this fight is exhausting...

15 Oct, 2011
9:10am MOOD: determined, exhausted

i have actually been awake since about 7 but i was so exhausted i just lay in the bed tossing and turning until i was sick of it and got up... went downstairs and noone had eaten breakfast, they all came down after me...whatever i dont even care... im really not sure how today will go, lastnight i ended up bp on hotdogs and 2 slices of cheese (no breads)... i was really surprised at the numbers on the scale this morning but they were welcomed... i think im going to try to get some house work done bbl...

4:15pm MOOD: exhausted and still determined

ok so since my last part of this post i have managed to scrub the shower, toilet, sink, and counters. i also showered then put all my laundry away (only like 5 things) and then made the bed... vacuumed upstairs and downstairs, cleaned the downstairs bathroom, swept the kitchen and diningroom, baked muffins, made rice, moved foods into the house freezer from deep freeze, organized my desk and cleaned it off. i also baked fresh squash and potatoes and finished the last load of laundry... so i have been very busy and im so exhausted but pleased that i have been able to ignore B this whole time YAY! (im going to use the letter B = Bulimia from now on)... so im also making pizza for dinner tonight and that will be a HUGE challenge to not to eat and im going to have to figure out how to even get out of it but im determined to throw B out and this is the only way i can do it...

ive been having a very hard time with even making myself drink anything, ive made some tea today also so i have been trying to drink that, so far ive had almost 28oz today... at least its some but when i weighed it kind of freaked me out that the scale was up so much - i know that it is from the liquid though so im trying to be ok with it for now... tomorrow will be the test - if its still high i may freak out if its back down, i think ill be better able to have liquids tomorrow...

ive had so much energy even though i have been exhausted as well... and now i feel like im crashing - hard... i just want to sleep so maybe ill take a short nap? ill try to get back on later - but im not sure i will...

615pm MOOD: highly triggered - massive fighting urges... Very hard

ok so I am very triggered right now but I can't cave...I'm worried what will happen tomorrow? I'm scared of my weight as I checked and its up from only tea... So not cool. I made pizza for dinner and I chose to not have any...used the excuse of stomach acid - which is partially true as it is bad right now... But I also know if I even have 1 bite I will purge and I'm really trying not to today...its getting late and I normally don't eat so late so hoping I can fight through tomorrow... It puts me to 1x for 2 days now believe me my body needs this break - I've not gone this long in quite some time... So time for spending time watching NCIS with hubby....

not even baby steps - toe crawling?

today is friday 14 oct, 2011
2:15pm MOOD: anxious, worried, afraid

so well my last post didnt go through so well... that was because i was on my phone and it skipped to another section of the screen and i was unable to get back to where i needed and make corrections and publish... i decided lastnight to just post as it was and i did the other updates in word which i printed for my therapist... lets just pick up from today and pretend the rest of the week didnt exist?

ok so i cant do that - i know... so every day i have managed to keep bp right @ 3x... it sux - but at least it isnt more... i had the ANAD and it was ok... i mean there was only 4 of us there and i was able to bring up the issues with my middle son and the students teasing him about his weight and how that really affected his appetite and mood... great - i do NOT want or need them to help him develop and ed - he already has the predisposition seeing as it is partially geneteic - ugh....

i was able to keep myself from getting drunk the entire week - it was hard! i wanted to get drunk so many times but i didnt... then sunday as i had posted - i got my period at like 1pm... well the next day and every since - it has been gone... i was looking back over some notes of when i had my last one - aug 29th so this was was not only short it was late... cool  by me - i hate em anyway...

today was therapy... wow - it was a hard one for me...  i first went to martins before my session and while i was there had a mild panic /anxiety attack when i was trying to find maybe something i would eat and be able to keep down... honestly it scared the shit out of me and i left buying nothing... i walked next door to cvs and got my boys some gummy bears... i still had quite a while till my appt so i sat in the van and read my anorexia self-help workbook... it was 10min till session so i drove over and waited...

here's where it got tricky... i do NOT cry - EVER... i hate crying... when i cry i feel like a whiney baby and like i have no right to cry... well as we were talking about the week and then in deeper about ed... my feeling like i am not anything to worry about - im not that sick... there should be no concern... comments my boys made about my rib cage and my bones and my husband again as well... then there was the whole 2 new prs of pants i got that i was surprised fit and before i put them on they were small - after i had worn them they look huge... well as we were talking about my sons noticing and probably catching on about the ed - i nearly broke into tears... i hate this... i dont want them worried - i know my husband is...i know that my treatment team is concerned (? not sure this is the word i wanna use but all i can think of right now) i dont want my babies worried or concerned too - i dont want them to know about ed at all...

