants and a tshirt so i could come back to bed when i got home and hopefully avoid mia - she was very much taunting me this am... i was totally craving to bp on eggs with cheese - i also want to go back to being vegan so i am really fighting it... so i went down and i made an iced coffee - coffee, splenda and chia seed x2 servings (50 cals) no protein shake this am.... i put some in my shaker cup and the rest in a regular cup to eat with a spoon and took the boys to the bus stop. when  got home i brought the shaker to my room and put the other cup in the sink and layed down to try and sleep. seeing as i had taken 2 of my lipo 6x tablets prior to going downstairs - trying to relax and sleep was a challenge and i was just in a dazey sleep but i was able to avoid the kitchen altogether and not give in to mia - yet. i am hoping this will conitnue as i really do not want to give in... i need to make it through day 1. i make it through day 1 and i know from there it is much easier for me to just fast - well sort of fast. i plan to just do chia seeds and protein shakes so i am not sure if that is really fasting or not? it would be 55-80 cals a cerving if i add the chia and protein shake mix otherwise the chia seed is 25 cals a serving  -it is awesome for you though and really makes me feel full and i do not need to eat...so i am considering it a fast...
i emailed my case manager - i really did not want too but i know i have to get labwork done the 17th - ish and then my dr wants to see me within 2 days of that. i plan to have this weight down by next week - in fact i plan to have it down this weekend. for me if i use lax my weight goes down but if i use over and over i gain it all back... so the plan is i will use tonight - i know it will make me super sick but i do not care... i also know my weight will then be considerably lower and as long as i am careful - it will continue to drop from there... my plan and goal - 100 by the 19th-ish weight check and 95 or less by the 1st... i do not currently really have an ugw... i would like to make 95. once i get there i will see if i am happy or decide if it needs to go down further... the sad thing is logically know it wont be god enough and i will need it to go down...i also am aware this will be a dangerous weight for me but i feel like i can maintain lower and be ok if i try to at least do the shakes and chia seeds... they are loaded with energy and proteins and fiber and antioxidants as well as omegas and tons of other stuff... so yeah - thats the plan right now...
school is going ok i guess.... this weeks topic? eating disorders... and let me tell you about this other woman in my class... she seems to think she knows everything - she has been a know it all in the past 3 classes and im getting annoyed with her...she posted a response to my post about eating disorders saying somethings i said can not be classified together - well i put her in her place! the class is aware of my my ed as i have posted about it because of being AMA and all that - the mates need to know so if it happens then i have let them know and wont leave them hanging... anyway - i really despise when people try to know more especially when they have never had the experience nor are they dealing with the issue...it is so frustrating...

happy (?) New Year a little belated! Jan 5, 2011

so i am officially DISGUSTED! i had gotten all the way down to 106lbs back in early Nov 2010. i went to the dr so i water logged to 'cover my arse' and weighed in at 111... well after that the weight only went back down to 108 - i figure it was cuz the loss was partialy from lax...so i tried to lose it with trying to give up mia and instead all that happened was it went up - up - up! i got my period and it kept going UP! it went to 129! i finally got it o start going down...on Jan 1 i was 123.4 GROSS! SO ANGRY! well i got these new diet pills called 'Lipo 6x' i took the first one and i felt great - didnt wanna eat nothing - was so happy! well then it wore off, i was not able to take another cuz i was out the house and ended up bp - but hey i knew they worked! so... i took the next day but again was out - decided i needed to buy another bottle for in the van! well as of today i am 117.8! so ya they are working and its going down - but not fast enough! i also bought the second bottle yesterday bcuz all the out the house ive been doing i just havent managed to take the other doses resulting in bp... except yesterday... well yesterday was WAY triggering by crap that happened at my husbands base in Iraq... needless to say nothing stopped the need to bp so i did and once i did it was like oh well ill d it again bcuz it doesnt matter... then when i did i didnt get everything out bcuz my mom called and kept talking and talking and talking... so i decided to do it again... i did and i felt better but pissed! so i went to bed at 9pm...well at 1122pm i woke and couldnt go back to sleep so i got up and went downstairs - i wanted to bp but i resisted! yay! i actually started cleaning the kitchen instead - i mean DEEP cleaing as in toothbrush scrubbing! i was cleaning until 2am when i was so exhausted my yes wouldnt stay open so i came to bed and slept til 6am... this was time to get the boys up for school...so i got em up and got dressed and went and made waffles... i made 24 waffles and they r ready for storing in the freeze... im about to head down to make muffins, banana bread, pumpkin bread, rice, more baked potatoes and green bean casserole... some more cookies too... the boys will be set for a few days with foods that r good, healthy choices... so i feel ok... so far today ive had two tablets and a sip of iced coffee... im about to also make my protein/chia seed shake (80cals) iced so ti takes a long while to eat it... i really want to make it through today - NO purging!
i usually do not make resolutions - except to lose weight but this year i have a few other goals i KNOW right now i want to achieve - so here is my list...

