a scarey day for me today...

730pm Oct 26, 2011
MOOD: disoriented, headache, tired but awake.

so well where to start? umm i guess with this morning... i woke early to get the boys off to school and then i went back to the bed... i was so groggy and sleepy there was no way i was functioning without some rest... my husband came in at 730 and i got up to make him some toast for breakfast - mistake... i should have taken my am meds - but i didnt i was rushing to get him breakfast so he could relax a bit before going back... well i was FREEZING so i made some oatmeal which i sat and ate slowly on the couch next to him... when he left i also made some eggs and then i purged and went back to bed... i felt really off... i was cooking the eggs and had to hold th counter to keep from falling out... everything was suddenly black around me and then my body got this heat wave went through my entire body.  i put my head down because i was not able to breath either and after a few seconds everything was fine... it happened a few times like when i was walking to the table and then on the stairs... it scared me so i just layed down - i fell back to sleep... maybe i was just tired?

i got up at 1200 when i heard hubby come through the front door... i came downstairs and made him some lunch and that was another mistake... i decided i wanted some salad so i made a salad and sat on the couch to eat next to him... i purged when he left and was watching HOUSE i love that show... i got up to go do the laundry and while i was in the washroom that feeling happened again and it scared me... it actually led me to another bp... after i purged - my boys were home so i went up and showered - i was freezing again... my body was purple - my toenails, fingers, legs and knees and hands and even my arms... i had to get warm.... when i go out i lay in the bed and watched NCIS...  i was getting bored (reruns grrrr) so i texted 2 people from the group on tuesday and i asked one (she is a nurse) about what was going on today and see what she thought it could be... she is also in recovery so she knows a lot about it all... i texted another girl and we chatte until about 7pm... that was nice... i need people near me that i can talk to who really get what is going on and dont judge or get angry for it... other than the people from the group - i dont know anyone anymore... ot since the seizure and not working anymore - nobody talks to me now and i just stay home...

lt me go back a second... well while i was in the shower i was really frustrated with myself... here is why. i had to put a folded hand towel in there to sit on and folded washcloths behind my shoulders because it hurt to sit in the bathtub... i mean really hurt... my back is sore from resting against the wall last night before the group... my husband said i am nothing but ribs, hip bones and skin... then i get upset because i cant see what he is telling me... other people who see me think i look great and others say i look skeletal... i have no idea what to think and im conflicted... i lost another lb - yep putting me 2lbs from my lowest.... i feel like im over reacting because i am not taking the mass amounts of lax like i was before - there fore i am at no risk and no worries... yet i have issues lie today where i cant breath and i go black and it scares me... i have nights where i get horrible chest pains and i dont know what it is... i roll to my right side and try to relax and just go to sleep... when i get these pains my head feels massive pressure like my head is being squeezed off my head...  all these things im noticing are beginning to frighten me... then there is the weight... i weigh myself and there are 2 sides of me... one is jumping for joy at the site of losing yet another lb... then there is the side which is frightened... i have never lost weight so easily as i have in the past 2 weeks or so... i dont understand even how it is falling as i have even reduced my workouts to make so that im not trying to lose - i do need some physical workout though or ill go nuts!

so sorry bout that ill finish this update now... my hubby was hanging on me and yikes - he cant read this!

so i was talking about how easily i have been losing weight and im not even sure how i am doing it... additionally i am annoyed with the fact i am noticing the discomforts of having lost so much weight... another being the dam seat belt rubbing my hipbones while im in the van - it really gets irritating... then there are the jeans... this is a really hard one because it triggers me very badly in both negative and a positive way - let me explain... so i have all these smaller cloths to wear now right? well my mind has always been that when the cloths fit - i need to lose more, yet i know i cant lose more... there is also the fact of the size - the size that i am wearing - well they dont fit anymore - they are lose and in most cases hang off of me... this triggers me to be more proactive and frustrated because i dont have the money to keep buying new ones and then there is the whole side of me that now i can achieve yet a smaller size... im getting smaller.... this is so confusing you know?

then there comes the part of my thoughts... im thinking im getting smaller - yes! but why? why keep getting smaller? i came to somewhat of an idea about why... the thing is i know - i HATE myself... i have so much self hatred and i just keep it all to myself and take it out on myself... well the smaller i get - the less of me there is this means additionally there is less of me to hate... i guess it makes sense... i have less of me to see - less of me to judge and less for the voices to cream at me about... yep it does make sense to me...

so well i guess it is time to go - ill post more in the update for Thursday.