then we got into the issue that my youngest son actually weighs a little more than i do - his bmi is 20... he is healthy and perfect for his little body... so then why is my body so much bigger and more disgusting? why do i need to be smaller? i have no idea and honestly i dont know when it will ever be enough... she was telling me how the reason i am noticing the discomforts is because i am trying to recover... that means i am aware of feelings and pains/aches in my body i never really noticed before... idk it makes some sense but its just annoying...

we talked also about my always being cold... now i have always been that way... i have never really had issues like lately though where my legs and feet and hands turn purple and my lips start turning a purple / blue as well... no thats more cold than normal even for me... i sometimes get so cold i have to actually binge on something warm (ie: oatmeal) and then i purge but it starts the warming from the inside out - i can feel the warmth in my body and i start to feel better but usually the only thing that really usually works is sitting in the shower and plugging the bathtub... the water is usually actually fairly room temp but for me it feels like it is boiling until i start to warm again... the tingling in the arms and legs is bad lately too... like my hands will start to go numb and then they will tingle or if they are cold they tingle bad as they get warm... that is actually very uncomfortable...

i was thinking last night about my father - why i have no idea... cant stand the man or his family... regardless i was thinking about him and his wife... i was remembering how when i live with them i was 4" taller than her and only about 8lbs more... everyone used to comment about how small and thin she was... i never really thought it an issue for me because i was fatter - but in reality i was thinner... noone was worried or made those comments to me so it reinforced my thinking process that i was in fact fat... whats more is i eventually was even a smaller weight and i still wanted to lose more... not much has changed in that realm of thinking...

i know i cant lose more... but in 100% honesty - i want too... i want to lose like 25lbs more... would it kill me? probably or very close... i know i cant do it but in my head its all that comes about in my thinking is how much smaller can i get? all i really ever think about is when im going to eat and purge next or how can i get out of the next meal or get some extra workout in... it gets tiresome and i do so wish i didnt always have the constant battle going on... a little break would be so nice...

today is a very bad day for me though... i am highly triggered and honestly i dont want it changed... i want this feeling because it makes me not want to eat and not want to bp... i am worried though because i know how fast it makes me spiral... but maybe i will finally escape the grasps of bulimia? i dont know but i have hope and for now thats all i can hold on to...

im really struggling today with even drinking plain ol ice water... i want too - but i am so scared it will lead to a binge so im afraid to do it... ive managed about 20oz so far and i got some powerade zero and ive had one drink from that... we are making chili dogs for dinner - im not planning to eat... i have no idea yet how to get out of it - but i plan too... this will be my first day without mia interfering in a very long time and i really want this to work!

been thinking about making myself a time schedule for when i have to eat and also a basic menu of what i have to eat a each of those times... i was reading in the anorexia self-help book and it is called mechanical eatin - even if you dont want to or dont feel like it - you eat what you need to anyway... eventually it is supposed to get easier... i doubt that seeing as thats what they do when u r ip but i have tomake that next step some where...

all this past week since friday, i have managed to have something and not purge... granted sometimes it was just chewable viatmins and other times it was greeen tea mints... in fact yesterday i had the mints, the vitamin, gum and a flavored drink - all of which was throughout the day and i did not purge... i cant quite call it baby steps more like toe crawling - but its forward and not back at least!

ok here is another random thing... u know that fine downy hair supposedly we grow from being underweight and malnourished? i swear i have never had that - but then today i was reading that book and they describe it better and i was surprised when i had to admit i do have that! that is not a positive thing just something i had never realized before and i always thought well im just not sick or im over reacting to all this and its really nothing to worry about... if i could see what everyone else says they see - maybe it would be easier to combat... i have no idea... looking in the mirror when your child tells you u r too boney or your ribcage has a huge hole in it where your stomach should be and not seeing anything but rolls of globbed fat - it is very contradictory and confusing...

i suppose im going to go for now... i have been on here writting this for quit some time - it is nearly 3pm now! im tired and i think i need to laydown... im not triggered to eat im just triggered the opposite and for once - its nice...