Resolution 2011:

1. blog/journal EVERYDAY
2. keep food journal starting from today 5 jan 2011- be honest and write EVERYTHING in it even if its embarrassing!
3. submit photos of my binges on this blog to see what i am doing to myself and help me stop!
4. make 95lbs by feb 1
5. STOP mia!!!!
6. stay off lax
7. keep grades up to A avg
8. get out of debt
9. keep checking account at a + balance and start saving
10. be 100% honest with my hubby - even if its hard

So my plan and goal for today is to post more later... we shall see what happens!

i think i need to start over...

so it has been a while yet again - sorry... not that i dont have time to write her - its more like not feeling like it... sometimes i just feel like it doesnt matter noone reads it anyway and its just for me to get it out. well sometims getting it out i feel like i say the ame things over and over and not really getting out what want to actually say?
so i want to get rid of mia so badly yet i cave in to her day in and day out not able to stop... i do not understand... whe i was younger it was so easy t just not eat...before all the 'knowing' from other people not eating was like - normal... now i just cant not eat without feeling guilty or feeling shakey and know what its from and not seeming to be able to ignore it... for example today - i took my sleeping meds lastnight and i was so dizzy and just not feeling right so istead of fasting like i wanted to i caved in to mia and now i just feel disgusted i cant even seem to make it one day! however - i wont let this keep me down- it was one b/p and it is only 145 in the afternoon... i think i can do the rest of the day without anymore and go to zumba tonight... this burns about 6-800 cals so i think it will be ok... i guess we shall see right?

idk anything anymore...

well ABC has been a HUGE epic failure to the utmost of failures! so im letting it pass... i had changed my mind and decided i was going to just b/p until i couldnt anymore and of course until my holiday box of treats got here... it FINALLY came today and it is gone already! there wasnt much in there - actually thought there would be more oh well... its all good! i am still waiting for another box and i hope it will come tomorrow although i feel as though my b/p days might be over. i also got my freaking period which it has been giving me the worst of cramps it possibly can... in addition - weight gain like no tomorrow - i am not happy at all! so this will end my blog for today and tomorrow is day one of what i will hope will be a difference and a fast... however - if i get that other box and i decide to b/p then it will start fresh after... i just wish all had come at the same time so it could deffinately been done!

ABC day 2...

ok so it is now 1pm and i even though day one was an EPIC failure to unseen limits - i have gone on to day 2 of ABC... this means following the rigid calorie plan - no prob as long as mia stays away...
i woke this am with a bad stomach ach - like nauseated stomach ache... i felt like i was actually sick with a flu or something... got out the bed and did some situps and then alternating leg lifts for 30 minutes... by then it was 6am and time to get the boys up for school... stretching and yawning prevailed and finally they stopped procrastinating and got out of bed and ready for school... bunch of sleepy heads! too many days off makes one lazy!

i drank a sip of green tea to take my meds and supps then got them to the bus for school - OMG so cold out! it was 16 degrees! i felt like i might turn into a pospcicle! glad i pre-warmed the van in the garage! so i came home and crashed back in the bed hoping to relieve my upheveled stomach... i tossed and turned in a restless sleep but it was enough to help me feel better a little...

