what a day... (**weights - possible trigger**)

713pm 24 Oct 2011
MOOD: sore, tired - no exhausted, a little relieved.

so i tried to make a post yesterday from my phone but the dang thing would not type in the post section... i ended up just writting instead...

so yesterday was pretty ok in the aspects of i only bp 1x.... i was so anxious and nervous about the appt today with my dr and the new womens group tonight that it was causing me physical pain and eventually it lead to a severe migraine... was not good... went to bed at 9pm and i was awake every few minutes looking at the clock - it felt like the night was never going to end... no i was not excited - i was ready to get today OVER WITH!

i got up this am and i weighed and to my surprise i was down a bit more... i was a little scared after that so i drank a lot of water when i took my meds... at least it would not be so near that lower weight at the dr that way... i went to the hospital and got my meds filled then waited to see my dr... i got the weight check - finally over that, and it worked... the water had increased my weight by a lb... because i knew and was prepared for the scale to be a little higher so it didnt trigger me so much... with this weight of 103.2 ( which is what it was when i woke up - i weighed at the dr 104) i am just about my lowest weight ever which was 100 back in 2004... and i was REALLY scared of what she was going to do... i kept having thoughts of her walking through the door with a straight jacket and tubes to force me gain... im glad that didnt happen!

i left and headed to walmart which is where the day took a dive... at walmart i bought a lot of junk which i really did not need and i was aware of what i was doing... i was planning a binge on the drive home... i had sort of given myself permission to only have one today... well that was a mistake. i know better than to 'give myself permission' so im not sure really what was the reason i did but it doesnt matter because it just got worse... i got home and purged then i waited for my hubby to come for lunch... he was really late so i thought he wasnt coming and i changed into a lsightly warmer outfit and as i was  tieing my shoes he walked in the house... i sat with him while he ate his lunch and then he had 15min before he had to return to work...

when he left i waited a few minutes then went to the hospital again... the intentions were buy a water bottle then take the stairs to see my CM (case manager) and get a copy of the lab results if they were in... so when i got there i got the water and headed up to the 2nd floor to see her but the office door was locked. i know her office is inside the back of another office. the office they are in closes for a lunch but her office does not... i tried to call her but it said the number was no longer in service... ok so i went downstairs and headed to the records office - i could try to get the lab results a copy from them... when i rounded the corner there was a line of new recruits in for processing - about 25-30 people, nope not waiting in that line! so i decided to go upstairs one last time, there happened to be someone there and when she got off the phone she opened the door for me...

i talked to her for a while and i was so exhausted i felt like i was going to fall alseep right there... im not sure why i felt so much more tired today but i think it was all the anxiety and stress from the weekend waiting for today came rushing down when the apt was over and my body was ready for a rest... i stayed there for about an hour... we talked about the apt and the issue with my dr and her recommendations for ip... she wont remove that recommendation so long as i am still purging and needing the supplements... she didnt really seem concerned over my weight and i was surprised but happy about that!

when i finally left i headed home and i did it again - i binged on potatoes and 2 biscuits... i was so full i thought i was going to literally explode so i purged and felt so much better... but again and still so exhausted... i sat at the computer clearning emails and waited for the dr to call me back and discuss the results and when my next apt needs to be. i looked as some coupons and a few sites for surveys when she finally called. after we chatted i pulled the chicken out of the oven for the fam for dinner. i then got a message on my vm and it was for the meeting tonight - they lost all power so the meeting has been cancelled and rescheduled for next week... ugh...

for some reason this triggered me even more, i think because i was already so anxious about going and not wanting to that once it was cancelled i just needed a release and that was my autopilot reaction... my son got the mail for me and when i went up to purge and weigh, i lay back down in the bed and after a bit i fell asleep... i woke at about 630 when my husband came in the house and asked if anyone was home... i tried to sit up and pain through my left arm... i had forgotten i got that flu shot today and it has made me very sore... my husband called me a baby - i dont care it freakin hurts... i tried to get the one you snort but she said because of my low weight my body is more prone to getting the virus from that than the shot... grrrr... HATE needles! ok so i got it anyway... now my arm feels like a dead weight and it hurts to move it...

ive bp 3x today and it was really making me frustrated that i just cold seem to not find any control - then i remembered i took my meds late - like 11am which for some reason they seem to have not worked as well or i was just too triggered, anxious and nervous that they just werent enough... then i think - what if i hadnt taken them at all? yikes - would have been even worse!

so overall, even though i did bp more than i had intended - they were not super big ones and i was sort of able to gain control.... now tomorrow is going to be another challenge and i just hope i make it through... having nothing to do all day - well that leads to massive boredom = bp... so i need to force myself to be busy doing something - i just am not sure what...

well guess im off for now as im really tired and now it is 745pm... i need to get the boys to bed and then get myself to bed but need to make sure i take night meds first!