when will i know?

it is monday early afternoon 3:44 pm exactly...
mood: tired, worried, feel like shit, achey all over

ok so lets go back a few days...yikes i have done badly with writting every day gotta do better from today on...so friday i had session and it was fairly - deep...there was a lot of discussion when it came to my binge drinking and after that was over the harder stuff...i mean the drinking is bad just not as bd as it can get so trying to catch it before it gets to bad and becomes another issue... so then we talked about the whol my needing to stay small and my reasons why i feel this way...there was a lot of discussion and deep thoughts i had to deal with...i had intended to do the workbooks for ed but well i still have not...i think it is the ed really holding  me hard and not giving me reaching or breathing room...that means when im trying to combat this dam disorder it is pushing against me and im not winning...i will just have to keep fighting i suppose...
so then friday night after 3 harsh bp sessions i was exhausted and feeling bad...my side was having pains and it was really bad in my lower left side - hoping not kidney infection...when i go to bed i decide im not going to drink tonight after all and so i do not.
in the morning my husband goes to work and i tried to sleep in - didnt work...i got up intending to have a bp free day and clean but well that didnt exactly happen...instead i started the bathroom and headed downstairs where i made foods to bp on without even thinking...im sitting down to eat and hubby comes home - very early and i feel trapped with whatever i had just eaten i knew had to get rid of it... so after a few min i decided to "startt cleaning" again and made my way to our bathroom and bedroom and i purged then put laundry away, vacuumed, and finished the counters in the bathroom...i felt better and i knew the day had to go on...i alternated between cleaning and bp and it ended up a 3x day again... i was in pain at bedtime from my lower back and side and although planning to ge drunk decided against it...
sunday morning i woke up and just felt like i could not sleep or get comfortable...i finally  managed to move around a bit, take a few short naps and of course bp 3x by the end of the day...again exhausted and having the same dam kidney di m pain i at least thought i knew why...my period had come on around 1pm - no wander i was so tired and having those dam crampy feelings... ugh... thought it wasnt due ye but i think its actually late?

sleepless nights and manic days...

447pm 06 oct 2011.....
mood: anxious, have pain, tired, still slightly manic...

so i could not sleep all night... i was so tired i went to bed at 730 and fell asleep fast with my meds and 10mg of melatonin... well then my husband woke up to go to work - he had to work a night shift for this army thing he is in charge of... anyway, when he got up i woke and i could not get back to sleep... at one time i did fall into a slight sleep and then i woke when i jumped in my sleep and bit my tongue... ive been having weird dreams and jumping a lot in my sleep lately... its weird...
ok so a few hrs have passed (715pm now) and let me say today has been a very long, anxiety filled triggered day full of b/p and personal disappointment... i wanted to make less than 3x i had done it since the 26th of sept but i didnt make it today... i say it is because i didnt sleep and the medications just didnt seem to help at all... idk... i will do better tomorrow though - i have too.
outside of this i really dont have much else to say except im reall confused with some crap my body is doing that makes no sense....
im worried about my friend who is fighting ed right now too - fighting for her life... bmi is 13.86 and she is getting a peg feeding tube... im scared - i dont want that to ever be me... but i dont want it to be her either - i know she needs it and she agreed to it because she doesnt want to die... i really pray she finds her way to escape ed and see what a wonderful person she is...
i have therapy tomorrow and i did do my work this week and i have really been trying... some days ive done much better than others but i havent given up and that was one of my goals... i also know i will be facing consequences for some personal choices i made during the week and well thats what happens when you make poor decisions... but then again - any decision has a consequence that will be dealt with... desired or not...
well my husband should be home soon - really late, supposed to be home at 1pm and go back to work tomorrow at 2am... now idk if they are making him still go back that early or not...
i guess im off till tomorrow hopefully for some sleep!

keep rolling along...

