awake with hope for a "0" day

750am Oct 27, 2011
MOOD: a little jopeful, determined, anxious

so i am awake and i have a lot to do... i have already taken my meds - yay! (finally remembered!) i took my middle son to school - he looked SO handsome! he was all decked in his JROTC class A uniform - thats the dress suit he looked sharp! idk something about my boys and hubby all dressed up gets me all fluttery in my tummy! let me just add - my husband looks mmm good in his! ok enough of that...

so i also have already completed my update from lastnight... i had to leave near the end as he was standing in here over my shoulder and i just couldnt write so i posted and decided to finish it this am... done now... i have also already put a pot of rice in the cooker... my boys LOVE rice! so i normally keep a container of rice in the fridge that they can eat when they need a quick healthy snack and they love to eat it for breakfast... so yep it will be ready soon...

so yesterday ended not so great as far as bp goes - there was 4x... grrr i hate when i forget my meds it totally screws me up with the control over the thoughts and behaviors of bp... when i take it - i get the cravings a little bit but usually can mostly make myself wait and determine if that is really what i want or at least limit the times i do it... i guess though 4x is really not as bad as it could be!

so my title is  'hope for a "0"' day - this is because my hope and my goal for today - is to have 0 bp... now a while back i was able to eat 500 or less cals a day and i was not bp with it... i am not sure how i did it then - but i am hoping i can start to fall into that again... i have to work at the book fair for my middle son today at 11am this means for that time i will be so busy that bp wont be an option... in addition i have no $ to spend so cant stop and buy anything to bp on... if i decide to bp - it will have to be at home and i will have to make something... im sleepy right now, i know i will be when i get home so i dont think ill feel much like making anything to eat... which in turns = no bp... the only challenge after that then is dinner and the night time hrs before i go to bed - those have been hard for me the past few months... this past couple of weels though eating after 4pm has not been allowed - except lastnight, so i think i can do this if i really push... i really do want to be healthy and to be some what normal - i am just really struggling with how to do it... i feel like i cant do this on my own and it scares me to think what is going to happen if i keep going like this...

after all my weird feelings yesterday im scared of passing out or of even dieing and my boys finding me... i dont want that - that would be the worst thing ever... so i got some letters from remuda ranch - unfortunately the program in Va Beach closed last year so now they are only in Az... however they sent me some letters about they have a bunch of new insurance contracts with covverage for residential... i posted a message to their page about it asking if tricare is now accepted or not... id like to know i have that option if some how i change my mine... i know i am getting to a point where i may not have an option if i cant get better control soon...

i have been having really bad stomach pains when i eat or drink anything with calories - sometimes even tea or water are doing it... but these pains are really bad and i walk - sometimes run to the bathroom barely closing the door and everything is back up in a matter of sseconds... other times this pain is making so it hurts to even walk and i am unable to eat anything... when i try to eat my stomach flops and i about hurl nothing but the acid building in my gut at that moment... i feel like i have no chance because everything is backfiring on me...

tuesday at the meeting we discussed about how we told our parents and stuff... i was open about how my father found out and said it was just a phase and id outgrow it - obviously he knows everything... i also told them my fears of talking to my family on the phone... they most said they had a difficult time revealing their ed to their fam and most their fam took it with the what do we d first to help attitudes... some like my mother - which i also said i have no idea how she found out and just showed up at Del Amo one day while i was there, with my grandmother - i was so embarrassed, anxious and upset! anyway - i told them how even talking to my mom on the phone really triggers me because i am scared of being like her... one of the other girls completely related - she is petrified of becoming her mother... i also talked about how i dont discuss it with my mom - it is not a topic for us because it triggers me and also because she always blames herself, giving me guilt for letting her feel that and also she wants to know what she did to make me do this... some of the girls said thats what their parents asked as well... i guess its just nice to know im not alone with some of this shit...

i guess today i will go se my CM again as i had told her i would yesterday and i didnt go anywhere - i was too weirdish feeling! waiting for the counselor at my school to email me back how to get this paperwork to her - hopefully i will be starting school like next week or so! something to busy my time i think it will really help! also i am texting with a girl from the meeting and we r going to get together (maybe today?) and im going to try to teach her to crochet. this should be funs seeing as i only learned by looking at something and then my hands just did it... i think since she knows how to knit though - it should be a little easier for her to learn...

hmmm ok so my weight - i guess i will say that i have maintained - this is ok i suppose... i really was "hoping" for something smaller - but i know i cant try for it so not losing is the way it needs to become comfortable... comfortable in this body - this fat and grossness - i dont know if it will ever happen... i hate all of it and just wish i could peel myself apart to be someone else that i at least like and can bear and maybe eventually even love...

self punishment today - i have to be very careful with this... i am very triggered to cut to keep myself in check with the bp... i cant fall back to this - it is not safe and i get in a lot of trouble when i start... usually it becomes an addiction the first time because i recognize the relief from the pain and i dont want to let it go... i hope for strength to keep from my blaades...

have therapy tomorrow... will be up to go there and i hope i can just be strong and do what needs to be done today... so for now - i am going to start getting stuff done - away from the kitchen and food which i am feeling highly triggered from right now... i will add more to today through another post update later (i think this one is long enough!)... hope you all have a wonderful day!