with all seriousness... fml

1040am MOOD: numb

so let me start with saying i ended up journaling in my journal lastnight after i turned the laptop off... i had to empty myself more - i was over full and it was causing chaos and screaming that was so immense i could not even see straight let alone try to sort the thoughts! what ended up happening lastnight i am not proud of - but it happened and it was a relief and now well the consequences will be mine as they fall upon me...

what did happen? i ended up bp again so it was 3x rather than just 2.... add to that the behaviors i had that followed well - it was not a pleasant ending but it was an ending i could contiue to breathe in and make it till the morning... i cut... yep - not proud but let me add - it was such a relief! the stinging kiss of the silver blade upon my skin, the small droplettes of blood immediately seeping to the surface... the instant rush of numb... yep - it was what i needed yesterday and i fought as much and long as i could before i finally just did it... i wanted to get drunk to - but if i had the cutting may have even been worse... or i could potentially be either in the hospital or dead... neither which are good choices right now...

this morning i woke up and i just didnt want to get out of the bed... i just felt like hiding there all day - so i did until 1040 when i finally got dressed and came downstairs... the first thing i did was put the chicken and spinach in the crockpot with a can of chicken broth then came over and started on the laptop... im not tempted today to have anything... not yet anyway... i took my meds right before i came downstairs... im hoping today they will work as i forgot them again yesterday... i think the cutting has me numbed enough i dont feel like i want or need to bp... im sort of just well - doing what i have too... i plan to make one trip out then come back home and go back to my room... i want to work on my latch hook and maybe finally finish it (my oldest and i started it urs ago but we only do a bit then put it aside until we get around to it again)...

i also have a blanket i was crocheting for my youngest son - i started 2 Christmas's ago and almost finished it but put it in a bag and well - still havent had the motivation to work on it... i want to finish it and begin something new... maybe it will really help... i also did a 30 day free trial of netflix... i watched a movie before i went to bed lastnight called case 39 with Renee Zellweger - it was really good... it was even a little ghoulish!

i have many many books i want to work on either finishing or just read... most on the nook many in actual books on the shelf... either way - something to just fill my empty time and not allow the voices to begin their immense screams again - i can not handle it. not today.

so for now i bid adios and will be back later for a mood update an the events that have occurred since this post...

327pm MOOD: numb, unsure

well the day has dragged its lousy ass along and is finally starting to close in upon night - i am so ready to be done with this weekend! i have to honestly say i am looking forward to the ANAD this week and my session with my therapist... i feel so much better when i go and get shit off my shoulders - out of my head or out in the open... i also feel better when i see my therapist because she really pushes me to think... she doesnt just let me scape by on simplistic answers... she has me dig and although sometimes it may piss me off (thats the sick part talking!) and i really start to close up - she keeps her faith in me and that i can beat this dam eating disorder... i dont know how she has such faith in me - i myself have very little with all the failures ive had...
so im still really just very numb... i have a heavy feeling inside of me, one that feels like maybe a sadness or like a good cry is needed - but i dont actually feel anything - not sure that makes sense or not... anyway so i am making a chicken gnocchi for my family for dinner... now when im having those bp days - this is one of my favs! i created my own recipe from trying to figure out what is in the soup at Olive Garden as that is where ive had it and got addicted! now i have most of my family also hooked! i guess i did a decent job of figuring it out and then i make it from scratch - we rarely have leftovers and if there are - they get eaten for a snack or at breakfast and then there is no trace... im glad though - it is very healthy... yes i said healthy! i feed my family very healthy if i am able... i would prefer all organic and vegan but well the fam doesnt want to go vegan and organic i do my best but it is sooooo exspensive! so while i do a fairly shitty job at taking care of me - i like to at least think that i do better for my family...

so what i was saying anyway.... i went to make the soup as i said this am... i got the chicken nearly cooked and i added the gnocchi... after about an hr i added the carrots and onions along with some chopped garlic.... i went for my trip out to get my mag and some more papaya and when i came home i added the alfredo and cream of chicken soup... mixed it really well and it smells great! then i had to pull some spinach off the ladel as it got twisted in when i was mixing - i like freaked out! i flipped the water spicket on so fast and washed with like a handful of soap! i was terrified the food was going to absorb and get me or worse - i would binge... once it was all off and the ladel rinsed i went back to my laptop and continued what i was doing... i was on fb and i was chatting with a new friend i have - she is in S Africa... she does not have an ed but she is trying to lose weight and be healthy about it...so well i was helping her figure out the best way for her to go and i recommended some resource books... i will help anyone be healthy - i just cant condone helping someone get sick or sicker...
right now im feeling physically exhausted... ive had less than 28oz of green tea and thats it... i have not eaten and honestly although the gnocchi smells good - im not tempted and i dont plan to eat... i had massive stomach ache lastnight so im using that as my advantage today to get out of dinner... ill say im still full from lunch and that my stomach is still upset... wrong? perhaps but if it helps me get away from BN then i dont even care - it is so worth it for me!
although i am feeling numb i am still disgusted with my body and the weight i am currently maintaining... i want to lose so much more - at least 15lbs more... i know i cant but if i could - i think maybe i could be happy with my body... or at least could live in it without wanting to cut it to smitereens or slice all the skin off and climb out with my skeleton and some muscle... would look nasty but it would be better than i have now... just sayin...

i found a lot of movies on netflix that i have added to my instant que and i plan to start watching here soon... first i have to print these papers out for my sons ortho surgeon apt tomorrow... please keep him in your thoughts and prayers that he wont need surgery... if he does - it will limit his mobility for probably the entire yr which could result in his loss of being in jrotc - it will break his heart bcuz he has worked so hard to be in the program... if he has to give it up - it will kill me to see his heart break like that and i dont think either he or i can handle that right now...