701pm...
mood: grrr... FAT, anxious, disgusting, nauseated, exhausted, failed - do i need to say more?

so ya - like the title says rolling on - i feel like im rolling or at the very least waddling... i feel disgusting and huge... i have failed at fasting and at trying to bp less than 3x - but i only did do 3x... my day was long... i took my son to the dr and i was doing good until... they had given me a paper said the appt was today but in the computer it was not until the 12th... the dr said she would give refills on the advair and fill out the asthma care plan since she saw him not too long ago - just come back at 1 for them... great... ok so i took him to the px where as we were climbing out of the van someone tells us it is closed - they have no power.... grrr... so now to make a change for his lunch - i was getting him subway in the px... he wanted chinese and i knew what that meant - oh well... took him to chinese, purged at the resteraunt and finished a few min later after we walked into books a million... i bought him a book and a cute journal for the lady at the hospital - she is so nice... she has been there since before we were assigned here the first time... she loves giraffes and her whole face lit up when she got the journal from my son... she has i think cerebral palsey and is in a wheel chair full time... she collects giraffes...

ok so we get the papers and now have to sit in the pharmacy for his meds... i was going to take him to the last hr of school but we would see after we waited... nope... was 215 when we left so no school for him and we went to the px real quick... while there i bought a bunch of 'junk food' knowing full on in the back of my mind what was going to happen as soon as i got home and it did... i bp on the circus peanuts and then some pasta and purged... my weight is only up.08 of a lb so i guess thats not bad probably from the water i drank... i did make my 64oz goal though... i guess thats good...
so now i am finishing this update, i already took night meds and im ready to sleep... my husband goes back to work at 1045 tonight and wont be home until after 1pm tomorrow afternoon... so i have no idea what im going to do with my time but i hope it involves activity, sleeping and no bp...

one thing i forgot to mention in here is that i did also update all my notebooks for my dr and therapist i also wrote my next months goals, my 3 personal goals and updated my past goals progresses...

then i had this sudden nagging and screaming question in my head - what is small enough? so far all the sizes and clothes have not been small enough... i look at people and i think wow i want to be that size and then i wonder - am i even near that or what do i need to do to get there? my goal is not really to lose more weight - if it happens im happy with that... but right now the goal is just to maintain... although i must be honest and say that when i gained due to my monthly cycle i freaked out and yes i did try and successfully lose it down again... but ive not gone under... so i think that is ok....

anyway... so for tonight... audios

is it really all THAT bad?? ***TRIGGERS****

so it is 807am...
mood: shitty

ok so u ask y shitty? im thrilled the number on the scale is back where it was a few weeks ago...that sudden jump up had me very freaked out even though i know it wasnt that much...i can still see the difference...ive not been putting weights because i dont want to it to be a trigger for anyone - even myself, however today for my own piece of mind im putting some numbers... thighs 16", waist 23", hips 23", chest 31"... bmi 15.8...wt:*** (im not putting the weight but i know what it is)

so now that i have all that down i look at those and i think wow! those r some good numbers! then those voices start screaming - not good enough! what will it take to make them happy??? IDK

lastnight...
ok so it was going pretty good... i was highly triggered though and was about to binge when hubby walked in the door - i decided not too...then im driving to group (which i facilitated since the regular person was in training at work) when i start with the light headedness, the silver stars and the shakey feeling - i feel the blood sugar slipping fast so i cave... i binged on circus peanuts and purged... it was a relief to get those feelings gone and to get the acid out of my stomach but then i was again a failure... however i reminded myself as long as i didnt do it again - 1x was a lot better than it has been!

945pm...
i get home from the group and im trying to be quiet - everyone was asleep...i hear my husband take the stairs down grrr i woke him... i feel bad when i wake him he has to get up so early... so i get my vitamins and take off my shoes and belt and head upstairs to get ready for bed and im bushed!
then comes the sleepless, restless, tossing and turning of the night.. .im so sick of not sleeping and im exhausted now!

today i have to take my son to the dr to get his advair filled and asthma careplan signed by the dr... then thats it for the day... im worried ill blow it and bp and then gain a ton and it scares the shit out of me! so for  now, goal: drink 64+ oz of water, chew gum and make it 1 breath at a time...

the tide is rushing in and i think im drowning...

