640am 04 oct, 2011
im awake. its early. i hadto get my boys up so they could get ready for school. update this past few days - well ive made it a week with bp 3x a day - better but not good enough... today the goal is to fast. i have a friend also fasting with me. like ive said before fasting helps me not purge but then i have to figure out how to eat to make that effective.
lets see.... sat i got drunk as a skunk... i was extemely triggered and just didnt give a shit after the comment my husband made... let me skip back again to friday for a moment... ok so friday was payday. this meant the money was in the bank and i could do all the grocery shopping before and after my therapy session. so thats what i did...well after i came home and put all the groceries away i made my way to the px and looked at ome clothes... i need some nice pants and tops not tshirts and jeans if im going to get a job. well i found these cute union bay pants. they are black pinstripped. low waisted which i dont care much for but these days not much choice... anyway the design is like a skinny pant and the material feels like slacks. i found 2 pairs one the smallest they had then one size up. thinking the smallest would not fit and knowing full on that would trigger me - i tried them on anyway. i think my jaw hit the floor! i pulled them up without even unbuttoning them! in fact i didnt even know that buttoned at first - i thought the button was design! well they were a little loose but way better than anything else i had so since they were on clearance for $5 i bought them... so skip backto sat... i showed my husband the pants and he says - they are nice. they look dressy enough so they should work when i get an interview.... well then i had washed them friday night so now they were dry and i decided to wear them with my black top. i put them on and although i didnt feel like they were small or cute anymore, i was ok with wearing them. they didnt looktoo tight and they werent dropping to the floor. then it came. m husband says those pants are horrible! they have no waist and look like they are falling off! you better wear a long shirt with them... oh boy.. i was triggered to hell and back now and my mood - in the toilet now.... so i grab a jacket that is nearby to cover my ass and make so the pants were only visible on my legs and we headed out to run a few errands i had missed the day before. the end of the day - i got drunk as a skunk, trying to forget and be numb, and threw the pants into the wash. i dont ever plan to wear them again.
then sunday - yikes... lets say i woke up early with massive headache/hangover and went back to sleep after sitting in the shower for an hr... next thing i knew it was 10am... i had to take the movie back to redbox so i did and the day, like sat, ended with 3x bp... so let me go back again and say i was supposed to go get labs on the 26th. i didnt. i was going to go friday but i got so busy i again didnt. aftergetting drunk on sat i was not going to go yesterday either, however when i woke i still was undecided. i came downstairs to get the boys ready and the next thing i knew my stomach was hurting and i was bent over purging - ya i binged. fuck. ok so i still went over and got right in to get my labs - i didnt even wait 5min. i knew this meant the glucose would be high and since i had gotten drunk i had decided to double a few of my supplements and make sure nothing was low so i was hoping it had worked... i left the hospital and was on my way to rite aid when my middle son calls and needs picked up - he is throwing up and has diahrea... grrrr... ok im on my way i tell him. after i get him i go to the riteaid, the bread store, the pawn shop and stop to get food at wendys. ya i know not the best choice for him but he was hungry and it was right there. he loves chicken sandwhiches so thas what we got - yep we... which of course meant it was time number 2 for bp... i got home as i was finishing the food then made some peanut butter toast and afterwards i purged... it actually felt god to be empty again but then the blackness came and i had to hold the door to keep from falling down. i hate that.
i left again this time to the px and then to the other pawn shop where i got his ipod back... on the way home i also stopped at my case managers (cm) office... i talked to her for a bit then came home...exhaustedand still triggered i got on my touchpad and started looking on craigslist for jobs and items people posted they want to buy... my husband is suddenly walking through the door - early! wow! i ask if he is off for the day and he says yes. i ask can he help me color my hair and he again says yes - after i get out of my uniform. of course - i would not exppect him to help in his uniform it could get stained which = ruined... he gets the dye all in my hair and i wait the 30min time... the whole while looking on craigslist and watching law and order... i rinse the hair and lay on my bed - exhausted. next thing i know - it is 5 pm...ooops! i fell asleep! i get up and glance at my hair in the mirror it is dark - it is black and it makes my eyes stand out and my face look pale. i dont care - i like it this way it matches my feelings...