i got a phone call then and had to go get my youngest from school... great - he is sick, vomitting .... grrrr when will they stop getting sick! they need a break from sickness as much as i need them to havea break! i drive to the school... no good i am having bad dizzy spells and nausea... i hope this goes away...hmmmm i realize i am very thirsty maybe dehydration? idk but after i get him from the office i grab 2 water bottles from the hatchback of the van... we both prob need to replenish... i take a sip and thats all i can muster or i might barf... he holds the bottle and lays back in the seat - he is asleep so quick... i decide i will take care of some errands i really have been procrastinating on just because i havent felt like dealing with it... it as to get done so i go to the YMCA where we havent been since like Aug and cancel the memebrship... i have a family membership at american family fitness and it is 24hrs and the boys can use all the equiptment where at the YMCA all they could basically do was use the pool... had to be 16 to use any equiptment...

next i  come home and leave my son resting on the couch while i drive 2 miles to the post office... on base as long as a child is 10 they can be alone up to 4 hrs without an adult - i only plan to be gone a few minutes to mail a package to hubby... i do so as quickly as the line wil let me and come home... when i get home he is sleeping on the couch so i get him up and bring him to my room where it is warm and we snuggle and drift off into dream land... it is near noon when we wake... wow the day is going by fairly fast right now... good - less triggers to cave in to...

i finally get out the bed and bring my laptop to my room and make me a protein shake(55) with chia seeds(25) = 80cals total... well im still working on it... the anxiety of having any calories in me is hard... im struggling with it and it just makes me really want to b/p... i am fighting... me and a good friend are doing the ABC together... we have to do this! i made food logs and a day calendar... we will fill in what food we ate each day - i am doing the print out and on the computer file... but i have both in case i am out when i have something i can write it down... i did ABC last yr - 13 days b/p free - i want to do better than that this yr! so for now, green tea and water every hr... less than 500 cals which will prob just be through protein shakes and chia seeds and then some coffee as well... i will burn the calories when i work out later... i wanted to go to the gymn but i guess thats out again since my baby is sick...

ABC FOOD LOG
DATE: DEC 15, 2010
ABC DAY: 2	CALORIES ALLOWED: 500
FOODS ↓:	CALORIES IN FOOD EATEN ↓:
chia seeds	25cals
protein shake	55 cals
water	1 bottle, 0 cals
DAILY TOTAL:

so to keep me busy, like my friend, i have made a 'to-do' list... this is my list for today:

YMCA  x

Post Office x

Game room - pickup, vaccum

Laundry

Kitchen - sink, counters, stove, sweep and mop

Livingroom - pickup, vaccum

Bathroom (dwstrs) - toilet, sink, sweep and mop

Upstairs - vaccum hallway and all bedrooms, put my laundry away

Bathroom (master) - toilet, sink, tub, sweep and mop

Read - text or a book of choice

Log in to school and do assignments, respond to posts x

Crochet - work on Brice's blanket

Workout - elliptical, zumba, situps, leg lifts

so the ones with red 'x' next to them i have already done prior to making this post... so here we go i hope i can be strong - logging out from blogging is when i tend to cave - not today... i wont let mia win... i will maybe eat something but the other rule -

NOTHING BUT WATER, TEA or COFFEE after 430pm - PERIOD...

anyone who feels like joining us in ABC please feel free - the more support the better!



ok so now it is 530pm and ive done fairly well... i did end up b/p once but thats way better than i have been doing... im still going to count it as a success as i did manage to keep the 80 cals down even if it was hard... here is what happened...

i had some of the noodles called miracle noodles - zero everything... i put in the skillet with some ponzu saudce (10cals) and some dried chives... the problem was when i started eating them for some reason they kept getting stuck in my throat and making me gag... this totally set me up and i ended up b/p on baked potatoes and purged the noodles and the potatoes... so it was less than 500cals anyway... just not successful with no b/p...if i had not been gagging on the noddles i think i could have made it completely... so i am facing the next challenge now - nothing after 430pm except water and green tea or coffee... so far no big issue... im working out now with my quick fix workout video... has several 10min segments that focus on particular sections of the body... ive done 40min and i will do the elliptical later when taps is on - i love that show and can focus on that while i workout and not get bored and hopefully not triggered either...bad thing is the elliptical is right next to the kitchen so i hope - no i know i will be strong enough... now that this day is nearly over - tomorrow should be easier...