640am 04 oct, 2011

im awake. its early. i hadto get my boys up so they could get ready for school. update this past few days - well ive made it a week with bp 3x a day - better but not good enough... today the goal is to fast. i have a friend also fasting with me. like ive said before fasting helps me not purge but then i have to figure out how to eat to make that effective.
lets see.... sat i got drunk as a skunk... i was extemely triggered and just didnt give a shit after the comment my husband made... let me skip back again to friday for a moment... ok so friday was payday. this meant the money was in the bank and i could do all the grocery shopping before and after my therapy session. so thats what i did...well after i came home  and put all the groceries away i made my way to the px and looked at ome clothes... i need some nice pants and tops not tshirts and jeans if im going to get a job. well i found these cute union bay pants. they are black pinstripped. low waisted which i dont care much for but these days not much choice... anyway the design is like a skinny pant and the material feels like slacks. i found 2 pairs one the smallest they had then one size up. thinking the smallest would not fit and knowing full on that would trigger me - i tried them on anyway. i think my jaw hit the floor! i pulled them up without even unbuttoning them! in fact i didnt even know that buttoned at first - i thought the button was design! well they were a little loose but way better than anything else i had so since they were on clearance for $5 i bought them... so skip backto sat... i showed my husband the pants and he says - they are nice. they look dressy enough so they should work when i get an interview.... well then i had washed them friday night so now they were dry and i decided to wear them with my black top. i put them on and although i didnt feel like they were small or cute anymore, i was ok with wearing them. they didnt looktoo tight and they werent dropping to the floor. then it came. m husband says those pants are horrible! they have no waist and look like they are falling off! you better wear a long shirt with them... oh boy.. i was triggered to hell and back now and my mood - in the toilet now.... so i grab a jacket that is nearby to cover my ass and make so the pants were only visible on my legs and we headed out to run a few errands i had missed the day before. the end of the day - i got drunk as a skunk, trying to forget and be numb, and threw the pants into the wash. i dont ever plan to wear them again.
then sunday - yikes... lets say i woke up early with massive headache/hangover and went back to sleep after sitting in the shower for an hr... next thing i knew it was 10am... i had to take the movie back to redbox so i did and the day, like sat, ended with 3x bp... so let me go back again and say i was supposed to go get labs on the 26th. i didnt. i was going to go friday but i got so busy i again didnt. aftergetting drunk on sat i was not going to go yesterday either, however when i woke i still was undecided. i came downstairs to get the boys ready and the next thing i knew my stomach was hurting and i was bent over purging - ya i binged. fuck. ok so i still went over and got right in to get my labs - i didnt even wait 5min. i knew this meant the glucose would be high and since i had gotten drunk i had decided to double a few of my supplements and make sure nothing was low so i was hoping it had worked... i left the hospital and was on my way to rite aid when my middle son calls and needs picked up - he is throwing up and has diahrea... grrrr... ok im on my way i tell him. after i get him i go to the riteaid, the bread store, the pawn shop and stop to get food at wendys. ya i know not the best choice for him but he was hungry and it was right there. he loves chicken sandwhiches so thas what we got - yep we... which of course meant it was time number 2 for bp... i got home as i was finishing the food then made some peanut butter toast and afterwards i purged... it actually felt god to be empty again but then the blackness came and i had to hold the door to keep from falling down. i hate that.
i left again this time to the px and then to the other pawn shop where i got his ipod back... on the way home i also stopped at my case managers (cm) office... i talked to her for a bit then came home...exhaustedand still triggered i got on my touchpad and started looking on craigslist for jobs and items people posted they want to buy... my husband is suddenly walking through the door - early! wow! i ask if he is off for the day and he says yes. i ask can he help me color my hair and he again says yes - after i get out of my uniform. of course - i would not exppect him to help in his uniform it could get stained which = ruined... he gets the dye all in my hair and i wait the 30min time... the whole while looking on craigslist and watching law and order... i rinse the hair and lay on my bed - exhausted. next thing i know - it is 5 pm...ooops! i fell asleep! i get up and glance at my hair in the mirror it is dark - it is black and it makes my eyes stand out and my face look pale. i dont care - i like it this way it matches my feelings...
i head downstairs and tell my husband i had fallen asleep. he comes and sits on the couch next to me with his arms wrapped around my waist - i love that. i feel safe... i have no idea what i am making for dinner... at 510 i say how about pizza? i can do that in 15 min... he says sure that sounds good... so i get the stuff ready and together we make the pizzas... i journal while they are cooking and tell my hubby im  not eating - i have a headache - which wa very true. i felt like my head was going to explode... he gives me a look so i cave in. i grab a plate and eat 2 slices then head upstairs and purge. grrr that makes it 3x now and it pisses me off... so instead of heading back downstairs, i grab my cup and make a vodka and sugar free (sf) hawaiian punch drink... im going to get drunk again... im disgusted and frustrated and pissed at myself and i need the 'high' from the alcohol - the break from my thoughts and my life.... i finish the drink and the boys are in bed and hubby comes in the room... things get 'busy' from there and i just float outside my body... im drunk and i dont care.... i get up and go to the bathroom - i puke the vodka drink. disgusting so acidy and it makes my teeth feel weird - but my stomach feels better and i just want to sleep... when i go back to the bed my husband is already there and says come over here... i said no i want to go to sleep. he says i want to hold you. i said ok come over here and turn the tv and light off then you can hold me. i cant sleep with all that stuff on... after a few minutes of his harrassing me we both scooted a bit and he turned everything off and wrapped both arms around me... he can reach all the way around with one arm now - i love it... that makes me feel safe and close and even somewhat small.... i dont know when i drifted off but sometime in there i did... i was up and down all night though kept using the bathroom... at 3 something i fb some friends i had texted with lastnight and apologized for my demeanor as in my brutal honesty and my downer repoire... idk if they will want to still be friends and i understand if they dont... i also explained i was um...slightly intoxicated...
one of the girls i talk to pretty regularly, she and i have pacted for today to fast together... i thought i would sleep most the day and it would be easy but that hasnt happened... i ws up at 5 and ive been up since doing things... ive caught up the laundry, put away all my laundry, picked the outfit for today, got all 3 boys ready for school and on the buses and even took my med... now i just have to stay strong the rest of the day...

