why do i let the triggers get to me?!

MOOD: discouraged, frustrated , losing hope
28 Oct, 2011 (friday)

so i had session today and as per the norm im a blabber mouth... i swear i always tell on myself even when i dont want too! i guess that could be the side of me that truly wants recovery-good kick some AN/BN ass!

anyway so at session we discuss this past weeks documentation of my moods... we break tings down and a new goal for Nov is made... i have to work on the thoughts i have and controlling them... secondly we made a goal of something else which right now i cant recall...

so as i was about to leave when i finally decided to ask if my cm had called yet and she said no... i decided to inform her of those weird feelings id been having... i was sort of freaking out to say anything but i figure its better to come from me than someone else... i dont want to look like im hiding stuff... she asked if i was having them today - which at that time no i wasnt and i felt fine... she said if it  keeps up i should be seen... idk about that one!  but i said ok and left for home... as im driving that nagging voice begins... u want to binge u need to purge...gorge to overfull and then puke it all into oblivion...forget it all... pretend everything is the same... dont feel anything... numb yourself... feel better not open and raw... i tried so hard to ignore it...

as im pulling up to the exit for C.H. i remember i still need the halloween candy since my oldest wants to stay home and hand out instead of going t/t which is cool... well i get to the store and i get what i need but then as im paying - i find i have a few items i hadnt planned on buying and didnt really remember grabbing... must need em right? ya well... not really they ended up a binge for me... dumb food... i wish i wouldnt have bought that shit...

so i load the stuff and open a bag to eat starting the binge... i calculate the calories in each piece and i decide yep too much already gotta purge when i get home... so thats what i did..
then i got a call from the ortho surgery clinic about my son and have to take a copy of the paper referra. for his appt on monday... problem - i dont have a copy - shit! so i email my cm and she prints it out and says i just need to come get it before she leaves at 230 - cool! she is awesome! so i tell my son to get dressed he is going with me so i can get him a walk in with the dr to check his eyes...

we get to the hospital and go see my cm... i kind of filled her in on todays session and my fears and then she gives me the papers and we head to peds... shit! i forgot his id card grrrr! oh well its expired anyway - triple shit! so i go in and they make him and appt... one of the desk ladies says i can go to records across the hall and get a promisary note to have him seen today and get his meds if needed... cool... so i go get it...

LOVELY-  he has pink eye... hate that shit! so we go sit and sit and sit some more waiting to get the eye drops... we had his appt at 220 and we were seen at 210... and we got his meds at 403... ugh! ok so we head to the id office... need to get it cuz he has to have for mondays appt or cant be seen... we walk in at 408pm and the lady says r u the sponsor - the active military member? i said no im spouse... well u cant get his id card without a power of attorney or your sponsor here.... shit! so i sign in anyway and call the hubby... he flies out of a meeting at work and arrives in under 5minutes... signs the papers and get the id and he heads back to work we head to the gas station... waited forever but finally got the gas... went to his friends to see if he was also promoted in JROTC and finally came home... so by now it is...

522pm... MOOD: shitty
i feel like crap, my side hurts, and im trying to find an excuse to get me out of the dinner... i didnt have to cook i called my oldest sonto  start pizzas while we were gone rather than making tacos when i got back, as i had planned - i just did and do not want to cook... i want nothing with food right now and i really do not want to purge again... these dam weird episode feelings they scare me and i dont want to have any more... not only that but purging is beginning to really wear me down... i need some energy...

if i can just stop eating for a few days then slowly work into eating a little maybe i could find something safe...idk but as far as eating safe foods... im able to have green tea mints which 3 has 5cals and i only allow them 1x a day... thats not much but shit - its something!

so as far as bp for today - so far 1x and i am trying to resist another... im not sure how i really feel otherwise emotionally... i feel like a morbidly obese whale though and im not really sure why... i woke that way and well it just hasnt gone away...