is it really all THAT bad?? ***TRIGGERS****

so it is 807am...
mood: shitty

ok so u ask y shitty? im thrilled the number on the scale is back where it was a few weeks ago...that sudden jump up had me very freaked out even though i know it wasnt that much...i can still see the difference...ive not been putting weights because i dont want to it to be a trigger for anyone - even myself, however today for my own piece of mind im putting some numbers... thighs 16", waist 23", hips 23", chest 31"... bmi 15.8...wt:*** (im not putting the weight but i know what it is)

so now that i have all that down i look at those and i think wow! those r some good numbers! then those voices start screaming - not good enough! what will it take to make them happy??? IDK

lastnight...
ok so it was going pretty good... i was highly triggered though and was about to binge when hubby walked in the door - i decided not too...then im driving to group (which i facilitated since the regular person was in training at work) when i start with the light headedness, the silver stars and the shakey feeling - i feel the blood sugar slipping fast so i cave... i binged on circus peanuts and purged... it was a relief to get those feelings gone and to get the acid out of my stomach but then i was again a failure... however i reminded myself as long as i didnt do it again - 1x was a lot better than it has been!

945pm...
i get home from the group and im trying to be quiet - everyone was asleep...i hear my husband take the stairs down grrr i woke him... i feel bad when i wake him he has to get up so early... so i get my vitamins and take off my shoes and belt and head upstairs to get ready for bed and im bushed!
then comes the sleepless, restless, tossing and turning of the night.. .im so sick of not sleeping and im exhausted now!

today i have to take my son to the dr to get his advair filled and asthma careplan signed by the dr... then thats it for the day... im worried ill blow it and bp and then gain a ton and it scares the shit out of me! so for  now, goal: drink 64+ oz of water, chew gum and make it 1 breath at a time...