so in my mail the other day i get 2 envelopes from Remuda Ranch... i thought they were the certificates for the webinar trainings i did... well my youngest son comes to my room carrying the mail and asks "mommy do you have an eating disorder?" i didnt speak for a few seconds - it was out of no where and caught me by surprise... then i said "why would you think that?" he says "well i got the mail and there are 2 letters from Remuda Ranch for eating disorders." i thought quickly and said no hunny those are from when i took the online trainings - they sent me information... he was like ok and ran outside... whew! i narrowly escaped that one! there was no way i was telling him not right now - he is too young. maybe when they are adults and thinking of having families i will tell them - its not fair they dont know the risk of it in their family line... but right now - they are kids and they dont need the added stress, worry or fears... its bad enough their father is deploying again in May... they all get very stressed out now when he goes away and seeing as they are all tweens or teens - this time will be a huge challenge for the 3 of them and me...
i was 14 by 1/2 a month when i moved out of my moms house and into a shelter care - temp foster home which was like a half way house until a foster family could be found... there were 8 girls and 8 boys there all the time. it was while i was here that i got even more deep into the eating disorder and knew i was developing a problem but i didnt care... i went days with only having 1/2c oj and 1/2c skim milk... i would workout for hours and weigh whenever i could get to a place with a scale... at the pool i didnt goof with the rest of the group - i did laps and weights... well one of the caregivers caught me weighing a few times and began to watch over me more carefully... suddenly i was put on a meal plan and i had to eat everything on it or they would send me to a hospital... scared to death i had heard about making oneself vomit so i decided to try it... let me say at first it was really hard and it pissed me off so bad to have to do it... it didnt matter - i was caught... then i was not only on this dam meal plan but also i was not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom for 1hr after each meal/snack... i started exercising in the main room - i didnt care they werent stopping me... but they did... and after the hr i would go try to vomit anyway and it worked but it was hard, nasty and not good enough... then soomething happened... one of the new girls was BN... she showed me how to purge without fingers or anything - and i was set!
i would vomit anytime i wouldhave anything - even the milk and juice now because i didnt want those cals either if they were making me eat... then something scarey - i was vomitting blood! omg i was 14 and scared to death - so i told a staff member... they called me into the office and put me on 3 hr restriction and said i had to eat everything and if they didnt think it was enough i could not exercise... shit! i felt trapped and it didnt quell my fear of the blood when i vomited! it didnt matter - i would sneak and purge anyway... had to get it all out... i got caught again and they put me on 24hr watch - i was not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom without staff supervising... they would stand outside the bathroom door leaving it closed but unlatched while i used the bathroom and while i bathed... i was so pissed! i finally had had enough - i pulled myself under the water and held my breath - i wanted to die...was hoping to suffocate or inhale water and drown... the staff thought i was taking too long and peeked in and found me - passed out in the tub... so that didnt go as planned either!

when i was finally in foster care - the foster mom said she knew of my problem and i needed help... i denied the problem and went a bold step further to say if u dont believe me - put me in the hospital and ill prove it! wow - MISTAKE! the next day i was checked in and stayed 2 weeks for observation and to determine how bad this ed was... they sent a letter to my father and he said i didnt need the treatment... he was getting custody of me and i was just 'going through a phase' and once i moved in with him i would be 100% better - thanx dad...

so living with him was hell as it had been with my mother and her drnken abusive husband... his wife was horribly abusive to my step brothers, my father and she did drugs and i would hide in my room when i was there or be at work - i wanted nothing to do with them so i didnt... my grades were always very high and although miserable i still held fast to my goal of becoming a therapist like the one i had been seeing who had helped me get into the foster care... i honestly wanted to be just like her - i wanted to help children...

in school i took a dance class - i absolutely LOVED it! it was the reason for my mere existence at the time... i would go before school, during lunch, and after if there was a way for me to get home... if not then i would go to work... i also signed up and took extra classes for tap at the rec center... it made me feel like there was nothing else in the world and i could let myself be free with the music... i worried what others thought of me and often asked for honest answers regarding my moves etc... i hid under bulky sweaters and loose sweats so i could feel comfortable moving... when i danced - i was in heaven... then shit hit the fan... my teacher caught me purging my breakfast one morning before school - an apple... she said she wouldnt tell my father if i agreed to counseling with the school counselor and the group that met at lunch weekly so i agreed... well that was a lie... when i got home then my father came home he came to my room to 'talk' shit! yep the school had called, yes he knew her cooking was not so great but if i didnt like it - just dont eat... what! yes! he gave me full on permission to just not eat... i managed to reduce myself to 112lbs and i could never get smaller - i was dancing too much and it was all muscle... i hated the way i looked and i just wanted to be tiny and thin - i would never be though would i?

so there you go thats a short version of some of my history with my ed... i can honestly say that although i was aware of restricting or not eating from age 5, it was not until i was 14 that i was fully able to take the hand that was offered and hold on tight... now - well im wishing i wouldnt have held so strongly...

well it is now 4pm... i told hubby dinner is ready whenever they all wanted to eat... i also said my stomach is hurting and i had a bagel for lunch so im not having dinner... feel like shit for lieing - but right now i have to... ive got to break the binds between me and BN... time for my movie and maybe a nap? ttfn

745pm MOOD: fml

ok so the idea of a zero went out the window when my husband served me a bowl to eat at 630... grrr.... so ya then i ate some animal crackers and purged.... so pissed! why can i not just say no and it be fine! well fuck big deal then... tomorrow he has a hectic schedule and im not eating ill be busy all day... so i guess the only plus? it was only 1x and it was fairly small...