i head downstairs and tell my husband i had fallen asleep. he comes and sits on the couch next to me with his arms wrapped around my waist - i love that. i feel safe... i have no idea what i am making for dinner... at 510 i say how about pizza? i can do that in 15 min... he says sure that sounds good... so i get the stuff ready and together we make the pizzas... i journal while they are cooking and tell my hubby im not eating - i have a headache - which wa very true. i felt like my head was going to explode... he gives me a look so i cave in. i grab a plate and eat 2 slices then head upstairs and purge. grrr that makes it 3x now and it pisses me off... so instead of heading back downstairs, i grab my cup and make a vodka and sugar free (sf) hawaiian punch drink... im going to get drunk again... im disgusted and frustrated and pissed at myself and i need the 'high' from the alcohol - the break from my thoughts and my life.... i finish the drink and the boys are in bed and hubby comes in the room... things get 'busy' from there and i just float outside my body... im drunk and i dont care.... i get up and go to the bathroom - i puke the vodka drink. disgusting so acidy and it makes my teeth feel weird - but my stomach feels better and i just want to sleep... when i go back to the bed my husband is already there and says come over here... i said no i want to go to sleep. he says i want to hold you. i said ok come over here and turn the tv and light off then you can hold me. i cant sleep with all that stuff on... after a few minutes of his harrassing me we both scooted a bit and he turned everything off and wrapped both arms around me... he can reach all the way around with one arm now - i love it... that makes me feel safe and close and even somewhat small.... i dont know when i drifted off but sometime in there i did... i was up and down all night though kept using the bathroom... at 3 something i fb some friends i had texted with lastnight and apologized for my demeanor as in my brutal honesty and my downer repoire... idk if they will want to still be friends and i understand if they dont... i also explained i was um...slightly intoxicated...
one of the girls i talk to pretty regularly, she and i have pacted for today to fast together... i thought i would sleep most the day and it would be easy but that hasnt happened... i ws up at 5 and ive been up since doing things... ive caught up the laundry, put away all my laundry, picked the outfit for today, got all 3 boys ready for school and on the buses and even took my med... now i just have to stay strong the rest of the day...
i do have things to do:
1. go to the commisary for a few items they were out of on sunday and friday. maybe they have emtoday since yesterday was delivery and stock day.
2. my sons advair ran out so need to get filled at the pharmacy.
3. i need to organize the clothes im giving to the school because i am giving some of the tops to the girls at the ANAD.
4. i need to go to the bank and check out this person for a job - he paid me $400 for the week already but i am leery of illegal stuff and so is hubby so im going to check it out before i do anything.
5. i need to buy some tan and brown sox - i dont have any.
6. shoe carnival to return my boots - they hurt my feet. maybe ill get some red shoes if i can find some!
7. call barnes and noble about the nook boo i ordered.
8. work on cleaning the house when i get home. tis place is a mess!
9. find something and get it started for dinner tonight.
10. ANAD
ok so i also need to update my therapy notebooks. i figured out my goals and stuff and i wrote it in my journal but now i need to actually document them.
oh and before i forgot - the dr'ing of the labs although not condoned - it worked and things came back fairly ok...
also i was thinking while putting my laundry away... i was thinking about how exspensive clothes are... this made me go back to my childhood and how we never had much money so buying new clothes was often not an option... this made me think maybe that is another reason i need to be small? i need to not have to buy more clothes... things need to always fit so we dont waste the money... idk it made sense in my head but now that i type it here it seems kind of dumb...
so time to get myself going and get things done... ill try to post more later if not then tomorrow...
so far today ive managed to have 48oz of ice cold water... ive been triggered as hell and been able to resist... i went to walmart, target then the commisary, home, the hospital for med refills for my son, then home with hubby for 1.5hrs. next i went to shoe carnival and exchanged my boots that were defective, target to use their bathroom (thought i would explode otherwise!), the bank (i had to hand them some items including emails and a fraudulant check i received via fed ex on sat), then back to the hospital to see my cm again about my appt and my labs... i needed to know if i was going to need to redo them since it will be 3weeks before my appt... then i came home... i forwarded all the remaining emails to the bank manager, put water on to boil for the dinner tonight and sat down to update this days progress... in all today has been very busy and ive not given in to mia! im having a hard time as i am still home alone and it is ever so triggering when im feeling as i do right now... very dark and down, but i have to keep fighting or this will never get under control and out of my life.
i have ANAD tonight and the lady who is the leader/moderator texted me asking if i can bring some resourceful info tonight... i said yes. so i need to print out the webinar and then im bringing my ed resource book and my 2 ed workbooks that are self-help... she said that would be perfect... i think now after ive finished making the dinner i might try for a short nap before i have to head out tonight... im exhausted and besides usually makes the time go by faster when i sleep!
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