not even baby steps - toe crawling?

today is friday 14 oct, 2011
2:15pm MOOD: anxious, worried, afraid

so well my last post didnt go through so well... that was because i was on my phone and it skipped to another section of the screen and i was unable to get back to where i needed and make corrections and publish... i decided lastnight to just post as it was and i did the other updates in word which i printed for my therapist... lets just pick up from today and pretend the rest of the week didnt exist?

ok so i cant do that - i know... so every day i have managed to keep bp right @ 3x... it sux - but at least it isnt more... i had the ANAD and it was ok... i mean there was only 4 of us there and i was able to bring up the issues with my middle son and the students teasing him about his weight and how that really affected his appetite and mood... great - i do NOT want or need them to help him develop and ed - he already has the predisposition seeing as it is partially geneteic - ugh....

i was able to keep myself from getting drunk the entire week - it was hard! i wanted to get drunk so many times but i didnt... then sunday as i had posted - i got my period at like 1pm... well the next day and every since - it has been gone... i was looking back over some notes of when i had my last one - aug 29th so this was was not only short it was late... cool  by me - i hate em anyway...

today was therapy... wow - it was a hard one for me...  i first went to martins before my session and while i was there had a mild panic /anxiety attack when i was trying to find maybe something i would eat and be able to keep down... honestly it scared the shit out of me and i left buying nothing... i walked next door to cvs and got my boys some gummy bears... i still had quite a while till my appt so i sat in the van and read my anorexia self-help workbook... it was 10min till session so i drove over and waited...

here's where it got tricky... i do NOT cry - EVER... i hate crying... when i cry i feel like a whiney baby and like i have no right to cry... well as we were talking about the week and then in deeper about ed... my feeling like i am not anything to worry about - im not that sick... there should be no concern... comments my boys made about my rib cage and my bones and my husband again as well... then there was the whole 2 new prs of pants i got that i was surprised fit and before i put them on they were small - after i had worn them they look huge... well as we were talking about my sons noticing and probably catching on about the ed - i nearly broke into tears... i hate this... i dont want them worried - i know my husband is...i know that my treatment team is concerned (? not sure this is the word i wanna use but all i can think of right now) i dont want my babies worried or concerned too - i dont want them to know about ed at all...

then we got into the issue that my youngest son actually weighs a little more than i do - his bmi is 20... he is healthy and perfect for his little body... so then why is my body so much bigger and more disgusting? why do i need to be smaller? i have no idea and honestly i dont know when it will ever be enough... she was telling me how the reason i am noticing the discomforts is because i am trying to recover... that means i am aware of feelings and pains/aches in my body i never really noticed before... idk it makes some sense but its just annoying...

we talked also about my always being cold... now i have always been that way... i have never really had issues like lately though where my legs and feet and hands turn purple and my lips start turning a purple / blue as well... no thats more cold than normal even for me... i sometimes get so cold i have to actually binge on something warm (ie: oatmeal) and then i purge but it starts the warming from the inside out - i can feel the warmth in my body and i start to feel better but usually the only thing that really usually works is sitting in the shower and plugging the bathtub... the water is usually actually fairly room temp but for me it feels like it is boiling until i start to warm again... the tingling in the arms and legs is bad lately too... like my hands will start to go numb and then they will tingle or if they are cold they tingle bad as they get warm... that is actually very uncomfortable...

i was thinking last night about my father - why i have no idea... cant stand the man or his family... regardless i was thinking about him and his wife... i was remembering how when i live with them i was 4" taller than her and only about 8lbs more... everyone used to comment about how small and thin she was... i never really thought it an issue for me because i was fatter - but in reality i was thinner... noone was worried or made those comments to me so it reinforced my thinking process that i was in fact fat... whats more is i eventually was even a smaller weight and i still wanted to lose more... not much has changed in that realm of thinking...

i know i cant lose more... but in 100% honesty - i want too... i want to lose like 25lbs more... would it kill me? probably or very close... i know i cant do it but in my head its all that comes about in my thinking is how much smaller can i get? all i really ever think about is when im going to eat and purge next or how can i get out of the next meal or get some extra workout in... it gets tiresome and i do so wish i didnt always have the constant battle going on... a little break would be so nice...

today is a very bad day for me though... i am highly triggered and honestly i dont want it changed... i want this feeling because it makes me not want to eat and not want to bp... i am worried though because i know how fast it makes me spiral... but maybe i will finally escape the grasps of bulimia? i dont know but i have hope and for now thats all i can hold on to...

im really struggling today with even drinking plain ol ice water... i want too - but i am so scared it will lead to a binge so im afraid to do it... ive managed about 20oz so far and i got some powerade zero and ive had one drink from that... we are making chili dogs for dinner - im not planning to eat... i have no idea yet how to get out of it - but i plan too... this will be my first day without mia interfering in a very long time and i really want this to work!

been thinking about making myself a time schedule for when i have to eat and also a basic menu of what i have to eat a each of those times... i was reading in the anorexia self-help book and it is called mechanical eatin - even if you dont want to or dont feel like it - you eat what you need to anyway... eventually it is supposed to get easier... i doubt that seeing as thats what they do when u r ip but i have tomake that next step some where...

all this past week since friday, i have managed to have something and not purge... granted sometimes it was just chewable viatmins and other times it was greeen tea mints... in fact yesterday i had the mints, the vitamin, gum and a flavored drink - all of which was throughout the day and i did not purge... i cant quite call it baby steps more like toe crawling - but its forward and not back at least!

ok here is another random thing... u know that fine downy hair supposedly we grow from being underweight and malnourished? i swear i have never had that - but then today i was reading that book and they describe it better and i was surprised when i had to admit i do have that! that is not a positive thing just something i had never realized before and i always thought well im just not sick or im over reacting to all this and its really nothing to worry about... if i could see what everyone else says they see - maybe it would be easier to combat... i have no idea... looking in the mirror when your child tells you u r too boney or your ribcage has a huge hole in it where your stomach should be and not seeing anything but rolls of globbed fat - it is very contradictory and confusing...

i suppose im going to go for now... i have been on here writting this for quit some time - it is nearly 3pm now! im tired and i think i need to laydown... im not triggered to eat im just triggered the opposite and for once - its nice...