this fight is exhausting...

15 Oct, 2011
9:10am MOOD: determined, exhausted

i have actually been awake since about 7 but i was so exhausted i just lay in the bed tossing and turning until i was sick of it and got up... went downstairs and noone had eaten breakfast, they all came down after me...whatever i dont even care... im really not sure how today will go, lastnight i ended up bp on hotdogs and 2 slices of cheese (no breads)... i was really surprised at the numbers on the scale this morning but they were welcomed... i think im going to try to get some house work done bbl...

4:15pm MOOD: exhausted and still determined

ok so since my last part of this post i have managed to scrub the shower, toilet, sink, and counters. i also showered then put all my laundry away (only like 5 things) and then made the bed... vacuumed upstairs and downstairs, cleaned the downstairs bathroom, swept the kitchen and diningroom, baked muffins, made rice, moved foods into the house freezer from deep freeze, organized my desk and cleaned it off. i also baked fresh squash and potatoes and finished the last load of laundry... so i have been very busy and im so exhausted but pleased that i have been able to ignore B this whole time YAY! (im going to use the letter B = Bulimia from now on)... so im also making pizza for dinner tonight and that will be a HUGE challenge to not to eat and im going to have to figure out how to even get out of it but im determined to throw B out and this is the only way i can do it...

ive been having a very hard time with even making myself drink anything, ive made some tea today also so i have been trying to drink that, so far ive had almost 28oz today... at least its some but when i weighed it kind of freaked me out that the scale was up so much - i know that it is from the liquid though so im trying to be ok with it for now... tomorrow will be the test - if its still high i may freak out if its back down, i think ill be better able to have liquids tomorrow...

ive had so much energy even though i have been exhausted as well... and now i feel like im crashing - hard... i just want to sleep so maybe ill take a short nap? ill try to get back on later - but im not sure i will...

615pm MOOD: highly triggered - massive fighting urges... Very hard

ok so I am very triggered right now but I can't cave...I'm worried what will happen tomorrow? I'm scared of my weight as I checked and its up from only tea... So not cool. I made pizza for dinner and I chose to not have any...used the excuse of stomach acid - which is partially true as it is bad right now... But I also know if I even have 1 bite I will purge and I'm really trying not to today...its getting late and I normally don't eat so late so hoping I can fight through tomorrow... It puts me to 1x for 2 days now believe me my body needs this break - I've not gone this long in quite some time... So time for spending time watching NCIS with hubby....