keep rolling along...

701pm...
mood: grrr... FAT, anxious, disgusting, nauseated, exhausted, failed - do i need to say more?

so ya - like the title says rolling on - i feel like im rolling or at the very least waddling... i feel disgusting and huge... i have failed at fasting and at trying to bp less than 3x - but i only did do 3x... my day was long... i took my son to the dr and i was doing good until... they had given me a paper said the appt was today but in the computer it was not until the 12th... the dr said she would give refills on the advair and fill out the asthma care plan since she saw him not too long ago - just come back at 1 for them... great... ok so i took him to the px where as we were climbing out of the van someone tells us it is closed - they have no power.... grrr... so now to make a change for his lunch - i was getting him subway in the px... he wanted chinese and i knew what that meant - oh well... took him to chinese, purged at the resteraunt and finished a few min later after we walked into books a million... i bought him a book and a cute journal for the lady at the hospital - she is so nice... she has been there since before we were assigned here the first time... she loves giraffes and her whole face lit up when she got the journal from my son... she has i think cerebral palsey and is in a wheel chair full time... she collects giraffes...

ok so we get the papers and now have to sit in the pharmacy for his meds... i was going to take him to the last hr of school but we would see after we waited... nope... was 215 when we left so no school for him and we went to the px real quick... while there i bought a bunch of 'junk food' knowing full on in the back of my mind what was going to happen as soon as i got home and it did... i bp on the circus peanuts and then some pasta and purged... my weight is only up.08 of a lb so i guess thats not bad probably from the water i drank... i did make my 64oz goal though... i guess thats good...
so now i am finishing this update, i already took night meds and im ready to sleep... my husband goes back to work at 1045 tonight and wont be home until after 1pm tomorrow afternoon... so i have no idea what im going to do with my time but i hope it involves activity, sleeping and no bp...

one thing i forgot to mention in here is that i did also update all my notebooks for my dr and therapist i also wrote my next months goals, my 3 personal goals and updated my past goals progresses...

then i had this sudden nagging and screaming question in my head - what is small enough? so far all the sizes and clothes have not been small enough... i look at people and i think wow i want to be that size and then i wonder - am i even near that or what do i need to do to get there? my goal is not really to lose more weight - if it happens im happy with that... but right now the goal is just to maintain... although i must be honest and say that when i gained due to my monthly cycle i freaked out and yes i did try and successfully lose it down again... but ive not gone under... so i think that is ok....

anyway... so for tonight... audios