can somebody please...

Friday 21 Oct, 2011
4:40pm   MOOD: determined, anxious, scared...

ok so id like for somebody to come take over my body and mind for a while - please?! im really not doing so great here and im not sure what i want anymore...

let me go back - ok so i was surprised when my dumb period started monday - i  mean hello? i thought i wasnt going to get it since i hadnt yet and it was like 2 weeks late... but i also thought maybe since the lower weight? well i had lost it before from the lower weight but now with the prozac - i think im gonna get it no matter what weight... oh well...

so sunday i decided (like an idiot!) to NOT take my meds... i wanted to challenge myself - see that i can do everything WITHOUT the medication - BAD let me restate that BAD IDEA!!! ya it ened up being like nonstop b/p and i was sick as shit when i went to bed... my head hurt and i was exhausted to the point i could barely keep my eyes open.

so enough of that nonsesne... monday morning came and i was just as exhausted as when i woke and i really just wanted to sleep - so after the boys went to shool - i went back to bed... when i got up i took my meds and lets just say the b/p was way better! i was really achey and crampy and i was like wtf?? then when the cycle hit - well i knew y and i just tried to relax... i took 800mg motrin and it didnt even make a dent in the dumb pains i was having... i was actually debating going to the dr...

tuesday morning came and still the bad pains and cramping but at least i knew y... i got the boys to school then i lay back down and looked up some stuff on craigslist then started to fall asleep so i locked the phone and dozed off... about 37min later my phone rang- my son was in the nurses office because he was vommitting all over the place... i went to get him and while there made it a worthwhile trip in that i also dropped off all my "fat clothes" to the school for their teens... yes - for me they were my fat clothes, i suppose for othes they are a normal decent size but i dont want them around because i dont want an excuse to fit them again! when it all comes down to it - ive nearly lost ** lbs (sorry no numbers) which has ultimately put me to my lowest since moving here and almost to my lowest since 2004... im not sure ill make it to that - but i wish i could, logically im trying to not let myself have permission... my son needs to work on his 1mile run time so we went to the track and he ran a mile - i walked because running hurts my foot too much...

ANAD was tonight and it was ok... i sat in the hall a bit doing some of my workbooks until one of them triggered me and i decided it was time to put it away... then it was time for the meeting, and noone was there yet... a few min later 2 other girls showed so we went into the room and then the moderator and the Dr showed and it was time to do the group... well... the conversation was not much on me - i really didnt feel like talking... i was glad when it was tie to head home... what i did find interesting was that the past month or so weeks (?) i had been b/p before or on the drive up - this time i refused to let myself and i won! kiss that BN! 

wednesday was another day where things were ok - just really exhausted still... hate feeling so tired and im ready for some energy back! ive realy had like NO TIME with my husband because of his suckish work schedule right now - in at 230am and home after 7-8pm... its really annoying but - the cable internet went down today and they said it will probably be down or off and on until saturday sometime... when he actually got home at 5pm he came and sat on the couch with me... we put in "Ghost Rider" with Nicholas Cage and watched it... at the end - we went to bed... i hit the pillow and was out but tossed and turned a lot... he slept like a rock...

thursday well this day was a big mistake from the wakeup... ugh... i woke up and then got the boys to the bus... i was planning to take a snooze for a bit but i couldnt so i took a long shower to get warm and then headed to run some errands... i dont remember too much of the early part of the day but i ended up from somewhere around 1pm till i went to bed at 830pm b/p 3x... i was frustrated because i didnt want too but i had like no control - it was like i was watchingthis person eat and puke and it was making me angry... then i realized i didnt take my meds in the am grrr.... ok i will deff take friday morning meds!

so we come to today... yep it started early and is still going on... feels like it may never come to an end! i woke this am to get the boys to school and then i lay on the couch for a bit - i was trying to go to sleep and relaxing after having taken my meds... i just didnt want to bp and was fighting hard.... suddenly my husband was home for a few minutes so i lay with him on the bed for a few minutes - i just wanted to be held a little while and he wanted to hold me... well he had to get up because he had to ge his other clothes on and get to work... thats ok i needed to get my stuff together and head out anyway... i had therapy this am and was planning to stop at martins and see what they had on their clearance rack.... i made the drive and with all the traffic was about 25min early so i went to martins quickly and bought lots of breads really quick - only spent $5! i got 2x 12grain loaves, 1x Italian loaf, 3x honey wheat sandwhich thins, steak rolls, wheat sub rolls, and 2x kaiser large dinner rolls! what a deal! anyway - i quickly left and parked at my therapists office... i listened to some music for a few minutes and also made sure my med notebook was updated then it was time to talk.... i was tired and my head was pounding... not to mention i was a little dizzy - from the headache which i decided was a migraine... in my appt i was able to somewhat ignore it as her office is lit but not super bright and no lights or sun in my face....

1100am MOOD: anxious, triggered, tired, determined

so im 'free' (lol) and i drive home... now here is the challnging part - i am triggered to bp but at the same time i really am repulsed by the thought of any food in my mouth or body... so i make the stop at walmart and get a bag of chips for hubby and some almond milk for me (35cals a cup) now hopefully ill drink it without it being a purge after...

i pull into the driveway thinking i was going to go to the pawn shop to get another loan to have gas and food for the rest of the month when my hubby's car is parked on the side... grrr... i mean i want to see him i just was not expecting him until 2 and that sort of messed up my schedule... when i get in the house i quickly put the breads away and tell him what is for dinner and then sit on the couch... i was a little out of breath from moving so much so fast and i was feeling a bit lightheaded seeing as i was feeling really dehydrated - and the migraine, ya those togethr dont help anything... he told me he was home until 1pm so i was like ok... in my head i rethunk my schedule and was ok... he actually left at 1215pm when his 1st sgt called and he was told everyone needed to be back now... worked better for me anyway that way...

i went and got the loan, stopped at the grocery store and then got some fuel and came home... i put everything away, drank a sip of tea and lay on the couch then sons started coming through the door oldest, middle then youngest... told them there were snacks in the drawers if they wanted to have one... my youngest came and lay on my side for a bit but said my hipbone was hurting him so he got up and sat at the end of the couch... a few min later, about 345pm-ish, my hubby came home... well dinner changed just a little... he had 2 huge plates of bbq'd pork chops... so instead of them havin chicken patty sandwiches - they can have porkchop sandwiches...

well time has gone by - obviously and i made my son his dinner...i had a VERY hard time letting myself make the food and TOUCH it... i just reminded myself it wouldnt hurt me jut to make it and i finally finished and came to my desk... i relaxed a little and the breathing got a little better... a bit later, about 430pm my hubby said he was making a sandwich for himself did i want one? i said no i ate a chop while making my son's dinner and he was ok with that.. i did cut some tomatoe for him and cleaned and cored the lettuce then came back to my computer to do this writting... i needed to get my head away from food because i was really craving to cave in to bp...

well it is now 536pm MOOD: determined, anxious, nervouse, scared, worried

 i have managed to have 1cup of tea and 1 stick of gum today... my migraine is still here and rather annoying... it is making me also nauseated so i just dont want to eat anyway... im also having really bad cramps which is odd seeing as my cycle should nearly be done...

im really nervouse and anxious about monday - totally NOT looking forward to it... i have to do the weight check andi tried to get out of it - didnt work... then i have to start the abuse group monday night... nope - DEFFINATELY NOT looking forward to monday...