i do have things to do:

1. go to the commisary for a few items they were out of on sunday and friday. maybe they have emtoday since yesterday was delivery and stock day.
2. my sons advair ran out so need to get filled at the pharmacy.
3. i need to organize the clothes im giving to the school because i am giving some of the tops to the girls at the ANAD.
4. i need to go to the bank and check out this person for a job - he paid me $400 for the week already but i am leery of illegal stuff and so is hubby so im going to check it out before i do anything.
5. i need to buy some tan and brown sox - i dont have any.
6. shoe carnival to return my boots - they hurt my feet. maybe ill get some red shoes if i can find some!
7. call barnes and noble about the nook boo i ordered.
8. work on cleaning the house when i get home. tis place is a mess!
9. find something and get it started for dinner tonight.
10. ANAD

ok so i also need to update my therapy notebooks. i figured out my goals and stuff and i wrote it in my journal but now i need to actually document them.

oh and before i forgot - the dr'ing of the labs although not condoned - it worked and things came back fairly ok...

also i was thinking while putting my laundry away... i was thinking about how exspensive clothes are... this made me go back to my childhood and how we never had much money so buying new clothes was often not an option... this made me think maybe that is another reason i need to be small? i need to not have to buy more clothes... things need to always fit so we dont waste the money... idk it made sense in my head but now that i type it here it seems kind of dumb...

so time to get myself going and get things done... ill try to post more later if not then tomorrow...

so someone posted this on fb and i had to share it here because THIS is what i see when i look at myself... this is how scary and disgusting i look to me... anyone scared? (btw she IS wearing pants - they are leggings!)

GROSS!!!

 

********UPDATE********

ok so now it is 240pm...
so far today ive managed to have 48oz of ice cold water... ive been triggered as hell and been able to resist... i went to walmart, target then the commisary, home, the hospital for med refills for my son, then home with hubby for 1.5hrs. next i went to shoe carnival and exchanged my boots that were defective, target to use their bathroom (thought i would explode otherwise!), the bank (i had to hand them some items including emails and a fraudulant check i received via fed ex on sat), then back to the hospital to see my cm again about my appt and my labs... i needed to know if i was going to need to redo them since it will be 3weeks before my appt... then i came home... i forwarded all the remaining emails to the bank manager, put water on to boil for the dinner tonight and sat down to update this days progress... in all today has been very busy and ive not given in to mia! im having a hard time as i am still home alone and it is ever so triggering when im feeling as i do right now... very dark and down, but i have to keep fighting or this will never get under control and out of my life.
i have ANAD tonight and the lady who is the leader/moderator texted me asking if i can bring some resourceful info tonight... i said yes. so i need to print out the webinar and then im bringing my ed resource book and my 2 ed workbooks that are self-help... she said that would be perfect... i think now after ive finished making the dinner i might try for a short nap before i have to head out tonight... im exhausted and besides usually makes the time go by faster when i sleep!