NUTRITION FACTS

Serving Size: 3 oz (85 g)

Serving per Container: approx 2.5

Net wt. 7 oz (198 g)

Amount Per Serving
Calories	0
Calories From Fat	0
		% Daily Value
Total Fat	0 g	0 %
Saturated Fat	0 g	0 %
Trans Fat	0 g	0 %
Cholesterol	0 mg	0 %
Sodium	0 mg	0 %
Total Carbohydrate	<1 g	0 %
Dietary Fiber	0 g	0 %
Sugar	0 g
Protein	0 g
Vitamin A		0 %
Vitamin C		0 %
Calcium		0 %
Iron		8 %

INGREDIENTS

Purified water, yam flour, and hydrated lime.

• Product of USA
• Percent Daily Values (DV) are
  based on a 2,000 calorie diet

JFC White Shirataki Noodles Shirataki Noodles are healthy low carb noodles that taste great when combined with your favorite sauce. Shirataki noodles are a favorite of health-conscious eaters because they are fiber-rich and filling. These low fat noodles allow you to get your pasta fix without packing on the carbs. Shirataki Noodles have a unique aroma. *Parboiling before use is recommended to improve the texture. so all this said and done now - im tired and actually ready to sleep but think i may wait a bit... i really need to do that workout on the elliptical although i know i burned lots of cals with the video...

can i just start over?

today has not gone as planned - at all! so i had made my food log and i printed it out and was really planning to do the ABC today... well i got up triggered to no end and it did not work out! i have bp a few times today but no where like it has been lately so i guess at least that is a plus - idk yet...weight didnt budge but at least not up right? i have made the dieters tea - instead of lax think i will drink that tonight... i had a paper due in class yesterday i am so confused though i just cant seem to focus to get it done... it as to be in today if i dont i will never pass this class... not an option... this means so much to me - i really wanna be a therapist and work with those who have ed's - if they want help i know i would be good at it... just a matter of getting me to that point as well...
how i feel inside today? i am feeling really down and depressed... i do not cry but i have been feeling like i need to cry i need to just pour out and nothing happens... maybe my eyes will get wet and i have the achey feeling like i need to cry then i harden up and it goes away... im not sure what causes it - maybe i just cant be weak enough to cry...although crying in reality is what makes one stronger... ugh idk - i hope so much i can get ahold of this and really make this work... i am so tired of hoping and trying and epically failing...

redo the do over!

ok so the challnge has NOT been going so well... i hate being a failure and a liar... especially lieing to all my friends and then lieing to myself just makes it feel even worse...i keep letting everyone down to include me and it just feels like i am sinking into this hole and will never get out...
i guess this is really hard for a few reasons... i feel like all i ever do is make blind promises so why write it? i also have a really hard time writing what i eat down in my journal because it would be really embarrassing and disgusting if you had to read what i eat in one day... granted i may purge several times but it sometimes amounts to several thousand calories consumed in a day i am certain...here is an example of a binge...
i made 10 eggs with cheese and fat free sour cream for a binge... i ate some with some unsweetened almond milk and purged between each cup it was a total of 4 purges to finish the omlet - how disgusting and embarrassing is that?
So i am trying something new... i keep trying new things something has to help right? i mean something has to make things get better! so i have done ABC before but im going to try it again... last yr i did it and the first 3 days i lost 7lbs... i managed to do it for 13 days and was b/p free that 13 days as well...so maybe this is what i need to do?
day one is 500 cals... i am going to not try to reach that 500 cals though - i feel like that is too many... so i am going to aim for about 320 tomorrow or so - maybe a little more we will see how i feel with it... i know i can do a protein shake = 55 cals and add the chia seed powder which is 25cals... s thats 80 cals for one so if i have 4 thats 320 cals... i think i may add an apple to that later which would be 400 but i am not sure i want to add any... i also want to do the gymn and the elliptical in there to counter it... i am not sure if it will work but i am so desperate!